prenup without the nuptials

[cakestop2016]

I'm guessing a lot of people are going to tell me to run along and get married right away, but that isn't what I want to do.

Basically, partner and I met 8 years ago and bought a house together after 12 months. His parents gave him 40,000 to put down as a deposit, mine gave us nothing as they're poor. We had an agreement drawn up that if we were ever to separate then the first 40,000 would go to him.
We are now about to move house again and have 2 children, we both don't like the idea of marriage for various reasons (yes, I know it makes me vulerbale) I still work although now part-time since having DCS.

We are in the process of drawing up the mortgage for the new house and partner has mentioned that same "agreement" that he keeps the first 40,000. I was surprised since now we have children to consider and surely he would want us both to be able to create a stable home environment each should we separate. So assumed any remaining money would now be split.

Anyway, I just mentioned it to him. He told me he too feels uncomfortable about the "agreement" but that apparently it's his parents who have requested that 'their money' is kept 'safe in the family.'

I'm shocked by this after having 2 children with their son... surely they would want us all to be financially ok should we ever split?

Or is this quite a normal thing to do? We are not likely to split any time soon btw. It just makes me worry a little as to how I would cope financially if we ever did.

What do others think?

Make wills!
Make wills!
MAKE WILLS!

Clear enough?!

My late husband's father had died intestate shortly before I met him. It was a bloody nightmare. Nearly 5 years of stress, and not of much left in his estate as he left, because of high legal fees.

If the two of you can afford it you should also take out life insurance for each other. Parenting bereaved children alongside dealing with the grief of losing one's partner makes earning enough money to look after said children well very, very difficult.

It's natural for people's worst-case-scenario to be a split (where at least there is child maintenance and/or shared care) rather than illness or death, as it is more likely to be the former than the latter that ends a relationship while there are still dependant children. But not exclusively so.

He is at at financial advantage here. His ducks are in a quite tidy row, thank you very much. You are kicking up a fuss because you are at a financial disadvantage. He stonewalls you with a shallow (and unbinding) promise of what someone else will so when/if he should die and refuses to satisfy your insecurities if you should break up the relationship.
Imho, he does not care. He doesn't want to marry you (for more shallow reasons outlined above). He has you exactly where he wants you. He is not about to reduce his financial footing to benefit you. The no will circumstance is a slap in your face. He may even already have one that you don't know about.

Your decision to reduce your income is done at your own peril. Just understand that. You are being used. There have been far too many threads here over the years for this to not be very plain to see.

I suggest that you marry for the financial security, or completely separate your finances so you will have your own pension, equity structure (pun not intended), savings, insurance, etc.

His nice-nice talking a good game to soothe your worries is just so much lip service. Don't believe it until you see it. I wouldn't buy another house with him, certainly not with the 40k rolled into it.

Actually, ^AndTheBand* I think it was OP who called off the wedding earlier this year, not her DP being unwilling to marry. Or have I misremembered?

But you are totally right to say that OP must look at how she can put her finances back onto a sound footing. And I think it would be unwise to reduce earnings, career progression and pension with nothing to mitigate the risk of being left high and dry, whether by death of break up, not to mention what would happen if serious illness struck.

Thanks Auntie. Sorry I forgot that point in my post, cake. If he is willing, then do it. But if you are tied to the "freedom" boundary then you ought to re-calibrate your expectations regarding financial aspects of relationships. Imho, you can't really have it both ways. Some legal strategies try to imitate marriage protection, but it still is not the same. Shoulds and woulds and coulds don't carry much validity.

Some legal strategies try to imitate marriage protection, but it still is not the same
So as I said earlier if you want all the benefits of being married then the best solution is to just get married.

You’ve really fucked yourself over here and been pretty naive. You can’t rely on other people to “take care” of you, and you say you don’t want to, so start looking out for yourself. Go back to work full time, get some savings tucked away. Tell him you are not willing to use the 40k towards the new house, or even that you’re not willing to buy another house with him without wills being drawn up.

Stop bending to whatever he wants, he’s not your lord and master, he’s not even your husband.

From what you have described I am fairly sure that your partner’s reasons for not getting married are very different from yours. He is not willing to get married because he wants to protect his wealth and assets from you. Everything he has done and not done been to this end. Worryingly, if this is the case he is being deceptive about it. As others have said, the gift is his and he can do what he wants with it. There is no need for his parents to be involved or to know. The same with a will, it’s a simple thing to do and essential if you wish to remain unmarried and have such complicated finances and responsibilities.

I have some sympathy with somebody wanting to protect their assets by not marrying. Especially where there are preexisting children. However they should be up front about it and why they are doing it. If the couple decide to have children whilst together then the finances and implications need to discussed openly. You can then jointly agree what provisions need to be made for any detriment to income, wealth and career because of pregnancy and parenting.

I take no pleasure in saying I don’t think you really thought through the real and practical reasons for not getting married. I also don’t think you thought through the implications of having children and a career sacrifice whilst not married. Instead you have hoped that he would share money he has previously protected from you and hoped that he would make a “will” provision he has bluntly said he won’t.

Yes you will avoid a messy divorce but simply because you have no grounds to challenge him on when you separate. Similarly by not “organising” things like married couples, most of which is legally enshrined so no real organisation needed, you have left yourself vulnerable. Cohabitation requires more legal organisation not less. Unfortunately you can’t walk away freely as you now have children with him.

Going forward is there any equity in the home above the £40k? If so why waste it on a move that will incur fees, stamp duty etc. Say you don’t want to move and if he insists, make him pay for it from the £40k.
Write your own will and explain to him that in the event of separation you may state a preference for the children to live with one of your relatives. The reason being he has not made a will and you don’t know that they will be secure with him.

You need a will. If you die and he gets the house if he then remarries or just has a new relationship where the new partner had the same house ownershiyour DC may end up with nothing.

Buying a new place is the perfect time to do this.

Ring fence his £40k and change how the house is owned. Then draw up a will leaving yours to your DC with him having the right to stay in the house.

I think you are rather belatedly realising that you have slept walked into a financially precarious position. Horse and stable door and all that, you need to earn more and he needs to contribute to the increased childcare costs.

He’s being evasive for a reason and you can’t trust even if he did make a will that he wouldn’t change it without telling you.

Gah just realised this thread is from 2016.