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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Did you give him another chance? Or go?

69 replies

Lily15 · 19/10/2016 18:52

for those of you who have been where I am now..I know it makes no difference to my outcome I just want to know what you did after you found out your other half had cheated.

OP posts:

donners312 · 20/10/2016 17:29

Stayed the first time just had a baby and was also really ill - biggest mistake of my life and i so regret not walking away then.

IsNotGold · 20/10/2016 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goodgonegirl · 20/10/2016 22:38

Genuine question - what constitutes cheating? I recently found out that my partner of 5 years kissed someone else a few months ago...I am still with him but am not sure if we can move forward with this or not. If I found out he had slept with her then absolutely not.

CatBallou2 · 20/10/2016 23:33

Goodgonegirl, I imagine that we all have our own definition of what cheating is. I suppose we all have an idea of what we want from a partner emotionally, and how we want them to behave with other people, and if they betray that, then we feel cheated.

My counsellor asked me last week if I thought my relationship was over and I immediately replied that I didn't know, which surprised me. There are times when I do answer yes to that question. She then went on to say that there are relationships where emotional needs are met outside of that relationship, and some people can cope with that, and thers cannot. I wasn't expecting that from her, I have to admit, and I felt very uncomfortable hearing it, but I'd say there's a lot of truth in it. Sometimes it's difficult hearing someone else's view, be it professional or otherwise.

Original poster

Lily15 · 21/10/2016 01:45

He wants to stay. Has said he will do whatever it takes. For as long as it takes. My heart wants him to stay. I don't know if I can. Trying to take everyones advice and take it one day at a time.

OP posts:

loobyloo1234 · 21/10/2016 09:47

Have you kicked him out at least initially Lily? To give you some head space?

IsNotGold · 21/10/2016 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Lily15 · 21/10/2016 14:52

Yes. He's not staying here. I'm won't be ready for him to come back anytime soon. I want to give him that chance- I can say at least we tried. But then I remember..he fucked her twice( and slept with me in between) he lied and told me I had nothing to worry about re her. Again and again. I believe it would have happened again had I not found out. So yeah, when you write it down Im not sure I can move past it.

OP posts:

StreetFighter · 21/10/2016 15:13

I stayed. I'm eight months in now. It's hard, of course it's hard, but then, whatever route you choose after being cheated on is hard.

This advice from Cheryl Strayed has helped me: "Forgiveness doesn't just sit there like a pretty boy in a bar. Forgiveness is the fat old man you have to haul up a hill." Don't misunderstand me: your DH has to put the work in - he fucked it up, so he needs to do whatever it takes to fix it - but there's also no point in staying if you're not prepared to ever countenance forgiving (if not forgetting) what he did to you. That's not a relationship worth fighting for.

Good luck.

RolfsBabyGrand · 21/10/2016 20:38

6 months down the road having kicked him out so I fully admit I am jaded but...I'd be cynical of the "we only did it twice" story. Sorry. He knows you won't believe that was the first time, so saying it was twice is more plausible and minimises damage. My ex had damage limitation down to a fine art.

Carlinamoon1 · 22/10/2016 02:51

My ex cheated on me with the excuse 'I hadn't being paying him enough attention'. I'd just been given the all clear after having cancer and was in the process of being made redundant. In addition to this we were weeks away from moving house and going on holiday. I gave him another chance for my daughters who were 10 and 11 at the time because I thought they had been through enough. I couldn't forgive him and the resentment over how badly he had treated me built up and we split up. He was back to his old tricks a year later, I saw messages but he wouldn't admit to anything. He then had an affair with another woman 2 years after that and I told him where to go. I'm now much happier without him and I know that if anyone cheated on me again then this would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

Tinasterrifictits · 22/10/2016 07:08

for you op. I've been wondering how you're getting on. Of course at this point he's saying he'll do whatever it takes for as long as it takes...he's been busted! & he doesn't want to live with the shitty outcome. Personally, I don't think this is the first time, it's just the first time you've found out about. & I doubt in the long term it'll be the last either. Of course he's going to promise you heaven and earth. It's very very tempting to get sucked back in and listen to all the reassurances, you want your old life back. He's only saying all that stuff because he doesn't want to face the public humiliation of having been caught with his trousers down. He'd promise ANYTHING right now and be very convincing. For me it'd be a total dealbreaker. You deserve better op.

ravenmum · 22/10/2016 07:54

Mine had been dithering around for months saying he didn't know how he felt about me, treating me as if he hated me, bringing up "faults" from the past, so I didn't feel I had any options. I guess that made it easier in some ways: it was not my choice.

At the time I was scared of the future and devastated, now I am pleased we are not together. I had lost all sense of leading my own life.

RolfsBabyGrand · 22/10/2016 08:20

Carlina was a absolute prick. So pleased you are happy now.

Original poster

Lily15 · 23/10/2016 10:29

We met again on Friday. I was too tired to shed a tear. I did scream a lot though. I'd found his phone bill and the weekend we went away with the kids (day after he fucked her the first time) he spent all his time sneaking off to call her. On the Sunday morning he spoke to her an hour before I got up. The betrayal is just too great. I went out with my friends last night (had been planned for ages) and it made me realise that cheating is a conscious decision. You choose to do that. And I don't believe you can love someone truly, if you can cheat. The chance was there to get 'revenge' and I just didn't want too. And that's after all he's done. If you love someone you don't hurt them. I know my answer. I just need to be strong enough to work it through.

OP posts:

NotwhoIwasthen · 23/10/2016 14:00

Well done you Lily! Now keep strong. XXXX

Carlinamoon1 · 23/10/2016 14:41

Well done Lily! Stay strong as others have said you deserve so much better

mamakena · 23/10/2016 16:46

I dumped him same day, never looked back. (We were dating 1 yr, no kids) He didn't love or respect me and I didn't trust him.

MissWillaCather · 23/10/2016 21:55

It's so different when you've been together nearly twenty years, with dcs though. Just not so easy to walk away.

Though this thread has kind of made me wish that's what I had done when I first found out. I'm committed to trying now. And still don't want my children part time through no fault of mine. It's just so bloody hard.

Carlinamoon1 · 23/10/2016 22:22

MissWillaCather
That's the situation I was in; the decree absolute came through a week after what would have been our 18th wedding anniversary. I gave him another chance because I know that when my girls were 10 and 11 he would have insisted on shared custody and I thought would have been devastated by not seeing them for half the week. The final trigger (apart from the 'friend' who was really ow) was my daughter asking why I put up with being treated so badly'. As much as I thought I had shielded them from it for years they were obviously far more aware of what was going on than I thought. There was no question of them not living with me but it is very hard being a single mother to two strong willed older teens with no support.

garlicandsapphire · 23/10/2016 23:39

I went for counselling with him for 4 or 5 months and then decided to end it. He broke my heart and I didnt love or respect him anymore.

I moved on and have a better life - so many adventures, once I re-built after the trauma (and trauma it is). Now 9 years later my DCs are happy, mature and well adjusted and we have a good relationship with their Dad as a family.

I chose my life and happiness. And who I trusted most to safeguard that - me.

ravenmum · 24/10/2016 09:03

We were together more than 20 years and had two teenagers. Before I found out all the details of his affair I told him that I didn't want to break up. I was willing to work on it, go to counselling etc. (but he couldn't find the time). After I found out the details, as I say I did not feel I had a choice - he simply had to go. It was a huge relief. We have minimal contact as the teenagers are old enough to do their own thing with him. Sorting out the house and money is fiddly but gradually gets done. Overall, it has been a positive change in my life so far, even if the split was awful and there is more uncertainty in my life than before his affair. There would still have been uncertainty if we'd stayed together. This experience will affect everyone differently; there are no guarantees. But that's life.

garlicandsapphire · 24/10/2016 10:11

Dear Lily

I feel for you - the bottom does drop out of your world and its sickening to the core. And be warned that what you think you know now may not be the whole extent (unless you did accidentally catch it early and this is the only inatance). I was told it was only a couple of times over 7 months whilst in fact it was a couple of times a month for 7 months. Lies, to minimise. And yes a conscious choice every time they looked you in the eye and told a bare faced lie that would break your heart. He chose to betray you, and betrayal it is. I said to my XH this is the risk you took, when I kicked him out and he kept saying he didnt, he never wanted to split us up. Because he chose to be blinkered to greedily have what he wanted ignoring the consequences for his children and wife.

Anger, hurt, shock, pain, yes it all needs to come out. Cry. I firmly believe you cannot heal till it has all spilled out over and over again. But make sure that from now on you do whats right for you and your happiness. I chose to move on after 20 years with two small DCs, and the pain and hurt does go away. One morning you will wake up and it will not be the first thing that hits you, and you will see the sunshine or the blossom on the trees and you will laugh with friends or family, and the world will be a better place for you.

Big hugs.

RolfsBabyGrand · 25/10/2016 22:36

Lovely words garlic I can't wait for the time when ex doesn't take up constant head space.

talesofthevillage · 25/10/2016 23:10

you cannot heal till it has all spilled out over and over again Oh God, this, yes.

My friends did not understand the time I needed to process it all. Don't worry about how long it takes, your internal clock will guide you even if it seems stuck for a long while. You will recover.

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