At A Complete Loss This Morning, How do I Help Him?

[SlimbobJones]

I'll start by saying DP is a completely awesome guy who I love to pieces, he's funny, kind, thoughtful and a total star all round! We have been together 8 and a half years, bought a house 2 years ago and have been engaged for 2 months and (although it's apparently unbelievable) we've never once had a proper argument, don't bicker and generally rub along nicely together. We have no children but want children after we get married in 2018.

DP turned 28 a few days ago and since then, he's been a bit down and generally out of sorts which is very much not like him. I've asked, he's said there's nothing wrong that he can think of but last night when he came up to give me a cuddle before bed, he admitted he's feeling "unfulfilled".

It seems to revolve around his job, it's easier for me to bullet point the next bit so apologies if it seems cold, I don't want to drip feed:

DP has a degree in Modern Music
He's worked as a waiter in a restaurant for 8 years
I pay all the household bills and the Mortgage, he pays for our food.
The deposit for the house was my money only
He earns about £10k a year, I earn £26k. We live in the Midlands.
He's a musician, a very good performer and gigs in local pubs and has a weddings functions band. Music was always his passion.
He hates his job and makes occasional efforts to find a new one in a different field, but his CV is waiter work for 8 years with no progression so he hasnt heard back from any of them.
He's very very risk averse and has a "comfort zone" he doesn't like to venture out of. He doesnt actively seek change ever.
He can't drive.

He's naturally not a motivated person, this has never bothered me before but now he's clearly unhappy and I just don't know what to do? I hate the thought that he's in any way unhappy with his life, and I find it frustrating that he doesn't seem to come up with or act on any solutions? How do I tackle this?

Help :(

This sounds very familiar to me...DP a musician who works(ed) as a courier 6 days a week, and moaned about it every day. 3/4 weeks ago we spoke it through and he resigned from the courier job the next day to concentrate on music, his passion. Since then he has secured 2 jobs in separate bands which alone will generate more than the courier job til end of the year...an existing music commitment had just sold out a huge show in Dec (£1.5k for that one alone) and he's started recording his solo album. Best advice I can offer up is support him while being realistic-we did a full finance review to really know the practicalities of pursuing his passion...fingers crossed it continues to pay off

DonkeysDontRideBicycles thank you :)

I grew up in a household with 2 adults who fought daily and could sulk for WEEKS. My Dad was particularly bad and when Mum would go for a cuddle with him after an argument, he'd push her away for a good 3 or 4 days. I saw all of this. Everything was tit for tat and love was always conditional on good grades/ towing the line etc etc, so it made me very very afraid of rocking the boat.

I'm getting over that now and I'm able to discuss difficult things with DP, but I still get afraid every time that he's going to bugger off with a woman who's much less hard work . This is completely irrational and DP has NEVER given me a reason to think this way.

hellsbellsmelons it's probably more than £10k a year due to working extra shifts but that's what he's contracted on.

OP, I remember your other thread about starting a family with him.

You did present the facts a bit differently there and you got a lot of "He'll be an awesome SAHD - go for it" responses based on what you posted. I posted on the thread saying that you attribute all his positive qualities to him alone and all his negative things as the fault of others. You got pretty shirty with me; that's why I remember it.

You live in a rural area but he won't drive or move to near where you work (where there are more opportunities for work for him). You do all his job applications for him. But he does warm your pyjamas on the radiator.

What happened to the trying for a family?

Kidnapped I took the advice on the previous thread and we're holding off until after we get married.

I don't remember getting shirty with you but if I did I apologize!

I don't do all his job applications for him, he's dyslexic so I help him with his writing, don't twist that please.

We live in a rural location yes and as mentioned, we're making progress on the driving! I think he doesnt want to move BECAUSE he can't drive so he'd get very isolated, I can understand that.

I still get my pyjamas heated on the radiator, he's started putting my socks on there too if it's cold

Which facts have I presented differently? That's not meant to read in a goady way, I was in the grips of some pretty serious anxiety a few months back and was settling in on fluoxitine, I might go and re-read that thread to see how my view on the situation has changed?

Apology accepted. Wasn't that bad. Had worse on here

I think it must have been in Chat, so will be long gone. I did search for it.

You said he'd always wanted to have children young, always wanted to be a SAHD, never wanted a career, was learning to drive.

And the consensus of the thread was to start trying immediately. You said you would.

Surely if he moved to a city, he wouldn't need to drive? And he'd be less isolated because he could use public transport.

Oh, and the music scene would be much bigger in a city surely? So more opportunities there.

And if the music thing doesn't work out then he could get other jobs more easily in a city. You don't have to do the inner city thing, you could get a nice place in the suburbs.

Anyway, what do you want to do? Lots of what he wants, what he doesn't want, what he thinks.

Ideally, would you like to move closer to work?

Sorry will stop now. No wonder you got shirty last time.

My ex retired recently and I honestly believe that apart from the opportunity to meet other women, he didn't enjoy any of his working life.

What a waste of time. I was with him from 17, like you, and all I had for decades was moaning about work. The salary he got was OK, but it didn't make up for the depression I felt when he complained about it. Like your boyfriend, he could do something different - he had every opportunity to change career and I earned the same as he did and could support him, but no, he preferred to stay in the same job and moan about it. It was very depressing.

Your boyfriend sounds more like a teenage son, moaning about things then not doing anything about it himself. My ex was like that, where I was forever running round looking for new careers for him while he rejected them all.

My advice would be not to marry until he's in a job he loves. You might not mind it now but you really would mind it when you're older. Also, waiting on isn't really a job for life, is it? How many middle aged waiters do you see?

My son has a degree in music and is starting a career using his skills. There are tons of opportunities, but he'd have to find them for himself.

It might help if you look up Transactional Analysis which is useful when trying to deal with someone who reverts to parent-child relationships when you're trying to have an adult-adult relationship.

You said he'd always wanted to have children young, always wanted to be a SAHD, never wanted a career, was learning to drive.

This is all still true, he would dearly love to be a SAHD. I had my implant out a couple of months ago ready to start trying and in the same week I got a promotion at work Talk about woo shit but it really was like a sign.

I told him I wanted to wait now until after the wedding so I can get settled properly in my new job. He agreed that would be a good idea and actually now I think about it, that was when he started really hating his job again. The restaurant has changed hands since then and his new bosses aren't nice, I don't think that's helping :(

I love where we live, we are in a beautiful location that has rock bottom house prices but gorgeous views and countryside but town is only a 10 min walk away. Do you remember on the last thread I told you his Mum and Dad really pushed for us to stay local so we bought the house in the same town? His mum and dad are now buggering off to live abroad! ... that's a whoooole other thread

I'd like to live closer to work in the future especially when we have children, he knows that and now his Mum and Dad are moving and he's learning to drive, he's more open to it thankfully. We cant do anything until I inherit anyway so we're staying put for now.

In terms of the music scene: We're in between Manchester and Birmingham in a town with a very large live music scene and the rest of his band also live here which makes it practical while he doesn't drive. I notice how much of this is coming down to him driving.... huh.

ImperialBlether I use transnational analysis a lot at work, he doesn't take the child role and is probably more adult than I am. If anything, I slip into child much more often than he does because I have to be so Adult at work, so he quite often takes on parent with me. Odd, i know given our circumstances!

Yikes, toxic upbringing. I know what that's like. It leaves lasting relationship scars on the children, people like you and me

You may well have a tendency to rescue others from themsleves. Probably a tendency to feel responsible for other peoples emotions. It does sound awfully like it from your posts.

You seem to be taking on the role of being your DP's manager or life coach. That's not good in the long term. You are already his "superior" as it comes across in your posts, although I am sure it is entirely subconscious on your part and you do not want that kind of relationship.

I might be on the wrong track here but I do think you need to work on your own tendency to manage another adult, who is supposed to be your equal. I have similar tendencies, it is common in sensible people who have survived toxic families.

I ask myself "Would I expect him to do this for me?" So, booking his driving lessons, no, I can do that myself, in fact, I need to do it myself to get the right time, instructor etc. Researching my job options for me, same, I wouldn't expect my DH to do that and would be peeved if he did. Same for CV help beyond proof reading and a few comments (my DH is dyslexic too).

I also ask myself "Am I being a martyr?" and "Have I expressed my disquiet to the other person?"

Housework. If a man came on here and said "oh but the missus does all because she is so much better than me at it", he'd get his arse handed to him on a plate! Feels like you are over compensating to prove that you are not your mother. I know the feeling all too well! My DH does his fair share, which is way more than many DHs, but I do my share too.

I spent much of my twenties trying desperately to avoid becoming my mother. Then one day I woke up and realised I was turning into my father. I started checking that just as carefully and turned into neither.

X-post. You being like a child at home, smacks of you becoming the entitled husband and him becoming your housewife ruling the home. That's not healthy either. It takes two adults to have an adult relationship. Anything else dries up the sex parts and breeds resentment.

RunRabbitRunRabbit haaa a lot of that is bang on, I do "manage" him and catch myself doing it regularly. I do stop myself when I can though.

He doesn't do the housework because he's better at it, he does it because he's at home more and I'm not. He does the majority during the week, I run the vac round, dust, cook and clean at the weekend because he works Saturdays. He has 1 day off a week and then Sundays off, but he works short shifts Monday - Thursday so it only at work 11-4. He cleans in the morning and cooks when he gets home so it's ready for when I get in and we can eat together. I leave the house at 6:30am and get back at 6pm, usually completely shattered at the moment due to a recent promotion.

RunRabbitRunRabbit I think you're looking for issues that aren't there to be honest. 90% of the time we are adult-adult, I tend to slip into child when I'm tired or low but since we dont argue it's never really an issue.

I actually think that it is good that he feels unfulfilled and he has told you about it. It is progress.

The next step is for him to formulate a plan to do something about it. And it needs to come from him. Whether it is dog walking/running a café/doing teacher training/giving private music lessons/whatever.

Don't pin everything on the driving thing; he may genuinely find it too traumatic given what has happened in the past. However, he needs to take control of other aspects of his life.

Good luck with it.

I learned a useful tip many years ago.

When having this sort of discussion and the other person is negative or apathetic about all suggestions ( teaching, electrician etc) just ask, 'So what would work?'

It forces them to consider taking a positive attitude. TBH I find this sort of negativity really draining and I had a lot of success using this technique.

I hope you are right slim and everything will be OK when he learns to drive.

Keep in mind though that it is quite normal for people to grow apart in early adulthood. I have lots of mates who split up with their uni partner in their mid twenties as it became obvious that they moved at different speeds and had incompatible approaches to life. If that turns out to be true for you two, it doesn't mean either of you is bad or that the time you spent together was wrong. What was right for you in a relationship at 21 might not be right at 28 and there's nothing wrong with that.