Going back to abusive other half?

[Changednameforanonymity]

What would you need to see/hear from an emotionally abusive other half in order to agree to get back together? Especially when there are children involved. Is it reasonable/possible to manage with a low level of emotional abuse? Thanks

No
Why would you consider it?
It's a horrible lesson to teach children that 'low level abuse' is tolerable

I would never, I know I am worth more than that.

I would think that no level of abuse is acceptable, children or not ..

Absolutely nothing would persuade me to go back to someone who had abused me. Ever.

Obviously no abuse is the only level PP!

I would never go back. If they've been abusive for years, it won't be a quick fix. They will be able to tell you what you want t to hear, and then revert. And then you'll be stuck, but harder to get away a second time. Please don't go back. Especially "for the children"

Why should you have to manage abuse? Of any level. Why would you raise kids allowing them to see that and think that's the sort of relationship they deserve and should aspire to?

Low level abuse? Just an occasional slap and a bit of controlling?

Jeez, no, never

No: to answer all your questions.

To turn your question around, what exactly do you think you'd have to say to:

1. make him realise he's EA
2. change him
3. decide the point at which you felt you could live with his EA

Just supposing that 1 - 3 were possible, which they're not, will you ask your children what level of EA is acceptable for them?

Even if you don't think you're worth more (and you are) your children do not deserve to be put in this situation.

No way ! stay away ! Especially because there are kids

You've done the hard part by leaving.
Why ruin all that by going back?
All it will do is teach your children that abuse is ok

don't go back lovely. if you go back he will know that he can be abusive and get away with it. it might get worse. in fact it will get worse. thre might be the honeymoon period when he is all lovely for a bit to hook you back in again... then you are stuck with worse abuse.

stay left.

But I can always leave again... Feels worth trying. Other half acknowledges problems/seems to acknowledge abuse.

Abuse has been quite standard emotional abuse, controlling and undermining behaviour etc.

On the basis I do go back, can anyone advise on original question- what do you think is important that I hear from him 1st?

Apologies for vagueness but don't want to out myself by accident.

Thanks so much for responses.

I wouldn't even consider this. What is it that you find attractive about him.

My mother went back to my very emotionally, physically and sexually abusive father several times throughout my childhood. As an adult our relationship is fragmented and damaged purely as a result of this.

Sounds like you don't need to hear anything- you're longing for more... any normal person would never ever be in touch with him again.

nobody here is going to validate your decision to go back - the only acceptable level of abuse is none. Why do you think you need to manage his behaviour? Poor kids being subject to his abuse. If not for you then please don't go back as you need to protect them from him.

I'd want to hear this.

Yes, you're right. I have psychological and emotional problems. So I'm going to seek professional help, for as long as it takes. In the meantime, I'm not going to risk screwing up your life and the lives of our children. So, I'm going to avoid relationships, ours and any other. I don't expect you to help me, I've put you through too much. But let's try and be good parents to our children.

Then walk away.

I don't think it's fair to speak of what normal people would do. Plenty of normal people end up in relationships like these and give the relationship a 2nd chance. It feels like a lot to throw away a relationship with good points as well as bad without seeing if things can be better.

Thanks nicenewdusters, that's quite helpful

What nicenewdusters said.

Everytime you leave and then go back and then leave and then go back is more confusion and upset for your children. They will never know true security. They will never know if living Daddy and Mummy being unhappy is how its going to be, or living away from Daddy and Mummy being happy is how its going to be.

As Nicenew said, I would want to hear that he not only acknowledged the problems but dealt with them, without you being involved or needing to be involved.

Anything that comes with the caveat of "if you come back then....." aint worth shit.

It is not reasonable to put up with a lower level of emotional abuse.
Not just for your own sake but for your children's sakes too.

Ask yourself - if this was your daughter, what would you tell her? Would you suggest she put up with it? Or walk away and learn to co-parent without being in the same house?

What would I need to hear - well, most abusers are well-versed in apologies and platitudes, anything to charm their way back in, so frankly, I wouldn't believe a single word of apology or promise to change out of his mouth (assuming a him).

Actions are what matters - so I would expect to SEE and experience a difference, and if that wasn't forthcoming, then I'd pull the plug.
I would probably actively test the situation - behave in a way that would previously have caused EA/controlling behaviour - to see if there was a change in reaction.
I would expect the abuser to have undergone therapy and/or anger management, and to continue to go to a therapist.
I would expect them to acknowledge that they were wrong in every way and at every point, without even a hint of "but you were to blame for my reactions". ANY hint of blame coming from them would be an instant red card.
I would also expect that, should I choose to see him for any length of time, that any hint from me that he was reverting to his old ways would result in an instant apology and change of tack from him.

In short, I would make conditions of return absolutely stringent and unbreakable - any slip and it would be over for good.

I do believe that people can change; but it's rare and almost always requires external input. Unwillingness to accept external help = no real willingness to actually change, so --> bye bye, out the door.

But in all honesty - no, I wouldn't go back.

Agree with nice & Bogey
An apology. Genuine.
Does he have MH issues? Alcohol / drug issues? He would need to get help for those.
Getting therapy or counselling. A perpetrators course. Learning healthier ways to relate to people.
Genuine effort to engage with the above, sustained over time. Genuine change. Respecting your boundaries about contact while he does that. YOU decide if and when you are prepared to consider restarting the relationship. If you do, taking things slowly, not expecting to resume where you left off.
I would really take some space, for you to recover. You don't say how long you've been split up. He needs to get his life sorted and be better for him, not just to persuade you to get back together.

changedname,

Such men do not change. Promises to do so are both empty and meaningless. He is trying to get inside your head and you're giving him headspace.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

Read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

If there are children involved the last thing you need to do is to get back together with an emotional abusive partner. They cannot afford to learn such damaging lessons on relationships because they could well repeat those as adults.

changedname,

re your comment:-
"It feels like a lot to throw away a relationship with good points as well as bad without seeing if things can be better"

And that is the sunken costs fallacy right there!. Do not fall into that trap. The sunken costs fallacy basically causes people to make poor relationship decision. If you do go back your children as well as you will suffer yet again. You have a choice re this person, they do not.

The idea of sunk cost states that an investment of money, time or energy must not necessarily influence your continued investment of money, time or energy. The past investment is “sunk” into the endeavour and cannot be recouped. It is gone. Ongoing investment will not resuscitate what is gone when the investment/relationship is a bad one.

People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs. You certainly are now being bogged down.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.” This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

Do enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme, this will help you as well.

Abusive people are not nasty all the time and I am certain he was charm personified to those in the outside world. However, the nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. Those "good times" if they really were so likely became fewer and further between as he ramped up the power and control against you. Also its not just you who was and still is affected by his control.