Going back to abusive other half?

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What would you need to see/hear from an emotionally abusive other half in order to agree to get back together? Especially when there are children involved. Is it reasonable/possible to manage with a low level of emotional abuse? Thanks

IF you really are serious about considering going back to him then you need to see for yourself the changes that he has made to his personality and how he has come about making these changes ie has he been undertaking extensive counselling to see where he is going wrong and how to correct it? Or is he just feeling a bit 'sorry ' at the moment and says he'll change? I would take things really slowly. Does he acknowledge the things that you perceive to be abuse as actual abuse or does he consider his words and actions as totally justified? This is a huge risk and perhaps you need to clearly understand why you want to go back: is it emotional or financial? Please, just take things very slowly and make sure you are ALWAYS in a strong enough position to leave if/when you need to.

In all honesty as well as him seeking help I would be considering counselling too as emotional abuse will have left you with low self esteem and a skewed idea of what a relationship should be like

Hi OP I've been in a similar situation to you. I broke up with him but he acknowledged that he'd done wrong, showed me change, etc (although he never said it was abuse, but at that time I didn't recognise it as abuse either). I allowed him back and it was a matter of weeks before he started reverting back to old ways, although this time he was sneakier and more subtle about it. He tried to make me believe I was crazy and paranoid for thinking he was still being controlling. I broke up with him again 5 weeks ago today and quite honestly you couldn't pay me a million quid to go back. I have a young daughter and I refuse to teach her that any form of abusive behaviour is acceptable.

That being said, if you really feel he wants to change then there are options. Don't fall for the "I've changed" line because these abusive behaviours are extremely ingrained, and whilst some of these behaviours are deliberate, there are some which are just a knee-jerk reaction to situations. In order for a person to rid themselves of unhealthy behaviours, they need to replace then with healthy behaviours, and that takes some extensive therapy and a large amount of determination on his part. If he is serious about trying to change then there are a few perpetrator courses for abusers. If I were you I would insist he finishes a course before you even think about anything further. Then he should start a course of therapy with a therapist who specializes in abusers. They need to be specialised in order to know what to look out for with regards to manipulation. There have been cases where a therapist is taken in by an abuser and ends up reassuring him that he's done nothing wrong and its all the spouses fault, as the situation has been manipulated by the abuser. Bare in mind through all this that the statistics show only a 6% success rate where an abusive person who goes to therapy actually changes. That's only 6% of the small percentage who actually attend. I just want you to know just how few abusers actually change so that you don't get your hopes up.

And in answer to on of your questions: No level of abuse is ok. Either he becomes one of that 6% or he takes a hike would be my advice.

Well actually my advice would be to leave well enough alone. But if you're set on giving him another shot, don't go about it all willy nilly, ask him to get some therapy and put himself on an abusers course before you start considering anything else.

Good luck OP

This man is dysfunctional. You'll find it hard to repair him as will any therapist.

He is this way because he grew up witnessing or being subjected to abuse himself.

All you are doing is ensuring your kids will grow up the same. Exposing them to him will mean they could be abusers or attracted to abusers.

This is why SS get involved with abuse - to try and break they cycle and stop the next generation from being abusive!

Unfortunately most women will learn their lesson the hard way about abusive men, as they want to rescue them or help them to change etc well believe me you can never undo the abuse he suffered or witnessed when younger but you can make sure your DC aren't subjected to him.

I did this. I have one dd who is now incredibly vulnerable, partly because of her disabilities, partly because her father knows how to manipulate her, partly because of the crap relationship model I demonstrated over the years. I am now picking up the pieces for her and trying to teach her that she is worth more than being messed around by folk. I am also suffering from PTSD. Please don't do this.

OP why would you want to go back? What is it you think that will be better about your life or dc's lives with him?

I split up and and then got back together with an abuser. He hadn't changed. It was immediately obvious he hadn't changed but I didn't want to see it. He convinced me it was me who needed to change. I ignored everyone who told me to leave for a long time, but I'm so glad I did eventually leave him for good. When I look back it's hard to believe I accepted the kind of behaviour he demonstrated. Give it time and you will see how much better off you are without him. Don't take a step backwards.

It has to come from him.

So, for example:

"I've started anger management and it's a real eye opener"
Not
"Yeah, all right, I'll go to anger management for you"

He has to want to change himself for himself, to make himself a better human being. Any declarations of change for you means he can and will blame you for anything he dislikes about the change or any "side effects" for want of a better word - eg "I can't deal with DC's bad behaviour because you won't let me ".

Your way forward isn't to look for ways back to him. Your way forward is to appreciate more that his behaviour was never ever acceptable, that you deserve so much more and that your life without him IS better, however much being alone might be scary.

Even if he is able to say that he was wrong in the past, that it wasn't your fault, and even if he is able to say that he is currently involved in receiving help for his behaviour (and its unlikely he will be able to say all of these things) then this isn't a route back to him. IF he could say all these things, you would still need to acknowledge that he ISNT beyond his behaviour of the past and it would still harm you and the children. Don't think 'I can leave again' - you know how traumatic that is, but give yourself a pat on the back for having done the hard bit and left. Don't go back to the way of thinking that he has changed enough to make it work - I'm sure you went through all that when with him. You made the right choice to leave and it is still the right choice, however hard it is.

That's a really helpful point and example MrsHathaway. This is not easy to navigate.

I'm glad you found it helpful.

I think everyone here wants the same thing for you - to be happy and safe. And I don't think any of us believes you can be happy and safe with someone you know to be abusive.

But I recognise that it's much more complicated than just leave/stay away. It's easy for outsiders to see that when he says "I'll do anything" he means "if I say I'll do anything then she'll come to her senses and come back like a good girl, but actually I don't need to change and she'll come round to my way of thinking before too long" but when it's a loved voice coming out of a loved face it's much harder to translate.

So you can treat this thread as a translation guide and see all the examples pps have given you of Bullshit Abusers Come Out With so you can distinguish any genuine remorse from the bullshit.

You sound like my friend who is going through this at the moment with her EA (hopefully soon to be ex) husband and he confuses her every time there's contact, which is inevitable because of their DC. She frequently needs a sanity check too.

Very best wishes.