DH won't have a second child and I'm desperate

[Benina]

We always thought two children would be a good number, though nothing was set in stone. Now we have DD, 20 months, and it has brought up all sorts of issues from DH's troubled childhood. He got such terrible anxiety about her getting ill that he spent a month as an inpatient being treated for it. That was a few months ago and he is lots better now, but he says he never wants another child in case the same thing happens again.

I just can't bring myself to accept that. I can't stand the idea of never being pregnant again, and watching my fertility tick away every month. I am absolutely desperate for another child. I am also from a big family and have very close relationships with my parents and sisters, and I hate the idea of DD growing up without siblings. I know lots of only children are really happy, and lots of people would be ecstatic just to have one child, and DH's reasons for not wanting another are totally reasonable. But I just can't stand it.

He says if it's that important we should break up and I'll have the chance to meet someone else. I really don't want to because I love him (though I am furious with him at the moment about this) and anyway people you love enough to want children with don't come along every day, and my social life is basically nil because of looking after DD. I've even thought about getting donor sperm. Am I going mad? Will I ever come to terms with the idea of having just one? What would you do?

Thanks all - it's been good to vent this!

OP, I sympathise. But surely you can see that your DH isn't fully well yet, so it wouldn't be a good environment to bring another DC into, even if He wanted it?
Your latest post gives a lot more to the picture, and it sounds very hard for you. Do you think your DH would ask his therapist if it would be appropriate for you to accompany him once, or for you to seek independent counselling to help you clear your head over the issues you both have?

I think you are feeling resentful because you probably realise it would be a very bad idea to have another child with him. Not just his acute anxiety getting triggered again but also the instability of having a relationship with someone who wants to cheat on you almost impulsively. It's an awful position for you to be in, but ultimately you will have to reconcile yourself with this somehow or separate as he suggested.

The update re the affair stuff puts a different spin on things quite frankly.

I understand wanting another child and the urge. Despite the dreadful first year of no sleep and long time to recover etc. I wanted it and luckily so did DH.

However in your case, your relationship doesn't seem particularly great - so why on earth do you want a baby with him?

I think you just want more children. Which is fair enough.

So do you want to be with your DH?

If he's been diagnosed with a personality disorder you may be entitled to some counselling on how to live with him and help him along the way etc.

I think he sounds a bit of a lightweight and I can't empathise with him at all

Am assuming you are referring to his wanting to cheat, and not his anxiety - I would like to think the idea of someone with MH issues being a 'lightwieght' was one that went out with the dinosaurs.

His illness is not an excuse for "trying to cheat" on you, or indeed for telling you his hurtful fantasies.

A second DC with him would clearly be a bad plan. If the chance of having more DC is that important to you, you could leave him.

Hang on. He's 'tried to cheat' and has told you about fantasising about shagging other women??

Ok. What I'm thinking now is that you need to seriously consider if it's worth staying with him. I know he's ill but that doesn't mean you have to give up your entire happiness for him. I thought at least he'd appreciate how hard things are for you - but you say that instead he's been totally disrespecting you.

Don't waste the rest of your fertile years with someone who doesn't deserve that.

Did he try to cheat on you a couple of times. How much understanding and compassion can you show to some one if they treat you like a door mat. Did he want you and your dd?

I would be worried about STD's if he's that careless.

I agree with Pick stop focusing on the subject right now and drop it completely for 12 months until he has fully recovered. Bring it back up then, and assess from there.

It also sounds like he has a lot of work to do mentally and that there's work to be done in your marriage before you even discuss another.

Marriage Counselling?

The whole situation sounds very difficult. My DH's mental health was a big factor in us deciding not to have a third child, and I'm fine with it & happy that it was the best decision for our family.
However, I think it would have affected me far more if we only had one child, and also my DH wanted to talk it through, and acknowledged my feelings about the subject, which made a big difference.
It sounds like there are many issues with your marriage and your husband is not treating you in a loving or considerate way.
Whether that is solely due to his illness is not something I am qualified to judge.
It's admirable that you are supporting your DH but you don't need to sacrifice your own happiness for him.

If possible get pregnant without his consent then leave him.

Are you serious paul?

Benina The gap between me and sister is also small and we have a great relationship, so that is part of it.

Agree with everything else posted (least of all the bit about his attempted affairs/shagging and do you even want to be with him as anything more than a sperm donor?)

But on the specific point noted above, what if you do end up with another child and they clash entirely? (I used to fantasise about killing my sibling!) It could be the complete opposite of your dream life and you have mentioned elsewhere something about being sad about things not panning out as you'd hoped etc. This might just smash the idyllic mental picture entirely. Then what?

I think it's quite normal to get very broody at about this stage after having one. It does pass and you do have time on your side still.

I might leave it a year - decide that's not going to happen right now, and to focus on your toddler and dh for now - and just not raise it at all. In 12 months, revisit how you're feeling. If you're still as desperate for another, or he's still not sorted his head out, then make the decision whether another child is more important or being with him.

My DH said no to a 2nd and I was gutted. I know how you feel, although your DH's MH issues probably give him a good reason. Not so sure about the cheating/running off bit, that sounds mean. I don't think you can excuse all of that with his mH issues but of course I'm no expert. I would say though that when we were having our 'heated debate' about a second, DH said he felt a bit trapped by having a baby and he found it very hard etc (I wasn't very sympathetic to this at the time), so maybe your DH is feeling similar.
Anyway, fastforward and DH softened a bit and DS came along. Bigger age gap than I would have chosen, but its been great. So try and relax and you might find he changes his mind/you decide 1 is OK (loads of good things about that I reckon)/ things don't pan out between you and DH which I really hope doesn't happen.
Good luck - it's a horrible situation.

Flump Put it this way, if having a baby put you at risk of a serious health issue, you may not want to take the risk

If the "serious health issue" was something that was predictable, treatment/support was available, and I could go back to relatively normal afterwards, I'd go for it. Because I really want to have children! So I'm wondering how much he wanted to have children in the first place...

Also wondering if it was NHS or private mental health care he received, if it was NHS he must have been extremely unwell to be admitted to hospital (bed shortages etc).

After the epic dip feed... hmm. "Tried to cheat"? Wtf?

Yes, I'm serious. I realise its really really bad to do it but I still would.

paul - you'd risk your partner's mental health, and by extension your marriage and the security of your existing child?! Wow. You really need to consider your priorities in life.

I'd leave the marriage. I'd ask my husband for nothing. Just walk away with my children.

Well then why wouldn't you just do that anyway and have a child with someone else, rather than essentially steal your existing partner's sperm, break their mental health then leave them?!

Crikey! I thought the early replies you got were ridiculous and unempathetic. As for wanting a new baby because your dd isn't enough - what a load of utter bullshit. HOWEVER, your update makes it clear that your anger with him is about quite a few issues. Forget the baby bit, first and foremost I think you need to think about your marriage.

Erm .. What mental health problem makes your partner try to cheat and tell you he wants to run away and shag loads of women. Certainly not anxiety. That's your bigger problem OP. He sounds like a self entitled knob ...