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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Want to feel like a person!

36 replies

Fedup82 · 22/10/2016 09:57

Ok so not sure if this is the right place to put this. Ive been with dp for 10 yrs we have children together and life is good except for one thing. My partner sometimes makes me feel like im just a hole. Sorry to sound crude but thats how i feel.

I am his first sexual partner and as far as i can work out the only place he learnt about sex was by watching porn. He had some very odd veiws when we first met but i let it slide as the rest of life was great as it is now. Hes a great dad and we have a laugh together but when it comes to sex its awful. Im not saying its bad when we do it its the constant pressure he puts on me for it.

Maybe im making more of it than i should but seriously whenever we have any time to ourselves thats what he wants. If we go out for the day he is constantly hinting at wanting to go back and if i dont agree he gets in a mood and sulks. If we are planning what to do hr always "what would you like to do?" insert wink if i dont reply how he wants he sulks! When im on my period he sulks as i obviously have control over this. Its like im meant to be up for it all the time and its getting me down. I know its a stupid thing to let bother me but it does to the point i dont want to do it ever again.

We have talked about it so many times but nothing changes has anyonenelse experienced this?

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/10/2016 10:14

He is not a good dad to his children if he treats you like this i.e. someone to have sex on. Its all about power and control. You're not being really considered here at all. Also you have talked and talked about this and nothing has really changed. He therefore sees nothing wrong with what he is doing and also he thinks well you have stayed with him regardless.

There were some other indicators re him that you minimised also(what odd views did he share with you when you first met). Why was that?

Also women in poor relationships often write the "good dad" comment when they themselves can write nothing at all positive about their man. As is the case here.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You must get something out of this, what needs of yours are being met here by him?

Original poster

Fedup82 · 22/10/2016 10:31

The weird views are what he thought women where like. He thought we where up for it all the time and for anything at that. Hes accepted thats not the case since then. He just seems to think because he wants it i should and if i dont i hate him or something. Like when i get woken up by him pushing himself against me and i just get up and walk off or tell him to stop he thinks i hate him. Its so stupid.

Im sitting here thinking of what i get out of it and i suppose i get to do a job i like and go out some evenings. Also someone who shares a common interest to me not that im as into it as i used to be. Its been so long i cant imagine anything other than this.

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badabing36 · 22/10/2016 10:34

There have been a lot of threads on here recently by women who are having or have had similar experiences. I hope one of them comes along soon to offer you advice.

Sorry not very helpful I know.

A lot of the women found that their relationship was abusive. Not saying yours is, but the constant pressure to gave sex must take all the fun out of it.

What are his "odd views"? Does he try and change your mind when you say no? How was he with dealing with no sex after your killing dcs were born?

If you feel bullied into sex, then it's abuse.

badabing36 · 22/10/2016 10:38

*have not gave, though it could be give

Original poster

Fedup82 · 22/10/2016 10:45

He makes me feel guilty for not wanting it. He struggled after dcs where born with feeling rejected.

As for his weird views maybe it was because my ex wasnt like it and i had no other experience or interest in porn at all that i found it odd. But he never thought and still tends to not think i need to get in the mood. Thought i should love him cuming over my face (something that just made me feel gross) that i should be completely submissive ect.

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badabing36 · 22/10/2016 11:21

Ook! Cuming on your face sounds grim.

I'm glad to hear that he doesn't start groping you etc when you say no.

Maybe it's a sexual compatibility issue? You're into a more loving style and he's into the sub/dom thing?

I agree with you that porn seems to normalise these things, so that some men think all women like this stuff.

Original poster

Fedup82 · 22/10/2016 11:25

I wouldnt say he into dominating its hard to explain but the only way i can explain he pesters (you know how kids do) until i give in or get so pissed off we argue.

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Original poster

Fedup82 · 22/10/2016 11:26

Its like if i say no i somehow dont love him and that if i give him a hug its not just a hug its a come on. Does any of this make sense?

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Smartleatherbag · 22/10/2016 11:29

He's being manipulative wrt sex. It's not okay, or healthy. I've been there with previous partner. He needs to stop or fuck off.

SmellySphinx · 22/10/2016 11:51

I get where you're coming from. Although I don't think it's abuse per se, it's definitely not something you want to have to deal with day in and day out. It's exhausting and emotionally draining.
Sex does not unequivically = love.
Ultimately, in my opinion, he needs some Adult sex ed!
Because you're his only partner and he's watched porn - he won't have enough personal experience to garner what is pleasent for different women. You can lead him but you can't MAKE him good at it, you could give him an education in what you do like and what you deem appropriate. The porn he is watching is from a MANS point of view primarily and the women (although some may enjoy it) are getting paid to make it look as though they couldn't get enough of it. Cumming on the face, gagging bJ's etc.
I have certain reservations as to a lot of the ethics of pornography but some could be an education for him I imagine. If he were to watch lesbian amateur porn some of which is more gentle and loving, I suspect he would learn a lot about the more intimate side of sex. I'm not suggesting that you sit him in front of the tv watching endless amounts of porn with dildos flying everywhere... but it could help him to begin to see what the different perspective is. I think a good way to start this would be, of you could, perhaps view some yourself until you see what the level of intimacy is like and which you would like to convey to him. To put a point across if you like. That's my opinion on the actual sex side of it. The constant nudging, winking and every time you lie down it's a indication to start wanting or initiating sex is EXTREMELY irritating I know a lot of men do it and women of course will do it too. But the tutting and sulking - I get it.
I think by saying he's a good guy in all other respects is you putting the relationship into context, not hiding any kind of abuse as such. I'm not saying it most definitely isn't abuse, it can and is abuse, I personally don't think it is in this context.

SmellySphinx · 22/10/2016 11:54

if* not of

Mantis1975 · 22/10/2016 11:55

It sounds like there are two issues her.
He sounds insecure and is looking for attention. How are things between you otherwise? Do you spend time as a couple?
He may feel isolated or as though there's a distance between you and sex is his way of feeling close to you. ie. He felt closer to you when you were first together and you had more sex then ergo sex = closeness.
(Look at TV and Movies, to show a couple care about each other they show them having sex)

The other issue is the sex itself. Treating you like someone in porn when you don't want to be treated like that really isn't cool and he needs to understand that. Maybe explain that he'd maybe get more if he took care of your needs and stopped trying to act out porn. If you don't want to talk about it I think there are probably apps or websites to do with sexual chemistry where you can get a list of activities and can select what you like and don't like. This is then matched against your partner. It might take some of the embarrassment out of listing things yourself plus give him a clue into what you do enjoy.

Sorry for the essay.

SmellySphinx · 22/10/2016 11:59

Basically he needs to learn some boundaries and by going into sulk mode when you brush off his advances even when all you want is a hug, shouldn't be tolerated. It's all about how you approach it. From my point of view, he needs some education! Not patronising of course...Maybe then you will be more likely to want to happily engage in a loving sex session and not doing it just so he won't moan and whinge which could turn into abuse if it were to carry on.

Original poster

Fedup82 · 22/10/2016 12:05

Its weird thinking about it now as he would view me watching porn as cheating.

In his defence im not the most affectionate person and like my own space. He often jokes im the man in our relationship on that front. We are lucky in the fact we get quite alot of time to be a couple. There has never been a time before children with us as i already has a dc. Its just the pestering that gets to me and makes me feel like its all he ever wants. Silly i know. Hes not abusive though just irritating.

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SmellySphinx · 22/10/2016 12:10

Haha it is very strange that he would watch porn yet you watching it is cheating

You are on different ends of the spectrum intimacy wise then I suppose. It's difficult to get that balance. I'm going to have to reel out the 'Have you tried counselling?' line. Nothing heavy, just couples counselling

CupofTeaTime · 22/10/2016 12:12

Urgh he reminds me of a dog that can't stop humping the furniture. He's a man-child that needs to learn you are a person and not a vagina or he needs to leave and live on his own where he can watch porn and wank all day long. He's gross

Mantis1975 · 22/10/2016 12:15

Try talking to him and explaining that you understand his neediness but is there any other way that you can show him affection without sex.
He sounds emotionally immature so he may not be able to answer this so, unfortunately it might be a bit of trial and error. Maybe suggest a dry month (save for some pre-agreed dates) so you can be affectionate without the risk of it developing into sex.

ICuntSeeYourPoint · 22/10/2016 12:20

It's not silly at all. Like you said, his actions suggest he thinks of you as a hole instead of a person. You need to have a talk with him and explain this and how it is a real problem. If he doesn't accept this is a problem that needs fixing then I honestly would leave - who wants to live their life as a hole for some sulky man-child?! Can you invest some time in relate or other couples therapy?

Original poster

Fedup82 · 22/10/2016 12:59

Cupofteatime i have told him hes like a dog before but it just doesnt sink in.

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Original poster

Fedup82 · 22/10/2016 13:01

Ive talked to him so many times about it so maybe we do need to see someone. He backs off for a few days then it starts again. Also when i do cave in he instantly starts talking about next time the moment hes finished (that sounds grim doesnt it)

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MoveItMoveItMoveIt · 22/10/2016 13:04

Oh gosh I would hate that it sounds awful. You're right in thinking he's not treating you like a person. A relationship is about way way more than just sex. I think he has unrealistic expectations and you shouldn't cave in to them.

witsender · 22/10/2016 13:09

My ex was just like this. He was a virgin when we met but he had watched a lot of porn. Women were meant to be up for it whenever, look like porn stars, sound like them in bed, be up for anything etc. After a few years I saw the light and ran, but I appreciate yours is a different situation.

twattymctwatterson · 22/10/2016 13:11

Honestly OP that does sound like abuse even if you've never considered that before. He pesters you for sex until you give in? He sulks if you don't? That's coercive. The very fact that he doesn't seem to think you need to get into it and thinks you should enjoy him demeaning you shows that he really doesn't like women very much and doesn't really care if you like sex very much- just that you service him. If you want to stay in this relationship then I'd put it in as blunt terms as possible that his treatment of you is dehumanising and is killing the relationship. If he doesn't permanently change after that id seriously consider leaving

Original poster

Fedup82 · 22/10/2016 15:55

Thanks for your replys i mainly started this because mil has the kids tonight and i know whats going to be the main talk of the evening.

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pinkyredrose · 22/10/2016 16:30

He sounds hideous. If he's not willing listen to you then your relationship will die a death. The very fact that you use phrases such as 'when I cave in' chills me to the bone. This is not how a relationship should be, you have a very unhealthy dynamic.

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