DH won't have a second child and I'm desperate

[Benina]

We always thought two children would be a good number, though nothing was set in stone. Now we have DD, 20 months, and it has brought up all sorts of issues from DH's troubled childhood. He got such terrible anxiety about her getting ill that he spent a month as an inpatient being treated for it. That was a few months ago and he is lots better now, but he says he never wants another child in case the same thing happens again.

I just can't bring myself to accept that. I can't stand the idea of never being pregnant again, and watching my fertility tick away every month. I am absolutely desperate for another child. I am also from a big family and have very close relationships with my parents and sisters, and I hate the idea of DD growing up without siblings. I know lots of only children are really happy, and lots of people would be ecstatic just to have one child, and DH's reasons for not wanting another are totally reasonable. But I just can't stand it.

He says if it's that important we should break up and I'll have the chance to meet someone else. I really don't want to because I love him (though I am furious with him at the moment about this) and anyway people you love enough to want children with don't come along every day, and my social life is basically nil because of looking after DD. I've even thought about getting donor sperm. Am I going mad? Will I ever come to terms with the idea of having just one? What would you do?

Op, I've kind of been in both of your shoes. I 100% get the unwavering desire for another child.
When I had very serious stress related anxiety I became fixated with the idea of another child. I am so glad dh put his foot down at that point. It really would only have added to the worries. Anxiety sufferers need a little more time to focus on themselves and deal with their own issues. Imagine if you had another dc, and God forbid, it was born with health issues... Would he cope?
I do have another dc now (who his bouncing away on my lap) so all is not lost. But we have to be sensible about these decisions.It is really inportant that both parents are in a good mental headspace to parent properly xx

I don't want to have another child with a different partner. I'd prefer my children to be full siblings. I am happy with my DH but I wouldn't be if he didn't want a child and I did.

That's a bit crazy IMO paul. Surely giving your children the best chance of having a good dad who will hopefully be there as they grow up is more important than the biology?

paul what a conniving and frankly selfish thing to do.

OP me and my dh always wanted 2 children, we had one dc but when he was a few months old, dh decided that he did not want anymore, think he found it all quite difficult (plus he has dc from previous relationship).

I was devastated, I had always wanted a sibling for ds and to have another child, however, we agreed to give it a year and dicuss it, after the year he was still adamant that it was a no. So I had to make a decision, either stay with my dh and be happy with just ds, or split up and hope that I might meet someone and have a child with them.

I chose to stay, I love my dh, I love our life and family together and I didn't want to cause heartache to my ds by breaking up our home for the sake of something that might not happen.

However, I did have to work through my feelings, as I felt sad, anger, disappointed etc and it took some time. I think once I had made the decision it become easier to work through them.

As my ds is getting older, I am finding that I am less and less inclined to want to go back to the baby years, so time helps also.

Paul - It doesn't sound like your giving any thought to what your child might want. They might actually prefer that their parents stay together than to have a sibling. Your focusing very much on what you want to the detriment of what your child wants.

Blue An MH problem that you & I are not expert in! I don't think someone would say this in other circs & that he did suggests how much he trusts the OP.

I have one child and had expected to have/wanted more but I don't understand how someone would throw away so much for that desire.

Do you trust your H not to cheat? I wouldn't!

op desiring pregnancy to the extent you are willing to chuck in your marriage isn't indicative of good mental health. I wonder if you became overly attached to your self-as-mother, or self-as-pregnant, if you wanted out of your self-as-earner, or self-as-independent. So maybe having a baby made you complete as a person?

Its natural to want to follow your carefully laid plans...its natural to want to repeat an experience that made you feel special and happy. It is unfortunately also natural for real life to screw up your plans and trash your hopes.

Imagine if you had lost your womb during childbirth, you would have grieved the loss of your future children for a while, and be reasonably adapted to the concept of having just the one by now. You would have had the chance to rant and scream and cry at the loss of your future plans.

That isn't what went wrong...it was something else instead. Not necessarily any more easily fixed though.

In summary, if your partner isn't more to you than a possible source of babies, then you have major problems. If you need to morn the loss of your best laid plans, then go right ahead. Have a scream and yell and a cry. Then move on and be stronger for it, because life doesn't often delivery on the promises we make to ourselves, and this won't be the last time you dream future doesn't materialise...

Oce - you've assumed I'm not a mental health 'expert' ...

I am not an expert but I agree with Blue. IMO it's also cruel that he told you. No wonder that you are angry. Do you think you would benefit from your own counselling/support?

I'm wondering what possible reason he has to tell you - on a regular basis no less - that he fantasises about shagging other people and about leaving you.

Seriously, in what context did this come up, and why did he tell you? Did he not think that you might find this slightly hurtful and less than a useful thing to hear?

I suspect that on some level you think another baby can fix him in place, or somehow make up for the ways in which he has hurt you and undermined your trust.

Sorry OP - when you can't agree on a number of DCs, the person who doesn't want them 'wins'. So you can either live with this or not. Your DH may well be a very selfish person, but MH issues can make you be very selfish and not really think about other people's needs/feelings.

It must be very hard for you to accept that you can't have the life you wanted and planned with your DH - it's ok to be sad/angry/disappointed, you are having to grieve for that life you planned and due to no fault of your own, you now can't have.

Don't pin your hopes on the idea he'll change his mind, it could be the illness talking, but it just could be an honest statement that he can't cope with the reality of family life, and the thought of adding more children to a situation he already can't cope with it just too much. I would suggest counselling for youself to come to help let go of the idea of the family you would have with your DH.

It's OK to decide that you don't want to stay with him if this is too much of a deal breaker for you. It's ok to say that actually you have 'must haves' in your life, and at least the possiblity of another child is one for you. Take your time to come to that decision though, it does sound like this is just one disappointment too far for you.

Thanks all - it has been so helpful to read this. It helps give me some clarity. As usual, it's complicated - the cheating stuff is extremely upsetting, but our relationship is in most ways pretty strong and loving, and if it weren't for the baby issue I'm absolutely sure we would get through the other stuff and stay together. It is connected to his MH because he was actually treated in hospital for addiction, not anxiety. His parents were both drug addicts and the doctors felt that though he wasn't addicted to drugs or alcohol, some of his behaviour was addictive, including around sex. (It was private not NHS, paid for by my work health insurance thank god.) He is generally very honest with me about his feelings and there are certainly times when he tells me things I would rather not know. In general though I think I would rather have it this way.

We did try some couples counselling in the summer. It didn't help a huge amount, I think because the guy wasn't that good. He appeared to side with me quite early on, which put off DH, understandably. Then we decided to put the baby issue to bed for a while and just concentrate on his health. It has reemerged in the last couple of days because he announced that it was a definite 'no' (before it was only a probable no).

Those of you who wrote that wanting another DC doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the first one are right, of course. I am overwhelmed with how much I love my DD. I didn't know many kids before so it has taken me by surprise how much I love being her mother. I enjoy my work too, and don't feel that I've lost my previous self in any way, but I do really love this. I really want her to have what I had, which is a big warm family. Of course I need to remember that I'm not going to replicate what I had and there is no guarantee that they would like each other at all!

OP you could always give counselling another go - you might not get an idiot this time around!

I was gobsmacked that he'd been hospitalised for an entire month with anxiety in the NHS, makes much more sense to hear it was private!

Does he have a diagnosis at this point? Anxiety is not a mental illness, it's an emotion like any other that we all experience. There are many different anxiety disorders, both axis 1 and 2. he sounds pretty emotionally dysregulated to me. What addictive behaviours was he struggling with?

Watch the film nil by mouth its about drug and alcohol addiction. If you are going to spend the rest of your life with him you have to understand where he comes from. Get that film Kathy Bates, Ray Winston and Big Mo from eastenders. Being a dad must be scary for him.

I can sympathise, OP, with your desire to give your dd a sibling and I can also see how important it is that your DH is honest with you, I value that above faithfulness, to tell the truth. I was wondering whether your DH's mental health would actually benefit from having another child. I only had one child and that was quite uncomplicated, but one does relive one's childhood while accompanying them through theirs.

Benina, if want another child, why don't you have one?

You can use sperm donation if your DH won't oblige. And it might be better in the long term if his addiction has a genetic element to it as sperm donors are screened for addictions.

Looking at this with a very cold light, 33 isn't that young actually.
If you really want another child I think you should have one, and quickly, whether your DH plays ball or not.

Sounds like your relationship is on its uppers to me. Sorry.
I think you should make an appointment with a fertility clinic and get the ball rolling, folic acid etc, and do IUI with donor sperm.

My brother suffered massive anxiety when his son was born. It was awful to see and my SIL also had a very difficult time because of it. The difference with your situation was that SIL did not want another child, because of DB's MH issues.

DB had counselling, which really helped him. I'm not sure if they had couples counselling.

Fast forward a few years and they now have a second DC.

My advice is to wait, encourage him to continue treatment, and try again with another relationship counsellor. Perhaps also have counselling on your own to work through some of your stuff.

You're only 33, so you do have time on your side. You don't need to make final decisions about this right away.

Was he upfront about his myriad of issues before you got together and had a child?

He was upfront about his history, but he always seemed deceptively together. It took him completely by surprise how he reacted to having a child. Perhaps we should have expected it but it took us both by surprise.

Actually my dad, who had a tough childhood himself (was put in an orphanage by his mum aged 18 months, later retrieved) was the only one who said 'he might find this really hard you know'. But my dad ended up with four kids and said having them was massively healing for him - seeing his own children grow up happy was a way to sort of overwrite the past.

What did he tell you about his history?