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Relationships

Toxic relationship but feel like I can't leave

65 replies

Tiggerthecat123 · 24/10/2016 13:16

I feel like I don't know where to start with this

I left my husband for another man just over a year ago. We moved in straight away.

My new partner is very good looking, charming, successful, has a good job and lots of friends.

He was all these things for me however when we moved in, he became very controlling. I was very in love so I tried to do everything he wanted and would make him feel better.
When everything is great we have a very loving relationship - he makes me feel like no other man has ever made me feel- very loved. It's very passionate and I love him like crazy.

Here's the bad bit
His behaviour over the past year has made me into a person I don't recognise and he withdraws his affection when he is upset that I just can't seem to deal with
I also feel insecure, jealous, I don't go out (I feel like I avoid doing things that could arouse suspicion (e.g. Even going to a coffee shop or generally doing something out of the ordinary for me)
I feel like he is emotionally abusive but I can't seem to summon the strength to leave

He systematically finds fault in all my friends to the point where they don't text any more, I don't go out and unless it's play dates with kids, I don't see anyone
He made me block all male friends from social media and texting, and I've ended friendships with all men I knew because he told me to
I've not met my ex husband for 9 months (handovers of children are done via 3rd person or him- my ex is not pleased about this) or so and all communication is done via email
He accuses me of looking at men in the street or restaurants or pubs - this feels soul destroying so at times I put my head down when we're out, just to avoid arguments
He asks me to not accept help carrying the buggy (we have stairs at our train station and I was doing this 4 times a day at one stage)
He doesn't let me have workmen in the house when he is not there
There are constant accusations about other men - even last night I suggested I wanted to start a hobby and go swimming today and this caused an argument because it was a hobby where I was 'basically in my underwear' so I feel like a bit of a prisoner at times
The list can go on but for some reason I feel like I don't have the strength to leave
I just don't.

I had a good job a year ago which I gave up (basically he offered to let me be a STHM which I've always wanted) but I now find myself in a situation where I don't have a job, I'll be on my own with 2 kids
The thing that is stopping me leave apart from having no confidence and a place with no family (the weight thing really contributes) is that I will be absolutely heartbroken if I left. I know it is bad but the loneliness will kill me, also I have huge guilt that my kids are so bonded with him. They adore him and see NONE of this mad behaviour. They love him to bits and I feel like an awful mother disrupting their lives again in this way if I were to leave.

I haven't even mentioned that despite insisting that I have no friendships or conversations with school dads (I blank them) in playgrounds etc etc, my phone is an open book, he is entirely the opposite. He forms inappropriate relationships with lots of women. Basically I think these start out as normal friendships but the women end up falling for him, he does a lot of entertaining for work and inevitably they will make a pass at him or they text a lot, or a drunken evening, he has anxiety so he ends up confessing. 6 weeks ago he ended up staying at another woman's house and I know nothing happened- he was drunk and slept on the sofa, but the incident upset me beyond belief as he lied about going out with her in the first place then it was my call at 6am that woke him up on her sofa. She is very good looking this woman. Then one last thing, I discovered on his phone 3 weeks ago that he had had an emotional affair with another (married) woman. About 3 months of texts - lots of texts a day. Meeting up, drinking and not telling me. I believe they didn't have sex but I spent hours reading them in the middle of the night and it makes me feel sick. I can't forget it. Pictures of her in swimwear, him telling her I didn't listen to him and she was beautiful etc 'I need to see you' etc.

I confronted him and told him I was leaving but he begged me to stay, he cut all contract with her, said it meant nothing and I believed him
NOW the situation feels further toxic because he's now convinced that IM going to cheat on him to 'revenge him' and he's accusing me of that.
I'd never do anything to him in his life. He doesn't know what he's got.
I feel like any sign of a problem he will always run into the arms of another woman.

I think I am craving affection and I feel like there is something wrong with me like I can't cope without him and on my own.

Sorry for the long post, and sorry if it sounds garbled.
It's a very difficult situation to explain. I've never posted before.

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KatharinaRosalie · 24/10/2016 15:59

He is such a classic abuser. Textbook. You really need to leave before it gets even worse.

One thing stood out for me he has anxiety so he ends up confessing.. Ha, oh no he does not confess because of his anxiety. He 'confesses' or rather brags so he can make you feel even shittier and rub it in that he could get it elsewhere.

But read this: he really follows the script. counsellingresource.com/therapy/self-help/loser/

Quich attachment and amazing lovestory? Cutting off support? Breakup panic? Will engcourage to drop your outside hobbies and relationships? Paranoid control? It's all there.