At A Complete Loss This Morning, How do I Help Him?

[SlimbobJones]

I'll start by saying DP is a completely awesome guy who I love to pieces, he's funny, kind, thoughtful and a total star all round! We have been together 8 and a half years, bought a house 2 years ago and have been engaged for 2 months and (although it's apparently unbelievable) we've never once had a proper argument, don't bicker and generally rub along nicely together. We have no children but want children after we get married in 2018.

DP turned 28 a few days ago and since then, he's been a bit down and generally out of sorts which is very much not like him. I've asked, he's said there's nothing wrong that he can think of but last night when he came up to give me a cuddle before bed, he admitted he's feeling "unfulfilled".

It seems to revolve around his job, it's easier for me to bullet point the next bit so apologies if it seems cold, I don't want to drip feed:

DP has a degree in Modern Music
He's worked as a waiter in a restaurant for 8 years
I pay all the household bills and the Mortgage, he pays for our food.
The deposit for the house was my money only
He earns about £10k a year, I earn £26k. We live in the Midlands.
He's a musician, a very good performer and gigs in local pubs and has a weddings functions band. Music was always his passion.
He hates his job and makes occasional efforts to find a new one in a different field, but his CV is waiter work for 8 years with no progression so he hasnt heard back from any of them.
He's very very risk averse and has a "comfort zone" he doesn't like to venture out of. He doesnt actively seek change ever.
He can't drive.

He's naturally not a motivated person, this has never bothered me before but now he's clearly unhappy and I just don't know what to do? I hate the thought that he's in any way unhappy with his life, and I find it frustrating that he doesn't seem to come up with or act on any solutions? How do I tackle this?

Help :(

I think the driving license is a good short time goal and will probably help him in finding work. I would book him a 20 hours course (with his prior agreement) and then remind him it cost you an arm and a leg if he skips lessons, lol. You are a team, you need to help each other.
My DH really wanted to get a PhD but was deflated after some test results weren't as good as he expected. I had to go by myself to the post office to post his application just minute before the post office closed on the last day of the deadline! He has now completed his PhD at Oxford Uni, all his own hard work but he needed that little nudge.
Look up self efficacy, it is different from self esteem, it's the belief that you can accomplish a task. Could he have low self efficacy?
In any case, you can try to help him breaking it down in small steps and each little victory along the line gives him more confidence. Otherwise it is quite daunting.

Short term not time

I think the not driving is illuminating, also the fact that you are thinking of booking some lessons FOR him.

You are doing most of the financial support.

I think you are in a bit of a provider/dependent relationship.

I have a tendency to be a little like this not least as my parents have that dynamic going on - my mother in many ways was very adult but had quite a dependent "oh help me I can't do it" relationship with my dad too.

My DH tends to say - if you want this, you sort it out. I didn't start driving till my 30s. He said - I hate driving all the time, why should I be the only adult. Its not down to me to sort this out - its your stuff. Get on to it! Sounds harsh written down but I think it was necessary or I would have stayed expecting to be ferried about everywhere by my partner (and also the adult part of me would be grumpy and resentful about that dynamic!)

SlowTrain I was 17 when we met and he was 19. We were long distance while we were both at different Uni's for the first 5 years or so.

I don't resent anything we've done together or that he hasn't contributed financially, I couldnt care less about that. The bit I struggle with is the seemingly endless "I'm unhappy at work/ unfulfilled" but then no effort to change his circumstances.

I can't be happy in my life if he's not happy in his, we are a partnership and I'm worried that unless I start managing his future for him, it's never going to change. I don't mind that, I'm happy how things are but He's not and THAT'S what gets to me, does that make any sense?

Bumpsadaisie we do have a dynamic like that but for all the practical stuff like house stuff, I am completely reliant on him.

The idea of just turning to him and saying "it's your problem, deal with it" makes me feel a bit twitchy, I don't know why. I know he's an adult and should be able to cope with that but I think he'd feel like I was kicking him while he was down iyswim?

Twitchy about saying it brutally like "it's your problem, deal with it" or twitchy about reminding him that he is the only one who can sort out his problems?

By the sounds of it he has considered and rejected lots of options.

Did he actually think up those options himself or did they come from you then get knocked down by him?

Twitchy about the bluntness. I've said a few times (including last night) that it has to come from him, he agrees but then nothing happens.

All whining, no action. Oh dear, that must be incredibly wearing for you.

I'd be as frustrated as hell.

Have you considered showing your frustration?

"Why do you keep moaning about this all the time? You keep saying stuff like this but you can't be that bothered by it can you? Or you'd have done something about it by now."

Bottling it up to save him from facing his own problems will ultimately hurt you both and breed resentment.

Absolutely stop offering any advice or chivvying along. Do not be the cheerleader or careers advisor. He is an adult. He has a degree. He can work it out, if he cares. "Oh poor you, what are you going to do?" "Oh that's a shame" "God, that's shit, how long are you going to continue like this?"

Has he ever lived independently?

RunRabbitRunRabbit I havent ever let my frustration show no, I don't see what that would achieve other than to make me feel better and I'd rather do something more constructive.

He lived independently at Uni but then moved home after until I finished Uni. When I finished I saved like mad for a year by moving in with his parents and him and then bought our house the year after that.

I have a favourite saying "do something about it or lose your right to complain" - it is exhausting listening to endless moaning about a situation that on the person moaning has the power to change!

Letting your frustration show might be constructive in the long run, a bit of tough love could be exactly what is needed in this situation.

'll start by saying DP is a completely awesome guy who I love to pieces, he's funny, kind, thoughtful and a total star all round! We have been together 8 and a half years, bought a house 2 years ago and have been engaged for 2 months and (although it's apparently unbelievable) we've never once had a proper argument, don't bicker and generally rub along nicely together.

This is lovely and I am sure your DP is a nice guy and that you have a good future together.

But from your later posts you do seem reluctant to own the other side, that he is actually quite infuriating (as well as being a nice guy) and despite multiple talks about it he has refused to do anything. You also say there is no point "getting tough" - and I get the feeling you generally try to avoid conflict as you don't see a "purpose" for it.

But conflict is important, it brings change. You can express anger and frustration without being abusive and ranting and raging. Perhaps this whole passive stagnation thing is your DP trying to get some kind of response out of you that is a more complete reflection of your true feelings (anger, frustration, irritation) that can be the catalyst that he needs.

It's lovely that you have never argued but not so great if this is because you are unable to be in touch with conflict or negative feelings and/or unable to express them. If those things are unexpressed or no-go areas then they will appear in other guises and in other dynamics (like this one we are talking about here).

I am sure your DH has many finer points but you do from the paragraph above seem out of touch with the negatives (he actually sounds like pretty hard work). My hunch is that if you could have more emotional authenticity in the relationship, some of these problems might get sorted, as they are a vehicle for the expression of aggressive negative feelings that can't otherwise be spoken about.

Its like you and he are locked in a little dance, and the rhythm and moves suit you both for various reasons. He is passive and dependent, you try to take an adult role. It serves a purpose and feels a comfortable way of relating for him but ultimately it is also damaging and you could have a much better and more authentic relationship and live fuller lives if you could break free of it and start relating in a more adult-adult way.

I think you need to get this thing sorted out before you have a child. If he is used to relating to you as a dependent it will be difficult for the family to adjust to having a real life dependent.

Hi SlimBob

This may be totally off the wall but last year we went to a wedding which had a crew of "waiters" who stopped in the middle of the meal and turned into a musical troupe. They performed during the wedding breakfast and then again in the evening.

If there's a similar outfit in your area this could combine both your partner's skills.

In your shoes there's no way I'd marry him! no financial advantage on your side!

Nor would I want my partner to be a SAHP while I worried about earning money, and risk not having at least 50/50 time with DC and having to pay spousal maintenance in the event of a breakup.

A "type" like this might well find parenthood challenging too.

Dozer It's a good job I'm not marrying him for financial advantage really then isnt it?

Bumpsadaisie your post was really helpful, thank you and I identify a lot with a lot of what you said.

We had a talk last night and I expressed that I'm getting frustrated in his lack of effort to change his stars, and also that I'm struggling to cope with him hating parts of his life I have no control over, when the solutions are so simple.

I got quite upset because I hate confrontation (grew up in a volatile household) and I think I scared him shitless because half an hour later he came into the living room with a driving instructor booked for next Tuesday

We're not planning anything else like looking for jobs or anything, just focusing on him passing his driving test over the next 6 months and we'll deal with the rest later. This feels more manageable to him I think.

He's a lot more scared of driving than I realized. He was run over when he was a kid and he's terrified of hurting someone with a car. I've said the driving instructor has pedals and can stop the car for him, so he's got no reason to be nervous and needs to just take a leap of faith. He got quite teary at that which was a bit of a surprise.

Bah, hopefully once he can drive he'll get his independence and feel more "adult"

Marriage is, along with many other things, a legal contract with asset splitting.

I'm as romantic as the next person but know several people (both sexes) who married low earners who they financially supported for years, then shared their assets/funds with upon divorce, and/or don't have much time with their DC.

Dozer he can all the money he wants, it's the last thing I'd care about if we ever split.

he can all the money he wants, it's the last thing I'd care about if we ever split
This is not a good attitude at all.
As he sounds like a lazy so and so if he takes half of everything then you'll have nothing for your DC.
You know full well he won't be saving or spending YOUR money wisely.
So you'll be writing off your DC inheritance, in effect!
You need to protect yourself and any future kids.
Imagine if you have to give him half of everything (or more if he is resident carer) and you don't have enough to start again.
You'll be back to square one.
Don't do it to yourself and any future DC!

Slimbob

Glad it was helpful. It sounds like you have had an authentic engagement with him about this and you got down to some nitty gritty.

It sounds like it was quite upsetting for you, but you might find the more you have tussles like this the safer it feels for you both and you will realise you can do it without the relationship being irreparably damaged - i.e. you "get used" to arguing. I remember the first big argument I had with my DH, it was scary, I wondered if it would be all over etc etc. Nowadays we have had so many arguments I know it will all be OK in the end, that we will say sorry, go on, and be stronger for it.

It would be good to practice before you have children - because although children do bring huge great joy, pride and a shared connection, they also increase the potential for conflict, tension, resentment and rage between their parents by about 500%!

Especially in the early days when you are both exhausted and run ragged, the primary caregiver is focussed on the children and feels all that is on their shoulders, the secondary caregiver has to adjust to being low-priority (at least for a while) and feeling like their job is to just to provide, provide, provide and the children don't love or need them as much as the primary caregiver. The couple has to evolve into a family. It's a brilliant journey but there are lots of hazards on the way!

Dozer he can all the money he wants, it's the last thing I'd care about if we ever split.

But it wouldn't be, if you had two small children to provide for on your own. You can't imagine as you aren't in that place yet.

I am glad you spoke up and found that there was no hostility.
I hate confrontation (grew up in a volatile household)

It is one thing not knowing how to approach an issue, it is another to avoid addressing something awkward with our loved ones altogether. Perhaps you secretly worry,
"If I challenge DP, things will automatically sour between us".
“If I confront DP, maybe he won’t like me anymore".

Clearing the air is healthy, looking to achieve a win-win result for you both isn't being manipulative or selfish. You're not asking DP to stop dreaming, but to start doing something different to achieve his goal.

Bumpsadaisie thanks, we do avoid conflict if we can, but do have in depth discussions quite often so we are able to talk about stuff, it's just scary to point the finger at him and say "this is your problem" if that makes sense?

hellsbellsmelons the man works about 25 hours a week, does most of the washing, ironing, cooking and cleaning, dog walking and DIY. He usually gigs once or twice a week which requires a weekly band practice, sometimes twice a week. On what planet is he at all lazy??

You know full well he won't be saving or spending YOUR money wisely.

I actually think this^ is a much worse attitude than mine. At no point have I said he doesn't save, or spends money frivolously. He does save by the way by saving his gig money and he's pretty bloody good with money overall. Only man I know who can feed 2 adults for £20 a week and do a home cooked balanced meal from scratch every night for that!

I think you're projecting horribly...

And £10K a year means he works very few hours?
Or is he not getting minimum wage?

I feel for him OP, I think people are being a little harsh.

It's really, really difficult when you keep getting knocked back to keep plugging away at applying for jobs, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy; you apply, get KB'd, repeat x 10, then you start to feel there's no point in applying, and obviously nothing changes, and you feel more down on yourself as you realise how stuck you are and you can't see a way out because even when you apply for stuff you get nowhere. And the longer it goes on, the worse it gets.

Driving lessons are a good start. He might need to make his instructor aware of his worries about what happened when he was young though.