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Original poster

Husband going on holiday when baby will be 6/8 weeks old. Is it ok?

68 replies

Keepswimming21 · 21/10/2016 09:26

Hello, i am new to this website so please forgive me if the post doesn't follow the rules but I am desperate for some 3rd party honest opinion.

I am 36 weeks pregnant of our second child, have been married 10 years and he is a great husband overall. His family live in Asia and he hasn't seen them for 2 years, was meant to go and see them this November but had to postpone due to baby arriving.

He is planning to go in January for three weeks when our baby will be two months old depending on when he/she arrives and we have no family or close friends around that could help me when he is away. I understand he wants to use his annual leave before the end of the financial year and his cousin is getting married at that time too but I am somehow crossed he is going on a 3 weeks holiday to the other side of the world when baby is so small. No one in his family sees this as a problem and i should be able to manage fine on my own with a newborn while my friends and family say this is unreasonable and selfish and he should check his priorities in life.

If i speak to him he will get angry and accuse me of not loving his family, being unreasonable, jealous and depriving him of his freedom etc. and his family will think i am a manipulative witch keeping him away from them. If he doesn't go he will begrudge me and remind me of the time of when i didn't let him go to see his mum forever. I now actually want him to go but resent him for deciding to go without even asking me if i minded.

He has never been away for more than two weeks and a bit before and this will be his longest time away since we are together, I have asked him to go for two weeks instead but he is not keen 'too far and the wedding itself will take a week' so he wouldn't have time to catch up with family properly'.

Has anyone has ever been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
furryminkymoo · 21/10/2016 09:52

if you can get passports sorted then suggest that you all go, then make him hold the baby/have bassinet seat?

Offred · 21/10/2016 09:52

6 weeks is peak time for baby blues too

Hoppinggreen · 21/10/2016 09:53

You would be able to manage , as long as both you and baby were well.
However, the issue is that your husband is being an arsehole about it and you are worried about him getting angry if you try and discuss it. That is not ok at all

Bagina · 21/10/2016 09:54

It's only a wedding!

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 21/10/2016 09:58

Hmm, I think that if you aren't happy with him going at that time then he shouldn't be going. His own family (i.e. wife & children) should come first as an adult.

However, I'm not completely sure that I'd be too against it myself. My thinking being, that he will be going (reasonably) at some point in the next year and he is taking your older child with him. Maybe it's a reflection on how my own babies were, but I'd have found 3 weeks alone with a 6 week old much easier than 3 weeks alone with a 6 month old. Also, if your DD is almost 4, I assume she'll start school next September? In which case, it would be preferable for them to make the trip before then wouldn't it?

What would your ideal scenario be? Would you prefer him to wait until you can all go? Or would you prefer him to just wait a few months?

Mozfan1 · 21/10/2016 09:58

You and the baby are his family now. You are the priority. He shouldn't go.

SquawkFish · 21/10/2016 10:08

I think it's fine. He's taking your older child, so not leaving you with two. He is effectively offering to do half the childcare during that time (although the childcare between the two varies different, four year olds do need to be well looked after too!).

His family would probably love to see their son as well as your four year old.

It may be the last long trip before your four year old starts school for them as well. Makes sense to me that he should take his annual leave for this.

Heirhelp · 21/10/2016 10:12

All births and babies are different. My lovely neighbour second new born baby is a breeze, breast feeds in 10 mins and she is out and about from day 7. I was just leaving hospital when my baby was 17 days old, I was ill and baby spent 4 hours at a time feeding and she developed bad reflux. I would not have managed alone at six weeks but with an easier birth and a easier baby it would have been different.

OhNoNotMyBaby · 21/10/2016 10:18

I think it's fine for him to go. He's taking your 4 year old so it will be just you and your newborn. TBH, I would welcome the break! You will be able to focus entirely on yourself and your baby.

I don't get the abuse being levelled at him.

FWIW my H travelled on business for 3 weeks, 2 weeks after the birth of #3, when #2 was in plaster after an op. Not ideal, but we coped.

leaveittothediva · 21/10/2016 10:30

Bagina

Yep, you are totally right there, you won't get many women that can bugger off for a three week holiday when baby is that age though. GrinGrin

Chinlo · 21/10/2016 10:37

If i speak to him he will get angry and accuse me of not loving his family, being unreasonable, jealous and depriving him of his freedom etc.

Alarm bells. I would never marry somebody who behaves like this so I don't have any advice on your immediate situation. Just wanted to say, there are men out there who treat their partners with respect and don't behave like spoiled children. You don't always have to put up with that kind of shit.

BarbarianMum · 21/10/2016 10:45

It's not just a holiday though, is it? He's not off to Menorca with his mates, he's going to see his family with his eldest child and there is wedding.

Having said which, I think 2 weeks seems a reasonable compromise. Or how would you feel about going with him OP?

Stopyourhavering · 21/10/2016 10:46

I'd go too!.... Can you not all go?
However I've been left with 3 dcs when dh working away....and no family help
It is doable, just need to be organised....not all of us have family living nearby to help!

Mooey89 · 21/10/2016 10:49

Yes - my ExH went to Ireland for a holiday when DS was 6 weeks old.

It was a small element of a much bigger picture of how he didn't even lift a finger, treated me like shit, and was abusive.

So, yes I've been there, yes he's unreasonable. You can't ask him because he will get angry?

What are you going to do about this?

Leopard12 · 21/10/2016 10:52

I think to some people it's reasonable to others its not, you need to decide yourself and explain your feelings to your dh

KittyVonCatsington · 21/10/2016 10:55

My husband had a pre-planned (before we got pregnant) school trip when DD was 7 weeks old. It was for 6 days (Biology field trip for their A Level coursework) and in all honesty? It was fine! We don't have grandparents either side to help out either and I still managed. I got really confident in my parenting skills during that time and helped me get out the house with her, more often. So just saying it doesn't have to be quite so terrible a thing to happen.

Silverleaved · 21/10/2016 11:07

I think that would be terribly lonely for op, missing her 4 yo and dh, tiny babies are not much company. I'd worry for your mental health. What if you need a c section or have other medical niggles

WankersHacksandThieves · 21/10/2016 11:13

What about single parents or people who's partners are in the forces?

People manage perfectly well to look after their own baby by themselves. I think I'd probably enjoy that time to get into a good routine and have the baby to myself to be honest.

Whether you should have had more input to the discussion about it is something I cant comment on.

WankersHacksandThieves · 21/10/2016 11:13

What about single parents or people who's partners are in the forces?

People manage perfectly well to look after their own baby by themselves. I think I'd probably enjoy that time to get into a good routine and have the baby to myself to be honest.

Whether you should have had more input to the discussion about it is something I cant comment on.

Original poster
Keepswimming21 · 21/10/2016 11:33

thank you all for the responses. I have no idea how to respond to individuals asking questions so i'll try this way:
he doesn't want baby to go this young as it is very polluted and not a good place for a new-born, he comes from Nepal and healthcare there is not great in case we needed a doctor. We may not even have documents ready for the baby to travel by then and baby will not have completed the basic the vaccinations or even the six weeks check up.

I don't mind him going for two weeks, he has never gone for three weeks and i don't see why 3 weeks is so important now, with a small baby at home. I don't feel either me or baby are important for him, or at least not as important as this stupid wedding.

He is a really good and caring man and a great dad i can't fault him for what he does at home and how he is with me. He loves his family a lot which is great but yet i am no longer sure where his priorities are...

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 21/10/2016 11:36

Is he under pressure from his family? As that may not be helping him make a sensible decision.

BadRespawn · 21/10/2016 11:38

Speaking as a new father of a 4-week old baby, the very fact that he actively wants (or at the very least is happy) to miss these early days of bonding with his child is troubling

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 21/10/2016 11:39

Slightly off-topic, but I'd be really wary of taking the 4 year old away for that length of time, just after a new baby arrives. They could see the new child as pushing them out of the nest, kind of thing.

WankersHacksandThieves · 21/10/2016 11:52

I think the 4 year old will be made a complete fuss off with the family visits and the wedding events, I don't think they will feel pushed out, although they may obviously miss being with mum. Is 2 and a half weeks a compromise?

ftw · 21/10/2016 12:21

If he was going to go in Nov, but has postponed, going to the wedding in Jan was not his first intention.

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