Never Been In a Relationship

[avietmal]

Mums, countrywomen, lend me your thoughts,

I am a 30 year old male and I am posting this query here as I would like to hear womens' thoughts.

A few things about myself:

• I have never had a relationship, unless you count when I was an infant
• I have never asked a girl out
• I am 30 years old and live at home with my father

That is one side of the coin. The other is:

• I am in the top 0.1% of earners in my age bracket
• I am in the top 1% for IQ
• According to a photograph rating website I was in the top 3 or so percent for physical appearance and although I've rarely been to lively night venues, if I do go to them, I get hit on and I have been propositioned for sex about ten times in my life
• I exercise five times a week and am in good physical shape

There is one thing I don't have though and this appears to be one of the most important things women look for these days: confidence with women or 'game'. And the later is not something I want to have. I can tell that when speaking to some women that they see me as inconsequential because I am not an alpha or assertive etc. Any of my other qualities are irrelevant.

In July I signed up to an internet dating website as it seems like the only way I am likely to find someone; and a friend sold it to me that you can find people who are more compatible this way. I got a lot of profile views, but probably due to my profile, which would not be attractive to a lot of women due to my personality type and interests, I didn't get many messages. Of the messages I got that I replied to, only one replied back. And we had so much in common (and there are not many people who would) and had some great, lengthy conversations. We agreed to meet and it went well, though towards the end I thought I sensed she was not interested, but it could easily have been her nerves. We exchanged a few more messages after and everything seemed good, but then there was nothing for three weeks. I got a message after three weeks saying "sorry I have problems at the moment, I will email you when I can." But I sensed this may have just been an attempt to give me a very soft brush off. Ten weeks later, I've not heard from her.

I'm very busy with work and don't have the time to throw away looking for first dates that will go nowhere.

In short I'm of zero interest to women who are looking for exuberance, fast times etc. I can be exciting and funny, but I tend to need to get to know people before I show those sides of myself. I am a stable guy, a gentleman, the type of guy that girls complain don't exist ... because we are not also alphas.

I am looking for a woman who is also stable and looking for wholesome, real characteristics and to raise a strong family with bright children. From what I have said above, what signs do you think I should be looking for in a woman?

I think he's made some fairly unpleasant comments about women himself actually. Irritation is a more than reasonable reaction to that

First of all I'd like to give you a big hug, reading this made me, rightly or wrongly, feel sad and my sense was that you did not get the emotional nurturing you needed growing up and have created big walls that perhaps you are even struggling to get through now. You are still young and if you want to build a relationship it is likely that you need to put in time with others and also time into your own emotional development, take risks, be vulnerable, warm your heart and cool your brain. Believe me most women do not want to play a game when it comes to affairs of the heart. Did you ever try to contact that person you had a date with again? You ask what signs you should look for ............ I don't know, but what I do believe is that it is something created between two people, a spark, an energy, a recognition of most people's need for attention from others and to each other and recognition which at its core is that we exist and are here. Reading your post you seem to live your life wholly in a rational world ............ dip your toe perhaps slowly at first into the chaos and beauty of the emotional one. By the way the fact that you have made this post is a pretty brave dip! Hope you find what you need with someone who needs you too.

I'd suggest you give the "first dates that go nowhere" a try so you can get used to socialising without any pressure. You might be ruling out great potential partners without giving them a chance to get to know you and vice versa.
Stop rating yourself based on statistics, let go of the "alpha" and "game" concepts. I don't know of any women at all who would be interested in this.
Do you have any friends you could ask for honest advice?
You come across as being somewhat brittle and competitive, I would think you sounded like hard work.
But kudos to you for asking for help and I hope you can take onboard some of the feedback here.
There isn't a perfect soulmate just waiting for an algorithm to match her to you. There are tons of women out there who might value you for your personality and kindness, not your CV. Live a little.

OP - "I'm very busy with work and don't have the time to throw away looking for first dates that will go nowhere."

And how do you expect to find the time to sustain a relationship.

I'm glad you are in the top 0.1% of earners for your age - perhaps you should invest in trying to improve your emotional intelligence via a life coach or perhaps at the very least get a professional dating profile writer (they do exist) to help you. Then in view of your complete inexperience with even asking a lady out perhaps you should consider going to a reputable dating agency because your time constraints and financial situation.

I am surprised you are quoting you high IQ as being so important on your CV as IQ is a very restricted concept and does not measure broader levels of concepts of intelligence and does not account for creativity, social intelligence and neglects other important areas of mental ability. Sadly your post seems to demonstrate that perfectly. I suggest you go back and analyse your post in the light of the comments you have received.

I am intrigued as to why you came to MN - seems an odd choice in your position.

I take it the opening line of your post was meant to be a light hearted reference to Shakespeare's Julius Cesar. It may be prophetic when you consider it continues “I come to bury Caesar, not praise him”. I suspect you will get scant praise here and you may well be buried. You come across as incredibly pompous and in certain areas disdainful and unpleasant - but I’ll put that down to your apparent lack of social intelligence. In fact I find your desire to raise ‘bright children’ bordering on offensive. Decent parents seek to raise their children with love and care and nurture them to be decent, honest and honourable, etcetera, no matter where they might be on the ‘bright’ scale, so that they are equipped with a firm foundation to make the best of whatever path they choose in life. Parents who seek only to have 'bright' children tend to be horrible failures in my experience.

You have come across as, possibly unwittingly, misogynist. Game, alpha and 'women say they want'? Urggg.

My DH is a good looking nerd. We talked about Machiavelli and Flatland the night we met. Nerd central. But he treated me as a person, not a microcosm of 'female species' that needed to be gamed or played.

My advice: get some female friends, hobbies and interests. Talk to lots of women and get really interested. Find out that women are all different and that they all like different things. Then maybe try dating. But not until you have got rid of your odd feelings about women.

Wow. It sounds like you want everyone to fit round you. That's not how relationships work. Women want to feel loved and wanted not second best to someone's career.

In short I'm of zero interest to women who are looking for exuberance, fast times etc. I can be exciting and funny,

Does any woman get a chance to find out that you are exuberant, exciting and funny? You say you don't want to waste your time on first dates that will go nowhere. If you don't give anyone a chance to find out how brilliant you are, how are they going to find out how brilliant you are?

Move out from your dad's.

Get back on the online dating, and cast your net far and wide. Go on as many dates as you can until you get a little confidence.

Get some hobbies and interests.

Im a "beta" male in your terminology, and frankly its all crap. Just get out there, keep at it and gain some experience. Even an ugly, not particularly social guy like me manages to get enough dates to keep myself occupied. And guess what? I've been dating the last one for a few months now, no "game" required.

Why has the OP not been back?

Because it wasn't a genuine poster
Because he felt vulnerable after being criticised harshly
Because he had no intention of returning and has some 'funny ideas' about women and relationships and wanted to see if the responses proved him right or not

That's what I concluded last night.

Maybe he's been scared off by some of the responses Maybe he came to MN seeking brutal honesty.

OP, I think you've been given a bit of a heard time on here, which is related to your posting style which as others have said comes across as quite condescending. If you are able to read over these posts, harsh though they may appear, you will find some constructive feedback inside. I would recommend you do the following:

1. Read over your post and try to analyse what about your posting style has caused people to react negatively
2. Reflect on how you could change this, use the thread for suggestions
3. Reflect on whether your real life interactions also have a tendency to get people's backs up at times and consider whether it is worth thinking of changing that
4. Return to the thread if possible and engage with posters, give your feedback on the advice and give your point of view.
5. Consider using some of your large salary to rent your own place, this will be more attractive to a potential gf

Good luck!

What if you don't have bright children? You can't send them back.
Love is accepting someone unconditionally, just as they are. Human beings don't come with a specification and a handbook.

Do you have any female friends, OP? Women are just as human as men, funnily enough...