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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this abuse?

27 replies

OldHag1 · 20/10/2016 11:47

namechanged for obvious reasons. I will try to keep this brief.

Married 15 years with 3 primary aged children.

I was made redundant earlier this year. Claimed 6 months JSA but not allowed to claim anymore due to his earnings.

Relationship is awful. If I speak to him he will flat out ignore me. He won't do anything around the house - he would step over one of the kids toys rather than pick it up. He sits in another room.

He has always been rubbish managing money. He asked me to get lots of things on credit over the years - he said my credit was better than his so I went along with it.

He gives me money each week from nothing to £100 depending on how much he wants to give me or how much he has left over spending on whatever he wants.

I have no say in how much he gives me and if we need anything I can't afford I have to ask him for it.

I have called Relate who advised of the cost involved. I couldn't make an appointment without checking with him to see if he would pay. He said it wasn't worth it. I can't afford to pay. The lady at relate said this was financial abuse/domestic violence.

I feel my hands are tied I can't afford to leave. I can't afford to do anything. I have spent the morning crying because I feel trapped.

OP posts:
doubletrouble41 · 20/10/2016 12:02

I'm sorry you feel so upset. I'm no expert but I didn't want to leave you alone with this. In my view not being listened to and being ignored as you are is a form of emotional abuse. My heart goes out to you. I'm sure you are able to find the strength to do what needs to be done. As the lady at relate seemed to think this was abuse, maybe you could speak to her again and ask her what agencies you could contact that could assist you. Sending you best wishes xxx

EasyToEatTiger · 20/10/2016 12:04

Try Womens' Aid. Any self-respecting marriage guidance will not touch relationships where abuse is involved, unless they are specifically qualified. If your husband is not sharing financial information and deciding every week what he thinks you are worth, then he is abusing you.

Original poster
OldHag1 · 20/10/2016 12:06

Thanks double she gave me numbers for

Respect - 08088024040 (this seems from googling to be for the abuser)

Women's Aid 08082000247

Wikivorce 080044886644

I have listed the details in case someone else needs them.

I am not feeling emotionally strong enough to ring any of the above.

OP posts:
doubletrouble41 · 20/10/2016 12:15

You will feel strong enough at some point, when the time is right. x

Original poster
OldHag1 · 20/10/2016 12:17

Thanks double. I just don't know if this does constitute abuse.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 20/10/2016 14:00

Yes he is abusive. Massively so. Moreover he doesn't actually seem to like you. You really do need some advice urgently. Could you email women's aid if you don't feel up to calling?

Original poster
OldHag1 · 20/10/2016 14:19

Thanks Pinky

I have spoken to CAB and a solicitor who advised she can't help me unless I can prove DA.

Feeling a bit better.

OP posts:
bigbuttons · 20/10/2016 14:21

yes he is abusive.Flowers

Lottapianos · 20/10/2016 14:25

Yes he is abusive and you deserve better. What you described is emotional and financial abuse for sure. It would be a very bad idea to go to counselling with a man like this so it's just as well that Relate didn't work out

Hold onto those phone numbers - you will be ready to use them one day x

lollylou2876 · 20/10/2016 14:37

You'd be better off financially if you were a single parent, which you already are anyway at home, as you are doing everything yourself & him sat in another room sounds like a burdensome lodger - mine turned violento on the end when I started to question and build a life for myself.

I was in the same position, but ended it 2 years ago, he also used to give me anywhere from £30 - £80 when he supposedly could, then acted like he was doing me some sort of favour & expecting me to wait on him hand and foot.

It wasn't a life, it wasn't even existing, as I was living my life entirely for other people, and was slowly drowning, it has been hard rebuilding myself and life but I'm far happier on my own and so are my dcs, as I'm a better more with more to give in every way without a 20 stone man children's hanging off my neck.

Good luck & hugs 💐 x

Original poster
OldHag1 · 20/10/2016 16:54

Thanks everyone.

Lollylou your situation sounds very much like mine.

I was feeling strong enough to ring Relate but ended up a blubbering mess.

I know this is a desision only I can make it's just that it seems huge. He tells me everything is my fault and takes responsibility for nothing.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 20/10/2016 16:59

That's what abusers do - tell you it's all your fault, tell you you've got it wrong, and that you deserve no better. And because you've been living with abusive, head wrecking bullshit for so long, it's hard not to believe it.

Keep sharing on here if it helps. We're listening x

Original poster
OldHag1 · 20/10/2016 18:10

Thanks Lottapianos

To clarify - I was a blubbering mess because I knew I couldn't pay and thought it was the way forward.

He tried to convince me I was lying about money. Repeatedly told me I was lying. I told him to check his messages because the history is all there.

I can't believe I have gotten myself into such a crap situation.

Thank you everyone for listening to me.

Tried to keep a lid on my emotions when picking the kids up only for my eldest to ask me if I was upset as I looked as though I had been crying - epic fail lol

OP posts:
Alibobbob · 20/10/2016 22:50
Flowers
EasyToEatTiger · 20/10/2016 23:52

Please contact WA. They are fantastically kind and helpful. I am currently in the position of either living with a crap husband, going to a councellor to get some help with the abuseHmmShockConfused, or going back to WA to get some support in sorting things out. Only today I showed my elder daughter (12) this www.reshareable.com/girl-boy-school-twanged-bra-followed-gold.html www.reshareable.com/girl-boy-school-twanged-bra-followed-gold.html?h=1. It takes time to untangle and time to decide. Whatever happens next, make it your decision.

Bogeyface · 21/10/2016 00:00

Telling you that you are lying or making shit up or remembering things wrongly is called Gaslighting and it is a known abuse technique. It makes your crazy, it literally leaves you thinking that you are losing your mind "Maybe he didnt mean it the way I thought he did......did I really say that, I am sure I did but..........maybe that didnt happen the way I remember it...." and so on.

Yes, you are being abused. And the solicitor you spoke to sounds beyond crap. What they meant was that you cant get legal aid without incidences of domestic abuse, it doesnt mean that he has to be arrested for beating you. Talking to your doctor about his treatment of you and how it affects your overall wellbeing and your mental health in particular counts, as long as it is logged on your records.

IF you call WA then they will help you get a solicitor that actually knows what they are talking about and has experience in cases such as yours.

Take care, you are worth so much more than this and you have taken the first step in leaving by acknowledging that this isnt how you should be treated.

BlackeyedSusan · 21/10/2016 00:07

go see your gp. explain to them. see what medical help you can get for the stress of it all. (maybe none but it is towards getting proof of da)

Original poster
OldHag1 · 21/10/2016 07:53

Thank you everyone for your advice. I am feeling stronger today but unfortunately one of the kids is off school sick and next week is half term.

Bogey thank you for clarifying x

Bogey I can't leave I have no money and nowhere to go.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2016 07:58

Womens Aid can and will help you here; you need to call them today on 0808 2000 247.

You are married so your legal position is actually good, have you as yet sought out legal advice. You need to divorce this individual before he totally ruins your life as well as your children's childhoods. This is no life for them either.

Original poster
OldHag1 · 21/10/2016 16:34

Thanks Attila I hear what you say and I will do it. I need to take small steps and will call when the kids are in bed or out somewhere.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 21/10/2016 16:56

Attila is right, being married puts you in a much stronger position, as part of the divorce you can get an order that allows you to stay in the house until the children are older. Or it can be sold and you get your share of the equity (often more than half as you have to house the children).

He will have to pay child support and you can claim income support and CTC in your own right. Do you know what he earns?

www.thesalarycalculator.co.uk/
www.entitledto.co.uk/
www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

Original poster
OldHag1 · 21/10/2016 17:16

Can he insist on selling the house?

That really worries me as we will be much worse off.

OP posts:
Original poster
OldHag1 · 21/10/2016 22:36

Anyone?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 21/10/2016 22:47

He can apply to the court for it to be sold, if you dont agree in the financial arrangements part of the divorce, but it will only be done if both of you can be housed adequately afterwards. You can apply for an order whereby you and the kids stay in the house, but he retains a claim on it, until the youngest child is 18 (or othercondditions such as you remarrying/cohabiting) and then it will be sold and the equity split.

Do you have any equity in the house?

Original poster
OldHag1 · 22/10/2016 07:28

Hi Bogey

If there is I don't think it will be much. £10,000 at the most.

OP posts:
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