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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Shall I tell my friend the real reason why I left her 40th b'day party early?

64 replies

Tinytilly · 19/10/2016 19:21

She's more than once expressed her disappointment that I only stayed an hour and a half and left before it even got going. I made a crappy excuse that my dh was locked out and that I had to go home to let him in & that I'd return later....only I didn't. The lie was all I could think up on the spot. I didn't want to spoil her happy time and make a scene. There were only 9 of us there at the time I left. Here's what really happened:

Myself, birthday girl (bg) and three others (one of whom has alcohol issues) got a cab to the West End. Bg had hired a bar and was expecting around 80 to turn up. We arrived at 8.30 and were joined by 4 others. The night was young but the party was quiet-ish with only 9 of us there at the start. We all sat around a table chatting and laughing but bg ended up moving to the bar as new people arrived with gifts etc. So I'm sitting with 4 others, to my right is bg's boss from work, to my left is our mutual friend who proceeds to break the Guiness Book of Records for getting totally & utterly arseholed. It wasn't pleasant. Anyway, me & the boss are sharing a banquette but are both leaning into the table we're all sat at. Suddenly I quite definately feel a thumb graze my buttock. I jumped slightly, my spidee senses on alert, looked her boss in the eye but he gives nothing away and I put it down to pure accident....Then it happens again, but more deliberate this time. I felt really uncomfortable because there was no flirting going on and we were all in converation together. The 3rd time it happened, I wanted to grab the offending hand and tug it into the air and say 'Whose hand is this touching up my bottom?' I was really angry but also intimidated. I was badly sexually abused when I was younger and I lack the self-esteem to shout out. I decided I'd had enough, between the toucher-upper and Mrs completely-piefaced I was having a miserable time, I was really stressed. There were only about 16 people there when I got up to leave and it would have soured the atmosphere if I'd said anything, never mind making things uncomfortable for my friend at work. So I'm ashamed to say I got up and told her I had to leave as my dh was locked out but that I hoped she has a lovely evening. She pressed me to not be too long and would wait for me to return to cut her cake. I felt awful knowing I wasn't returning but I couldn't get out of there fast enough. The bg complained to me the next day that so few people turned up and she wanted to know why I didn't return. (I had hoped she'd be partying so hard she wouldn't notice), I then lied further and said my dh had had to attend to his elderly dm and so I was left with the young dc & couldn't return. I hate myself for lying and not having the balls to confront that man but in the moment I didn't know what else to do. In the end, only about 35 people turned up, she's still a bit pissed with me, shall I tell her?

OP posts:
benbry · 19/10/2016 19:53

Tell her the truth when she wont be at work for a few days. Just explain that you didn't want to cause any problems but now realise that you need to be honest. If she decides to confront him then it really is up to her.

ProjectGainsborough · 19/10/2016 19:54

It doesn't matter what he says, you're not mad. You don't need to worry about the consequences for her. What she does with the information is her choice.

TheNaze73 · 19/10/2016 19:55

No idea, why you didn't say something at the time. Of course you need to say something

Muser54321 · 19/10/2016 19:56

I'd tell her yes.

Tell her you doubted yourself the first time too. You didn't over react. THREE chances you gave the asshole.

I'm not surprised you left.

Muser54321 · 19/10/2016 19:57

Having read the other thread, I think the only way to deal with these fuckers is to punch them in the face then act like nothing just happened.

legotits · 19/10/2016 19:57

I'm not saying lie at all, I'm saying start small if you are worried about reactions.

benbry · 19/10/2016 19:58

TheNaze, I believe you're male, which explains why you have no idea why the OP kept quiet at the time. Most women get it.

KindDogsTail · 19/10/2016 19:59

Tinytilly Wed 19-Oct-16 19:39:31
"I'm now beginning to wish I had said something at the time. I just didn't feel able. I'd hate for her to have a nasty atmosphere at work."

It would be a shame if there is a nasty atmosphere between you and her because she thinks you don't like her and (understandably) lied to her.

The boss is a creep. At least she'll have been warned. If she says anything to him, good for her. As her boss, even off duty at the party, had no right to touch a friend of hers up in that way. Look how under obligation you feel ... you'd hate her to have a nasty atmosphere at work etc. He has used his position to try to get something he wanted at the expense of other people.

By the way, in my view it took courage for you to leave. Well done.

Thatwaslulu · 19/10/2016 20:01

What happens if he does the same to her, and she's not expecting it or thinks she is imagining it or whatever? I think you owe it to your friend (and yourself) to out him - he is the one in the wrong and not you or your friend.

ImperialBlether · 19/10/2016 20:02

I would definitely tell her - you will help her make sense of what happened that night.

ample · 19/10/2016 20:03

Tell your friend the truth. If she confronts or 'goes telling' to her boss, then that's for her to deal with, not you, so I wouldn't worry about any nasty atmosphere or fallout at her workplace.
You felt uncomfortable at her party and left. You made up an excuse because you didn't want to cause a scene or spoil her night.
I'm sure she will understand. If she doesn't, well I wouldn't let that bother you either. At least you've been truthful and admitted the tale behind your early departure.

clam · 19/10/2016 20:03

Why are you protecting him by keeping quiet?

KindDogsTail · 19/10/2016 20:06

A friend's husband once groped me at a lunch party as I was walking past clearing up, I never said anything, just smiled politely and walked on.

A woman friend of my parents I was baby sitting for's husband tried to grab and kiss me. I never told.

The husband of a woman I worked for as a cleaner when I was a student told me in the lift he'd be happy to pay me for services. I never told and went on cleaning there.

I never did anything, Naze. You were much braver OP.

FrameyMcFrame · 19/10/2016 20:06

Couldn't you have just said stop it to him and moved away?
I don't think you needed to lie, or to leave either, really.

thetoothfairywhoforgot · 19/10/2016 20:07

He's the one that did something wrong. Not the OP. She is not responsible for his actions.

We've all been in this situation and IME I often react totally differently to the way I would expect.

I would tell her now though OP.

legotits · 19/10/2016 20:08

Fucks sake Framey

museumum · 19/10/2016 20:11

Given the relationships on the night I wouldn't have said anything either as showing the boss up for the creep he is could have caused the birthday girl trouble (unfortunately).
But I absolutely would tell her now.

LeninaCrowne · 19/10/2016 20:13

Maybe some of her colleagues didn't go because he has form for doing this and they avoid going to events he is invited to.

If you are feeling strong, you need to tell her the truth.

crispandcheesesanwichplease · 19/10/2016 20:17

tinytilly please don't feel bad for not saying anything to him at the time. He's a sleazebag and that kind of behaviour is meant to confuse and unsettle you.

I'd tell your friend the truth. She's probably feeling pretty crap and sensitive about the low turn out at her party and feeling a bit paranoid. You leaving early will have added to that.

If she decides to confront her boss then she's an adult and it's her choice to deal with any fall out from doing that. You would in no way be responsible for that.

Please tell her. What if another social event is arranged that he's invited to in the future? You shouldn't have to avoid social situations due to a sleazy predator and your friend needs to know why you did what you did and to be warned about his behaviour towards her friends.

crispandcheesesanwichplease · 19/10/2016 20:19

Lenina that's a very good point and may well explain why other people didn't show up.

2 birds 1 stone here OP.

CartwheelGirl · 19/10/2016 20:22

I think it is TOTALLY understandable that you didn't tell the truth in the first place and I think your friend deserves to know. She really does. She did nothing wrong. Please tell her. Maybe choose an opening line and focus on it in your mind, then once you start with the opening line it's easier to continue. The opening line can be 'I hate to say this but...', or 'I need to tell you something...'

CartwheelGirl · 19/10/2016 20:23

Framey, that's a very unkind post.

legotits · 19/10/2016 20:25

Wait a sec.

Tinytilly isn't the sexual harassment panda, policing twats.

If I said
"Your boss is a grubby fucker"
I have a friend who would laugh and tell me to woman up. Assuming I wasn't too fussed.
I have another who would go on a man hunt so I would word it and explain differently.

A watch out he's a wrong un may be enough.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 19/10/2016 20:25

Tilly, he needs outing, not protecting, otherwise he will do this again.
I'm sorry that you had to suffer this indignity, I really am.
Please do tell your friend, or indeed, show her this thread.
Don't give him another second of your precious thinking time.
There are names for men like him. 😡😡😡

CheesyWeez · 19/10/2016 20:29

We have all had times when we didn't tell. Surprised, not knowing what to do, thinking we won't be believed, not wanting to make a fuss, not wanting our loved ones to hear of it.
You did the right thing walking away OP - and if you'd gone back he would have tried it again, only with more drink inside him.

I was on a training course where I actually practised with children what to do in this kind of situation, so now I can apply it to myself. Saying NO loudly or grabbing the hand and lifting it up saying "someone's got their hand on my bottom" is what I always wished I'd done when I thought about it later. So I practised saying NO and thought through different scenarios. Unfortunately I had to use that all too soon when my manager got me on my own in the stationery cupboard Angry

Don't protect him OP, your friendship is more important. Tell Bg what happened and that you were upset by it. Flowers