Never Been In a Relationship

[avietmal]

Mums, countrywomen, lend me your thoughts,

I am a 30 year old male and I am posting this query here as I would like to hear womens' thoughts.

A few things about myself:

• I have never had a relationship, unless you count when I was an infant
• I have never asked a girl out
• I am 30 years old and live at home with my father

That is one side of the coin. The other is:

• I am in the top 0.1% of earners in my age bracket
• I am in the top 1% for IQ
• According to a photograph rating website I was in the top 3 or so percent for physical appearance and although I've rarely been to lively night venues, if I do go to them, I get hit on and I have been propositioned for sex about ten times in my life
• I exercise five times a week and am in good physical shape

There is one thing I don't have though and this appears to be one of the most important things women look for these days: confidence with women or 'game'. And the later is not something I want to have. I can tell that when speaking to some women that they see me as inconsequential because I am not an alpha or assertive etc. Any of my other qualities are irrelevant.

In July I signed up to an internet dating website as it seems like the only way I am likely to find someone; and a friend sold it to me that you can find people who are more compatible this way. I got a lot of profile views, but probably due to my profile, which would not be attractive to a lot of women due to my personality type and interests, I didn't get many messages. Of the messages I got that I replied to, only one replied back. And we had so much in common (and there are not many people who would) and had some great, lengthy conversations. We agreed to meet and it went well, though towards the end I thought I sensed she was not interested, but it could easily have been her nerves. We exchanged a few more messages after and everything seemed good, but then there was nothing for three weeks. I got a message after three weeks saying "sorry I have problems at the moment, I will email you when I can." But I sensed this may have just been an attempt to give me a very soft brush off. Ten weeks later, I've not heard from her.

I'm very busy with work and don't have the time to throw away looking for first dates that will go nowhere.

In short I'm of zero interest to women who are looking for exuberance, fast times etc. I can be exciting and funny, but I tend to need to get to know people before I show those sides of myself. I am a stable guy, a gentleman, the type of guy that girls complain don't exist ... because we are not also alphas.

I am looking for a woman who is also stable and looking for wholesome, real characteristics and to raise a strong family with bright children. From what I have said above, what signs do you think I should be looking for in a woman?

Hmmmmmm

The first line of your OP says a lot about you I'm afraid. It's cringy.

You say you didn't get many messages. You mention that you replied to a few but you don't say whether you ever sent the first message. You also say you've never asked a girl out. My impression is that you just wait for women to approach you. Perhaps you're nervous to put yourself on the line or perhaps you believe that with your good looks, well paid job and high IQ, women ought to approach you and you shouldn't need to initiate. There's not being madly assertive and then there's not making any effort. My partner isn't assertive but he did all the running to get me.
Put yourself on the line and don't approach women as 'the enemy' to whom you must prove your superiority -"better than 99% of people in this department, better than 97% in that one..." Just have a laugh and find out about them. You say you haven't time to go on first dates that won't go anywhere. Unfortunately, that's the risk you take when dating. A good relationship won't just fall into your lap. I apologise if I've got the wrong impression of you -though with an IQ of 155, I surely can't be wrong...
Also be aware that if you have your first relationship at 30, you'll be hitting milestones (first holiday, meeting parents, moving in and sorting out which possessions stay and go when you merge) that many other people have hit years earlier. It's all going to take effort and compromise. Basically you need to be prepared for the dead ends and be more proactive.

What a weird thing to post on Mumsnet. Were you hoping that some hot-but-desperate single mother would jump on your dick at the merest modest mention of your IQ/salary/looks?

I know "get a hobby" sounds like the shittest advice imaginable, but it really does sound like you need to spend some serious time with actual humans, learn how they work, talk, and the things they like to do. Then try and duplicate that, in social situations, with people of the opposite sex.

P.S. there's no such thing as 'alpha males', get as far away from Reddit as you can!

Supposing your future children are not "bright"? Do you have a contingency plan for that?

Maybe he does not intend to have sprogs.?

I'm going to be generous here and assume that the more pompous sounding bits of your OP are because this might be an awkward medium for you. I do care about my partner being intelligent, fit, ambitious (often translates to high earning) and attractive, so I'm not going to jump on you for mentioning those things.

A couple of things, however, do jump out at me from your post:

1. the above is ALL you tell us about yourself. What do you care about, how do you spend your time, do you live somewhere urban or in the sticks? I get why someone might be interested in going out for dinner with you but I have no sense of why they'd want a second date. You don't need to sell yourself to us here but I wonder if your dating profile reads the same way.

2. the living at home with your Dad thing - you're a high earning 30 year old. You don't need to tell us why you live there if it's sensitive, but it is unusual and it would give me pause about going out with you.

3. you don't tell us about what your friends (male or female) think. Ask them. Tell them to be brutal.

4. the major one: you've never asked a girl out? Then how do you expect them to know that you want them to go out with you? During my periods of dating I've been asked out in a wide variety of places - think much wider than clubs and bars - and if it's done in a happy, respectful way even if you're turned down there's no foul. Likewise, you need to start making the first move if you're online dating. If you want to find someone, you need to MASSIVELY up your numbers and therefore your odds. If you don't have time to date to find the right person, you don't have time to devote to a new relationship either.

Undo your top button, start making eye contact and make sure you listen when she talks. Have fun.

Ok, I don't care about IQ. I care about intelligence but not necessarily academic. My DP would not be considered academic but he is very knowledgeable about a wide variety of useless things. And he is very sociable and personable. That's why I love him.

There is academic intelligence IQ and there is emotional intelligence EQ.
You sound low on the latter.
It's worth making it clear to a high achiever that having a laugh with someone and sharing a sense of humour, as others have recommended, does not require the skills of a standup comedian. Liking people and enjoying their company is sufficient.
To paraphrase the well-worn saying, all work and no play makes avietmal a dull man. And I think it would be healthy for you to move out as, from your OP, there's a risk you have the mentality of a man from your dad's era.

Op you are getting quite a hard time here and I think one of the reasons for that is you have come on here, a site mainly used by women and unwittingly denigrated women. You seem to think women are a different species, but they are humans just like men, just as varied. They don't all want men who are 'alpha and assertive' different women want different things. Forget all this alpha stuff hardly any men I know would qualify as alpha yet most are in relationships, even the shy ones.

It's unfair, but it is a social convention that men ask women out, not that women never ask men out, but it more often than not men do the asking. So if you really want a relationship you need to bite the bullet and ask people out.

Are you meeting women? In my experience people usually seem to meet their partners through friends, shared interests work or collage (not lively night time venues!) and obviously there's online dating. Like it or not you have to spend time with women to find out if you are compatible with them. If you are too busy for dating, you are too busy for a relationship.

It's quite something to get to 30 without having had a relationship and I wonder you really in your heart of hearts want a relationship or is something stopping you other that women's disinterest? Could you be gay? Do you find social interaction difficult? Do you have much of a libido?

Lastly I just wanted to add that you don't get to decide what your children will be like, even with your perceived superior gene stock your children might have learning difficulties or be seriously ill. They might have an an average IQ, not be very muscular and prone to colds, you'll need to love and cherish them just the same.

Oh OP bloody hell that was painful

Does your online profile include all of these things that you are great at? No girl of sound mind would want to date a guy who talks about how great they are

I think first of all, stop being so highly strung, second of all, try to find a sense of humour from within ... it may help you to relax

PS Mums, countrywomen, lend me your thoughts I could not cringe more at this opening line if I tried

Top IQ and high earners isn't what I'm looking for.
I'm looking for a good personality someone funny who makes me laugh..you sound like a boring old fart (no offense )

People who say something offensive and then say 'no offense' are such tools.

Why did you chose your user name? That will tell us more about you than your original post.

I don't know why people are being mean to you. You sound like a brainy, good looking nerd. And that's ok. I like guys that are hard to know. They are often worth knowing more than a jerk at the bar.

Oh blimey. Please please lose the Alpha/Game nonsense. It is utter bollocks.

Are you on the spectrum? The way you post makes me think that. It honestly sounds like you don't see women as individuals, which is something I saw a lot when I took a trip down the rabbit hole and read up on the Red Pill stuff on Reddit.

I echo what people have already said, get some hobbies, make some friends and meet people that way.

And fwiw my DH is a brainy high earner who had rubbish luck with women until he was your age and met me. I fell in love with him because he was sweet, kind and funny and very good in bed. The slightest hint of 'game' would have put me right off.

I don't know why people are being mean to you. You sound like a brainy, good looking nerd

Whatever gave you that idea Vaga ... According to a photograph rating website I was in the top 3 or so percent for physical appearance

It's one thing to be a good looking nerd, its another to brag about being a good looking nerd

At least his opening line was not about "girls" or "ladies", that's the usual fatal error made by male posters.

So he's a bit awkward and old-fashioned and lives with his dad? I'm sure he can find a similarly minded woman. I think the main problem really is seeing women as a faceless, homogeneous mass, and basing his idea of what they all want on his experience from a few nights at a discotheque.

I was going to go into why your high IQ isn't very interesting, but then I read this :

I am a stable guy, a gentleman, the type of guy that girls complain don't exist

Have any women said this to your face, in real life? Where is this coming from? Because it sounds like something that a Nice Guy would say, and that isnt a good look for anyone.

Does sound a bit bitter - "woman say they want a nice guy, but here I am and they don't want me" Proof beyond doubt of our fickle nature

Do you have friends, hobbies? Do you socialise with people from work? I would enjoy time with friends and step away from online dating for a while. I would also wonder why you were living at home if you're such a high earner (unless you have caring responsibilities). Unless there was a real reason not to move out of home it would make me question your independence.

raven thank you for using the word discotheque, I don't why it isn't used any more, it is a great word.

OP to me you sound like a man who lives in his own head a lot - an introvert who sees other men charming women but very much from outside the group. You clearly don't understand what attracts people to other people. Your theory that there is a "type" of man that appeals to women - if you really have a high IQ think about it - how can this be true? There are endless "types" of men and women and different people are attracted to different types!

There's no reason to think there aren't lots of women who will take a fancy to you, but to meet them you need to get out of your head and into reality - join clubs, cultivate hobbies, take an interest in something other than dating, work and yourself.

No-one is going to see your instrinsic value by magic. And you have to make an effort and take an interest in other people.

There are a lot of people on here seeming to jump to the worst conclusion about someone they have never met. Some really nasty comments on here. Relationships more and more resembles AIBU. The OP hasn't written in a warm, engaging style, true about his dilemma. Therefore he is sport for some people to ridicule and name-call? Ugh