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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Shall I tell my friend the real reason why I left her 40th b'day party early?

64 replies

Tinytilly · 19/10/2016 19:21

She's more than once expressed her disappointment that I only stayed an hour and a half and left before it even got going. I made a crappy excuse that my dh was locked out and that I had to go home to let him in & that I'd return later....only I didn't. The lie was all I could think up on the spot. I didn't want to spoil her happy time and make a scene. There were only 9 of us there at the time I left. Here's what really happened:

Myself, birthday girl (bg) and three others (one of whom has alcohol issues) got a cab to the West End. Bg had hired a bar and was expecting around 80 to turn up. We arrived at 8.30 and were joined by 4 others. The night was young but the party was quiet-ish with only 9 of us there at the start. We all sat around a table chatting and laughing but bg ended up moving to the bar as new people arrived with gifts etc. So I'm sitting with 4 others, to my right is bg's boss from work, to my left is our mutual friend who proceeds to break the Guiness Book of Records for getting totally & utterly arseholed. It wasn't pleasant. Anyway, me & the boss are sharing a banquette but are both leaning into the table we're all sat at. Suddenly I quite definately feel a thumb graze my buttock. I jumped slightly, my spidee senses on alert, looked her boss in the eye but he gives nothing away and I put it down to pure accident....Then it happens again, but more deliberate this time. I felt really uncomfortable because there was no flirting going on and we were all in converation together. The 3rd time it happened, I wanted to grab the offending hand and tug it into the air and say 'Whose hand is this touching up my bottom?' I was really angry but also intimidated. I was badly sexually abused when I was younger and I lack the self-esteem to shout out. I decided I'd had enough, between the toucher-upper and Mrs completely-piefaced I was having a miserable time, I was really stressed. There were only about 16 people there when I got up to leave and it would have soured the atmosphere if I'd said anything, never mind making things uncomfortable for my friend at work. So I'm ashamed to say I got up and told her I had to leave as my dh was locked out but that I hoped she has a lovely evening. She pressed me to not be too long and would wait for me to return to cut her cake. I felt awful knowing I wasn't returning but I couldn't get out of there fast enough. The bg complained to me the next day that so few people turned up and she wanted to know why I didn't return. (I had hoped she'd be partying so hard she wouldn't notice), I then lied further and said my dh had had to attend to his elderly dm and so I was left with the young dc & couldn't return. I hate myself for lying and not having the balls to confront that man but in the moment I didn't know what else to do. In the end, only about 35 people turned up, she's still a bit pissed with me, shall I tell her?

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 19/10/2016 20:29

I don't understand why you're trying to protect his.

It's not exactly a relationship built on trust, it's an employee/boss relationship. It's not going to hurt her that he's a dick. Just tell her.

Sara107 · 19/10/2016 20:35

That sounds horrible, but definitely try and explain to your friend what really happened rather than her thinking you just couldn't be bothered staying. Does she know that you were abused in the past? Not that it makes any difference to what the boss was doing. She ought to know he has a creepy side to him, if she doesn't already.

Yoarchie · 19/10/2016 20:39

I'd only tell her if she can keep her mouth shut about it.

IreallyKNOWiamright · 19/10/2016 20:41

Please tell her. Stop this awful man from doing it to other women.

ProjectGainsborough · 19/10/2016 21:12

Framey, please try not to be a dick.

Different people, particularly those who have experienced past trauma, approach things in different ways.

RealityCheque · 19/10/2016 21:16

So, just to be clear - was there 9 people or 16 people there when you left? You seem to be getting mixed up, op. Hmm

ProjectGainsborough · 19/10/2016 21:29

Does it matter, Reality?

BeMorePanda · 19/10/2016 21:49

Absolutely tell her. There is no need to protect her (friend deserves the truth) or her boss (abuser deserves people to know the truth about him).

BeMorePanda · 19/10/2016 21:49

And what a dreadful position to be in and horrific thing to happen to you op.

nearlyhellokitty · 19/10/2016 21:57

oh i bet she's feeling crap because the 80 people didn't come. but for sure explain!

Beebeeeight · 19/10/2016 21:58

Tell her if you feel able to but don't be guilted into by people who do t know the trauma of an abusive past.

ParForTheCourses · 20/10/2016 09:46

That's awful op. I'd tell her the truth, why should you hide it? This way she knows that a) what really happened and b) is forewarned - he could well do it to her.

I was shocked and upset when my boss did something similar to me at a party. Afterwards all I heard was 'yes he's a sleaze' and lots of stories from other staff who had seen or experienced it.

ParForTheCourses · 20/10/2016 09:47

My boss back then I should say. I left soon after.

Moomin80 · 21/10/2016 12:23

How are you now Tinytilly?
I think previous experience as a child, taught you not to say anything and that you might not be believed if you did say anything. You must have felt awful, but if she is a real friend, she will believe you. What a creep he must be, and Im sure your friend will know he has some kind of form for this.

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