I don't trust dh over his reason for being away for a night. I'm not sure if its my depression or if I should be suspicious

[Woodenmouse]

2 days ago Dh had a phone interview for a really good job. After the interview he said he had been offered a trial and they wanted him to stay over and he would come home the following morning. He's a chef so he would be working in the evening and the job is at a hotel but it seems odd that they want him to stay. He's said they are insistent (hinted that if he didn't then he wouldn't get the job).
Inhad pnd after ds1 was born and infound out he was chatting to a girl from work, in one message he sent he said he regretted marrying and was only staying because of Ds. He says nothing happend but he deleted all the messages so i never saw tgem, i only saw the one so i dont know what else was said etc. I now have pnd after ds2s birth and im worried its starting all over again (with someone different). He also slipped up and mentioned being at the pub the other day when I thought he was working late, he said he had gone with a guy from work and was then giving the guy a lift butnhendodnt sound convincing and when unmentioned it a few days later a couple of facts changed.

Am I bring overly suspicious or is something going on.

For that position it seems accecptable to me, possibly even expected. He may be nervous about the job trial if its a step up?

If he does stay I suggest you offer to go with him and offer mutual support.
He is not doing anything to help you trust him following his past.

Sounds like he's reluctantly got cold feet about the overnight stay.

He's said they are insistent (hinted that if he didn't then he wouldn't get the job).

He's changed his story .........

Regardless of what's happening now I wouldn't be able to get over the regretting getting married bit.
Does he respect you?

I'd be worried cause he's changed his story after you've quizzed him. He probably thought he could get away with it without any questions

"The message about regretting being married would be the end for me."
I would endorse that.

So sorry to hear you are suffering from PND - I do hope you are getting the right treatment and will be well again soon.

If he wanted a night away for dodgy reasons, wouldn't he just think up some other/any old excuse? Night away with the lads or whatever. It seems odd to link it to a job, provided the job itself is legit

This is standard practice in the industry, my OH is a chef too and has stayed at hotels countless times for trials and arranged stays for people he is trialling. One or two places have also done 2/3 day trials including 2/3 nights stay.

Just read that it's head chef job, which makes it even more likely they'll offer for him to stay to allow him to get a feel for the place/to impress him. Good head chefs are hard to come by at the moment.

I think this is legit. I think his past and your mental health issues have given you a reason to doubt him, but this, with the job, is a reasonable thing.

Thanks for all the replies. He's not staying now. I'm still not 100% sure if I'm imagining it or not. I picked up his phone yesterday as ds2 did something cute and my phone was in the other room and i wanted to take a photo and he grabbed it out of my hand and took the photo instead. I don't want to accuse him if it's nothing but I can't help being sucpisious.

I think he was attempting to get a night away that has nothing to do with the job.

Hmm.......I'm 50/50 on this one OP but feel very sorry that you have this worry on top of PND. Are you getting help with that - as I'm sure you know there are meds you can take while you're breastfeeding. You also have two little ones so must be pretty exhausted. You don't need this worry on top of it all.

I might be wrong but you don't sound like you're very assertive with dH - you don't mention what happened after seeing the texts to the OW after the birth of your first son...........did you not challenge him? And the issue of staying over at the pub could well be true so that they can get the measure of him, but I gather it's not happening now. I think that's more suspicious than if he was staying to be honest. Maybe OW can't get away for the night after all..............I don't know obviously, but I think you may be need to be more assertive - the issue with the phone - you don't have to accuse him, but you could ask him why he grabbed it from you and it makes you wonder if there is something there you're not meant to see. That;s not an accusation. If you don't challenge him, it gives him much more of a free rein to do as he likes.

I do hope you can get support with your pnd as I believe meds are very effective in treating this illness. As for DH - I dunno I expect time will tell but do you think you could be more assertive, or are you a timid/reserved kind of person. I thing guarding phones is a big give away to be honest and I speak from experience!

You chose too stay after finding the messages and not getting the full story. His story sounds legit too me, and he probably looks deflated because you keep quizzing him. Can the relationship really continue if you doubt the littlest of things he says?

Even though he's obviously changed his story?????
At first he implied he had to stay to get the job and then suddenly his possible future boss was mistaken on how far away he lives.

Grabbing his phone out of your hand and taking the photo himself is odd!

I think your instincts are right.
Saying to a female colleague that he regrets marrying you etc., and then conveniently deleting all the messages.
A day after his phone interview, saying that he would have to stay overnight at work (oh yeah).
Then quickly grabbing his phone off you - what has he got to hide?
I don't think any of this sounds good :0(

he's up to something, it all seems very odd.

story changing, phone guarding, .....who is the woman colleague and where is she now? And if he was at the pub with a guy friend the other night I'd be extremely surprised.

I'm a bit shocked that people are saying LTB over something that's common in the industry .
Perhaps if you aren't familiar with the industry don't comment on how unlikely you find it?

OP obviously has some real struggles and legitimate concerns (pnd and the messages) but in my opinion, as someone who's been "married into" the industry for the best part of 10 years, the hotel room is fairly standard and not a concern.

You know something, OP, sometimes women find their PND miraculously disappears when they find out what's really been going on in their lives. I can vouch for that.

No one's saying LTB Lost.
OP, IF, your husband is messing you about, he's not very good at it, and you will catch him out. (Story changing regarding being in the pub when you thought he was working late etc).

I agree with ImperialBleather. My kids' dad was always telling me I needed happy pills. well, I gave in and took them and they gave me the strength to leave that asshole.

Many years later i met a man and we were friends but I wanted more. He was in many ways a very good friend, supportive, funny, kind, regularly communicative, affectionate, warm........... but I walked away because it made me feel bad about myself and sometimes that's the point right? It's not whether they're guilty or not guilty. You just have to stand back and think, this is not making me feel good about myself. And there's a big difference between a close m/f friendship and a marriage but I think the relevant question is still the same.

My mistake Keep cool, I skim read an LTB upthread but it was in relation to the messages.

I'd say listen to your gut instinct