Want to feel like a person!

[Fedup82]

Ok so not sure if this is the right place to put this. Ive been with dp for 10 yrs we have children together and life is good except for one thing. My partner sometimes makes me feel like im just a hole. Sorry to sound crude but thats how i feel.

I am his first sexual partner and as far as i can work out the only place he learnt about sex was by watching porn. He had some very odd veiws when we first met but i let it slide as the rest of life was great as it is now. Hes a great dad and we have a laugh together but when it comes to sex its awful. Im not saying its bad when we do it its the constant pressure he puts on me for it.

Maybe im making more of it than i should but seriously whenever we have any time to ourselves thats what he wants. If we go out for the day he is constantly hinting at wanting to go back and if i dont agree he gets in a mood and sulks. If we are planning what to do hr always "what would you like to do?" insert wink if i dont reply how he wants he sulks! When im on my period he sulks as i obviously have control over this. Its like im meant to be up for it all the time and its getting me down. I know its a stupid thing to let bother me but it does to the point i dont want to do it ever again.

We have talked about it so many times but nothing changes has anyonenelse experienced this?

You are also, knowingly or otherwise, excusing his behaviour to some degree with the whole 'virgin' thing. I was one when I met my wife too, and I don't constantly hassle her for sex or have warped porn-based expectations. If she's not up for a particular activity or sex at all, it doesn't happen that day. End of story. His problem isn't with a lack of contextualising experience, it's with being a self-serving twat.

The weird views are what he thought women where like. He thought we where up for it all the time and for anything at that. Hes accepted thats not the case since then.

It doesn't sound to me like he's accepted that, at all. He may have said "Yeah yeah babe I know it's not like that" just to get you to shut up, but he clearly doesn't believe it, does he?

Yes, tbh op, he sounds like her doesn't like women at all. You deserve better.

I don't think you realise it yet but you're in an abusive relationship. He makes you feel like you're 'just a hole' because that's how he thinks of you. I'm sorry if that's harsh but it's true. You may think you have a good relationship because you have low self esteem and low expectations. The way he is treating you is not acceptable and should not be tolerated. X

Here goes!

I can identify with some of his behaviour to an extent. But the porn behaviour is extreme. Not at all nice

It sounds like you have grossly mismatched sex drives, and I suspect that his attitude makes you feel even less like doing it. The porn episode clearly demonstrates that you are prepared to go a very long way towards meeting his desires, which is the essence of dealing with the overall situation

I think you just need to keep trying to educate him and let him know just how boring (and unacceptable) some of his behaviour and remarks really are

Back for a bit of an update. I spoke to him but to be honest i dont think its sunk in he just seems to take it as me not liking him. He still makes comments when we have time to ourselves.

The thing i said about him seeing me watching porn as cheating he also holds the same views for himself and wont as much as have a wank without pestering me to be part of it .

Ive said befors things are ok in other parts of life its just the one thing that upsets me. To be honest these days i dont even like sex anymore and i have a high sex drive. Thanks for all your comments they have helped even if i am yet to change anything

I think you need to decide whether you would like another 10 years of your life this.

You said you have spoken to him about his attitude and nothing changed, so using that as a starting point there is no reason to believe he will change.

He needs to find help from outside your marriage to help him sort out his issues around sex and intimacy.

Just leaving this here.

It is not your job to teach him not to be sexually abusive. He should just not be sexually abusive. It doesn't matter where he learned it from.

Your partner sounds like he hasn't grown up. His behaviour is regressed, and he's pulling you into his childish wants and needs. It feels horribly co-dependent to me - and the sex is a symptom of that.

He needs help.

Thats the thing though i cant keep being made to feel bad for having my own wants and needs. I feel like i am the sole reason for his happyness and its sufforcating. I know alot of people would say im lucky to have someone so totally devoted, who wants you so much but i just feel trapped. I feel like i have to walk on egg shells about everything and even trying to talk about this stuff results in him getting upset.

My ex was like this. Like you I had a high sex drive but in the last few months of our relationship his pestering, hinting, and endless come-ons just made me want it less. Then the less I wanted it the more he would take it personally ("you don't love me anymore", "well you used to like it this much/like turned into "you must have feelings for someone else") and the pressure of wanting to want to made me want it even less, and even if I tried to talk to him rationally about how it made me feel/why I wasn't as up for certain things as I used to be (health related, as it happened) he just couldn't or wouldn't see it from my side or have any empathy for the health issues. His only experience of sex had either been from porn, ONS, one gf ten years previous and about 3 FWB who he'd see sporadically and who were all MUCH more into him than he was them (which sadly I think led to them being a lot more willing to do things to please him). I had been seeing a really good counsellor for about 6 months by then and she helped me realise (as slowly as it took me) that actually it was the selfishness of him and complete lack of empathy and how he would sulk, that turned me off him even more. Eventually thanks to her and mumsnet I realised that I was gaining self respect, and that was a large part of me being so turned off by him. I left him in the end. Turned out to be the best thing I ever did. I couldn't have turned my feelings back on for him if I'd tried, and thank god! Maybe get some counselling by yourself?