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Original poster

Husband going on holiday when baby will be 6/8 weeks old. Is it ok?

68 replies

Keepswimming21 · 21/10/2016 09:26

Hello, i am new to this website so please forgive me if the post doesn't follow the rules but I am desperate for some 3rd party honest opinion.

I am 36 weeks pregnant of our second child, have been married 10 years and he is a great husband overall. His family live in Asia and he hasn't seen them for 2 years, was meant to go and see them this November but had to postpone due to baby arriving.

He is planning to go in January for three weeks when our baby will be two months old depending on when he/she arrives and we have no family or close friends around that could help me when he is away. I understand he wants to use his annual leave before the end of the financial year and his cousin is getting married at that time too but I am somehow crossed he is going on a 3 weeks holiday to the other side of the world when baby is so small. No one in his family sees this as a problem and i should be able to manage fine on my own with a newborn while my friends and family say this is unreasonable and selfish and he should check his priorities in life.

If i speak to him he will get angry and accuse me of not loving his family, being unreasonable, jealous and depriving him of his freedom etc. and his family will think i am a manipulative witch keeping him away from them. If he doesn't go he will begrudge me and remind me of the time of when i didn't let him go to see his mum forever. I now actually want him to go but resent him for deciding to go without even asking me if i minded.

He has never been away for more than two weeks and a bit before and this will be his longest time away since we are together, I have asked him to go for two weeks instead but he is not keen 'too far and the wedding itself will take a week' so he wouldn't have time to catch up with family properly'.

Has anyone has ever been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

wafflyversatile · 21/10/2016 12:24

It mostly seems like it is unfortunate timing and his trip has already been rearranged to be squeezed between the birth and when his annual leave runs out.

You married someone whose family is far away. There will be cultural difference with how they regard family etc. Also you can't just drop in on parents on a sunday afternoon.

I presume you and your family live in the UK so out of 104 weeks 101 of them are spent in your home country near or nearish to your family. If it was the other way round how would you feel after 2 years of not visiting your family? You say he was originally going in November but that's been changed because you now have your baby due then.

Newborns can be a lot of hard work but others have managed on their own.

I don't think you can win this one by getting him to stay here so maybe you can work on being ok with him going. Maybe you can have more of a chat about seeing if 2 weeks can work.

When are you/him next likely to be able to travel out there?

IminaPickle · 21/10/2016 12:27

It's doable, but not ideal. 2 weeks would be best- as he's been for 2 weeks previously if continue lobbying for that.
Although your friends and family aren't near, you do have time to arrange help. Perhaps one family member stays a couple of nights the first week, you visit friends in the middle weekend and another family member could stay for some of the second week?

wonderingsoul · 21/10/2016 12:48

I think ybu a little bit but i can understand it. If hes taking your other lo with him id see it as nice bonding time with baby.

Offred · 21/10/2016 15:33

Of course everyone could probably cope, some people would like it, some people would hate it etc

The problem is that he is insisting he is going, made the decision himself without reference to his wife's feelings when she will be the one lumped with the entire care of the newborn and deprived of family bonding time with her eldest child and she doesn't want it to happen. Now he is bullying her about how important it is to go for 3 weeks not to and using a wedding he hadn't even planned to attend as a stick to beat her with, calling her controlling etc.

Whether the op could cope or whether you or I would enjoy the time (and you can't possibly predict that because you are assuming the birth will go fine) is totally irrelevant to his completely dismissive and disrespectful attitude towards his wife.

LaPharisienne · 21/10/2016 15:39

Like mumble, my DP worked away when DD was newborn and like you, I was very worried about being left on my own with a newborn. I guess the problem is you don't know how you'll feel after the birth or what sort of baby you'll have!

We agreed that he would plan to work away as usual (weeks at a time), but on the understanding that if I was struggling or started to struggle he would have to come home. He accepted the risk and told his work who were understanding but as it happened I was happy as Larry at home with my baby.

HTH

Nanny0gg · 21/10/2016 15:49

He is a really good and caring man and a great dad

I wish people would stop saying this in threads where the 'good caring man' is actively being an arse.

You'll cope. You'll have to because it's not up for discussion and he doesn't appear to give a toss.

How you'll feel about him when he comes back is another matter.

oldlaundbooth · 21/10/2016 15:55

No way. He's being VU.

QueenLizIII · 21/10/2016 23:01

Indeed and i don't mind when he goes, we have gone together too and with our older one he went when she was 8 months old and i managed ok.

So he has left you before. He is taking your eldest child with him so he is not literally dropping you in it with both of them.

Is there any chance you would enjoy the time alone with your new baby without your eldest child there?

If you dont want him to go suggest he waits and you all go together or maybe just goes away for 10 days. 3 weeks is a bit much.

QueenLizIII · 21/10/2016 23:02

You'll cope. You'll have to because it's not up for discussion and he doesn't appear to give a toss.

She will cope in the same way he copes with caring for their eldest child alone abroad for 3 weeks. He isnt literally dropping her in it with both dc and going off for a jolly alone.

HalloToJasonIsaacs · 21/10/2016 23:17

You'll probably be fine. Going from a four year old and a five week old to just a six week old baby, when it's your second and you know the ropes will probably seem fabulously relaxing. But......there is a risk that you'll have a really difficult baby, or severe baby blues or medical problems. If DH understands this and knows that all bets may be off, and if you have thought about it and planned for back up support, perhaps from visiting relatives, then it'll be fine.

liletsthepink · 21/10/2016 23:18

Will your older child be at school by then? I think it will disrupt her schooling and you won't get permission for three weeks off school. You'll definitely have to pay a fine.

Why can't he use up his annual leave to be with his wife, young child and baby? He sounds selfish and unpleasant.

Nanny0gg · 22/10/2016 00:10

She will cope in the same way he copes with caring for their eldest child alone abroad for 3 weeks. He isnt literally dropping her in it with both dc and going off for a jolly alone.

No. He's visiting family with a four year-old. Don't tell me the child won't be swooped on by his family and taken care of for most of the trip.
The OP will be home alone with a two month old.

And I sincerely hope she will have recovered better from the birth than I had at that stage.

JoJoSM2 · 22/10/2016 00:20

Why don't his family come over here? Alternatively, could he apply to have his leave rolled over because of your circumstances and you could go over all together as soon as you feel you can face the flight?

QueenLizIII · 22/10/2016 00:26

The OP will be home alone with a two month old.

As she would be anyway. Unless her DH doesnt work? She would be alone during the day with a 4yo and a new baby and her DH coming from at work at night.

Is it beyond the capability for a second time mother to care for their own 2 month old baby?

With the 4 yo not there, she can nap in the daytime as she sees fit when the baby is asleep, and bond with the baby alone.

JosephineMaynard · 22/10/2016 08:32

Regardless of OPs ability to cope alone with a small baby, her DHs refusal to discuss her concerns is worrying.

He's essentially dismissing her worries, and trying to browbeat her into submission by telling her she's unreasonable, jealous, hates his family, depriving him of freedom etc.

There doesn't seem to be any consideration shown towards OPs feelings and concerns here, any attempt to discuss them rationally or reassure her, or to work out a plan for if she's not coping for whatever reason.

PotteringAlong · 22/10/2016 08:36

He's taking the 4 year old; it will be fine.

Or, can you all not go? The baby won't need a seat so it's one more plane ticket.

TaggieRR · 22/10/2016 08:41

Irrespective of dh, I wouldn't want my 4 yr old away from me for so long.

Nanny0gg · 22/10/2016 10:52

The OP has already pointed out that neither of them are happy taking a 2 month-old to Nepal.

And all those that say she will be fine, are you not concerned at:
If i speak to him he will get angry and accuse me of not loving his family, being unreasonable, jealous and depriving him of his freedom etc. and his family will think i am a manipulative witch keeping him away from them. If he doesn't go he will begrudge me and remind me of the time of when i didn't let him go to see his mum forever. I now actually want him to go but resent him for deciding to go without even asking me if i minded.

Because I am.

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