Toxic relationship but feel like I can't leave

[Tiggerthecat123]

I feel like I don't know where to start with this

I left my husband for another man just over a year ago. We moved in straight away.

My new partner is very good looking, charming, successful, has a good job and lots of friends.

He was all these things for me however when we moved in, he became very controlling. I was very in love so I tried to do everything he wanted and would make him feel better.
When everything is great we have a very loving relationship - he makes me feel like no other man has ever made me feel- very loved. It's very passionate and I love him like crazy.

Here's the bad bit
His behaviour over the past year has made me into a person I don't recognise and he withdraws his affection when he is upset that I just can't seem to deal with
I also feel insecure, jealous, I don't go out (I feel like I avoid doing things that could arouse suspicion (e.g. Even going to a coffee shop or generally doing something out of the ordinary for me)
I feel like he is emotionally abusive but I can't seem to summon the strength to leave

He systematically finds fault in all my friends to the point where they don't text any more, I don't go out and unless it's play dates with kids, I don't see anyone
He made me block all male friends from social media and texting, and I've ended friendships with all men I knew because he told me to
I've not met my ex husband for 9 months (handovers of children are done via 3rd person or him- my ex is not pleased about this) or so and all communication is done via email
He accuses me of looking at men in the street or restaurants or pubs - this feels soul destroying so at times I put my head down when we're out, just to avoid arguments
He asks me to not accept help carrying the buggy (we have stairs at our train station and I was doing this 4 times a day at one stage)
He doesn't let me have workmen in the house when he is not there
There are constant accusations about other men - even last night I suggested I wanted to start a hobby and go swimming today and this caused an argument because it was a hobby where I was 'basically in my underwear' so I feel like a bit of a prisoner at times
The list can go on but for some reason I feel like I don't have the strength to leave
I just don't.

I had a good job a year ago which I gave up (basically he offered to let me be a STHM which I've always wanted) but I now find myself in a situation where I don't have a job, I'll be on my own with 2 kids
The thing that is stopping me leave apart from having no confidence and a place with no family (the weight thing really contributes) is that I will be absolutely heartbroken if I left. I know it is bad but the loneliness will kill me, also I have huge guilt that my kids are so bonded with him. They adore him and see NONE of this mad behaviour. They love him to bits and I feel like an awful mother disrupting their lives again in this way if I were to leave.

I haven't even mentioned that despite insisting that I have no friendships or conversations with school dads (I blank them) in playgrounds etc etc, my phone is an open book, he is entirely the opposite. He forms inappropriate relationships with lots of women. Basically I think these start out as normal friendships but the women end up falling for him, he does a lot of entertaining for work and inevitably they will make a pass at him or they text a lot, or a drunken evening, he has anxiety so he ends up confessing. 6 weeks ago he ended up staying at another woman's house and I know nothing happened- he was drunk and slept on the sofa, but the incident upset me beyond belief as he lied about going out with her in the first place then it was my call at 6am that woke him up on her sofa. She is very good looking this woman. Then one last thing, I discovered on his phone 3 weeks ago that he had had an emotional affair with another (married) woman. About 3 months of texts - lots of texts a day. Meeting up, drinking and not telling me. I believe they didn't have sex but I spent hours reading them in the middle of the night and it makes me feel sick. I can't forget it. Pictures of her in swimwear, him telling her I didn't listen to him and she was beautiful etc 'I need to see you' etc.

I confronted him and told him I was leaving but he begged me to stay, he cut all contract with her, said it meant nothing and I believed him
NOW the situation feels further toxic because he's now convinced that IM going to cheat on him to 'revenge him' and he's accusing me of that.
I'd never do anything to him in his life. He doesn't know what he's got.
I feel like any sign of a problem he will always run into the arms of another woman.

I think I am craving affection and I feel like there is something wrong with me like I can't cope without him and on my own.

Sorry for the long post, and sorry if it sounds garbled.
It's a very difficult situation to explain. I've never posted before.

[Thinkingofausername1]

@op just seen your update so pleased you could leave x

[Thinkingofausername1]

Oh op. He sounds awful. That's why I think looks aren't always everything. I hope you have people in rl to support you, it sounds like it will be difficult for you to leave if he is one to turn on the charm. I bet he is charming when you are with other people too.

[Tiggerthecat123]

Thank you 💐

[twilightsaga]

Brilliant update. So happy for you and your children. Keep on growing and being strong x

[yetmorecrap]

I’ve been there IP, except I met him after I had left husband. Took me 3 years to get out and part of it was embarrassment as I had moved in with him 3 months after leaving husband.

[SandyY2K]

@Tiggerthecat123
Excellent update. So pleased you left this horrible abuser.

I hope your kids are well and you have a good coparent relationship with your Ex H.

[neverbetrickedagain]

That's great news OP! I'm really glad you shared good news with us! I wish you and your children bright and happy future! Xx

[Tiggerthecat123]

I don't know if anyone remembers this post. I'm the OP and I felt like posting today, perhaps because I feel like a tower of strength today.
I left this relationship one month later. My partner made it very hard to leave but I did it with the help of women's aid.
I turned up at my ex husbands door and staggeringly he helped and supported me.
I attended the freedom programme and wept for hours and hours in front of complete strangers. I attended weekly counselling sessions through women's aid for over a year and I got myself back on my feet, quickly physical (I got a job within weeks very luckily) but slowly emotionally.
It's been a massive journey and I still feel a lot of sadness that I went though this, anger that a man could put a woman through something like this and resentment that my life went down this dark and horrible path.

Your replies were a HUGE wake up call to me. Looking back, i was isolated and entrenched in a world of severe emotional and physical control that I lost all perspective on life, what was normal and what was acceptable to put up with. He had reduced my confidence and esteem to a staggering all time low, which I see now is what he does, how he keeps women like this under his control. I've since learned he has done this to other women. It makes me feel sick to my stomach for them.

Part of my coming on here was to say thank you.
I still carry deep scars from my experience but I'm a completely different woman. My counselling not only helped me unpick him and what I had been through, but taught me what a good relationship is, high standards of what I must expect, what qualities I want in another man, and it taught me to be selfish to me, put me at the centre of my universe, because I can't be a good mum if I am not well or stable and good emotionally.

I think part of my reason of coming on today was to say thank you to Mumsnet. I see it receiving a bit of a bashing in the media, but my one and only experience of it was a good one and it gave me the confidence to rid myself of a severely abusive and terrifying relationship.
Thank you x

[Atenco]

I am so glad Tiger. We may be strangers, but a lot of us have been with men who aspired to have that type of control over us, though I must admit yours in one of the most extreme cases I have heard of.

My ex behaved like that, though as I say, not so extreme, but I was fortunately not so vulnerable at the time and, with the help of mother, got out before he did too much damage.

[EmeraldIsle100]

Well done Tiger, its not easy and I have great admiration for you. You will slowly but surely begin to enjoy your life again and you have handed your DC the best present they could ever get. You are worth so so much more and as another who has walked in your shoes I really wish you and your DC all the best. You are a brave and strong woman.

[TheNaze73]

Well done OP on taking your first steps to exit. And whatever you do, date in the traditional sense next time around. Don't go steaming in with two feet

[nicenewdusters]

So glad to read your update OP. I left and never looked back. I completely rebuilt my life. It gives you enormous strength, and wisdom for the future. I know that leaving will be hard, but staying will be even harder.

[Jinglebellsandv0dka]

Are you tiger? That's good news. How are you getting on?

[Tiggerthecat123]

Thank you all. I've read your replies a number of times over, and I will continue to, and it's rather odd but the online support from a bunch of strangers is both a huge comfort and confidence building. I'm so ensconced in 'his' world that hearing your reactions has been very reassuring but a big eye opener. It's very difficult to explain how brainwashed you can become by someone. Yes I think I was someone quite vulnerable and he targeted and I think he's a very good manipulator. Anyway I'm taking the necessary steps to get out.

[MistressDeeCee]

The DC need to be with their dad this is AWFUL

I mean wtf? You've only been with the man ONE YEAR and you "can't leave?"Why are you subjecting yourself and your DCs to an idiotic narcissistic bully? Do you think about unhappy and confused your DCs will be in time to come? What happens if their dad catches onto their unhappiness? He could rightly go for full custody

This is NOT just about you - do as others have said and contact Womens Aid. He is a man not a God your life can and will go on without him and his ridiculous rules and stipulations

Call Womens Aid and then your GP - this man will turn on the charm if you leave, pull out all the stops to get you same as he did in the 1st place - and then he will devalue you all over again.

You need to get yourself to a place where you can resist him. Otherwise in years to come you will remain in isolation, friends and family including DCs long gone, crying bitter tears over wasted time with a man who wasn't worth it. A man who will likely have left you by then anyway as you are no longer a challenge, to get, or a toy to systematically destruct

[tilleuls]

You should read 'The Empathy Trap' by Jane McGregor, it will help with coming to terms with how this man has manipulated you. This guy sounds like a true narcissist. The best thing you can possibly do is to cut all contact or he will keep reeling you back in. You can do it

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

You've got your head on wrong about his relationship with your children. Here's what you wrote:

I have huge guilt that my kids are so bonded with him. They adore him and see NONE of this mad behaviour. They love him to bits and I feel like an awful mother disrupting their lives again in this way if I were to leave.

Here's my tweaked version:
I have huge guilt that my kids are bonding with a controlling arsehole. They adore him and see NONE of this mad behaviour yet. They love him to bits and I feel like an awful mother for letting them become close to someone who will only hurt them in the end. I will disrupt his grooming by leaving.

[IamalsoSpartacus]

OP, I have also been where you are.

Please take your daughters and leave. Think about the friends you had before he made you lose touch with them. Is there any of them you could reach out to and tell them what is going on? People have become a lot more understanding of EA, with the Archers' storyline bringing it into the light.

It is nearly 10 years ago for me and I am still living in the shadow of that nightmare. Yes, loneliness is hard, but it is better than being systematicaly broken by the person who is supposed to love you.

[hellsbellsmelons]

You can't discuss it with him.
There is no reasoning with an abuser.
He won't suddenly realise and change his ways.
What ever you say will be turned around somehow and there you are again, doubting yourself.
What did Womens Aid say?
I bet it wasn't 'Ohhh have a nice chat with him'!!!
You need to make a silent exit plan.
Do NOT tell him or let on that you are planning to leave.
Get WA to help you with an exit plan and get away.
I honestly can't believe you are still there.
But I've never been in your situation so I honestly can't imagine what it must be like.
Get out and get out fast!
No discussion!

[Atenco]

Gosh he is a pathetic little so-and-so.

Do you really have to announce to him beforehand that you are going? He doesn't deserve any consideration

[Tiggerthecat123]

Nicenewdusters your post made be weep. Thank you

[KatharinaRosalie]

Many of us have been there, OP. Mine was just a short term relationship, but in the matter of weeks he managed to change me from outgoing, confident woman to someone who was walking on eggshells and suddenly didn't seem to get anything right. I understand.

You need to get out.

[winkywinkola]

Is this real???