Would you be upset?

[surprisedandupset]

Have name-changed. I’m just looking for some perspective and views please.

BF and I have been together almost 2 years. We are both in our 40’s, soon to be divorced (from our exes) and have two DC each. All has been really good between us, we love each other and have been making plans to meet each other’s DC.

I have my DC full-time and he has his every second week, so given that we haven’t all met yet, it can be challenging to spend quality time together. However we have managed ok to-date, including taking several weekend trips away over the last two years and I was hoping that this situation would improve when we had met each other’s kids.

We had to cancel two planned dates last week for various reasons attributable to him – valid enough reasons, but I admit I was frustrated and disappointed as a result. When I expressed this to BF in what I thought was a constructive fashion, he got upset and told me that I was overreacting, s* happens, and I should be able to deal with this better.

This was followed by an email from him the next day pretty much saying that he wanted to go on a week long activity trip abroad next Spring with a group of near strangers from his gym, but he has been afraid to mention it to me for fear that I would be upset. Damn right I would!

For context, this is a seasonal activity that we both love doing and have travelled abroad together to do twice in the last two years. We had a great time on both occasions but they were long weekend trips, due to children, financial and work holiday restrictions.

I’m really upset that he is prepared to use up a week of his holidays and the associated money to go on a trip with a group of people that he hardly knows, meaning that we would not be able to do this activity (or have any proper holiday together) at all next year due to lack of budget and lack of holiday allowance on his part. Moving into our third year together, I really hoped we would have a proper holiday of at least a week together in 2017.

His view is that he “wants to get to know these people better” and would be doing something out of the ordinary for him. He says it has no reflection on the way he feels about me. I get that all couples need to do stuff separately, but I cannot comprehend his attitude. He gets to do his own thing fairly regularly. For example, he just returned from a 4 day activity this past weekend and has several weekends away with his own friends over recent months. I have no issue whatsoever with this. He is a free spirited Gemini and I get that he needs to do stuff without me. Likewise, I have a good life of my own with plenty of friends and interests.

He doesn’t understand why this is a deal-breaker for me. His attitude is "tomorrow is another day" and that we have years of holidays ahead of us. But who knows what's around the corner?

I feel like there is no choice for me but to end the relationship if he chooses to go ahead with this trip. What it says to me is that he would prefer to spend his holidays and budget getting to know a group of strangers from his gym better, on what will probably be a wild boozy trip, rather than holiday with his partner. I am shocked, beyond disappointed and insulted and now feel that we have no future together. Am I overreacting? I wasn't invited on the trip by the way.

The teenage DD has known that he has a partner from the outset of our relationship Sophie. She just wasn't ready to meet me. She says that she is now.

"The DC won't accept a new partner" is the oldest excuse in the book for someone who doesn't want to introduce the kids because they don't see the relationship as serious.

regardless of where you see the relationship going, you're nothing than some casual woman he sees when it's convenient.

In truth neither of you is wrong, but if what you want doesn't match then the relationship has no future.

But I wanted to spend some with him too.

And now you know that that is not reciprocated.

So you can "play it cool" just so yiu get to keep an uninterested boyfriend.

Or you can decide that a boyfriend who wants to spend as little time with you as possible because you have "forever" is already taking you for granted in what should be the honeymoon phase.

I totally get where you are coming from OP. You aren't being controlling and you aren't overreacting. In fact your reaction is completely normal.

I'm pretty laid back but would also be insulted if my DP of two years preferred to share his only holiday with virtual strangers instead of me, I think the hurtful part is that it is because he will be participating in a pursuit that you also enjoy.

It would be different if say it was a skiing holiday and you didn't ski (my passion is snowboarding and if I only got one week off a year and my DP didn't board then tough on them, I would go with other friends) but the fact is you enjoy this hobby too, so yes, it must sting and I too would be questioning his feelings.

Ah RTFT ! Just saw that it is indeed a ski holiday !

You sound suffocating

You absolutely don't sound suffocating OP, you sound more laid back than most.

I do t think you sound controlling at all I just think that both of you see your relationship differently.

I think it's time you had the conversation about where your relationship is now and where you both see it being in a year/2 years time.

Thanks benbry

And joysmum Good advice re conversation. I was thinking of doing just that.

OP, for what it's worth, I certainly don't think you are either suffocating of controlling. I hope you can get this sorted out, one way or another.

Thanks Sugarpie

I'd be very upset if my boyfriend of two years (which I happen to have) did this.

I would assume he was not that into me, and act accordingly. Unfortunately, you can't make (or guilt) someone into prioritising spending time with you. If you have to do that, it's already over.

And so you see why his first marriage ended...

You don't sound controlling or suffocating. I think your concerns are perfectly reasonable and valid. They are red flags and for good reason - this man is starting to show you his true self.

Two years is a long time not to meet children. The fact he is puttting it off still and not investing in the relationship is not good.

I think you should talk to him rather than just dump him though! Is he scared of commitment again after marriage? As the relationship gets serious he is bailing out.

It was all very clear from your first post that you are not being controlling, unreasonable, demanding or anything else. The salient facts were there.

I can't imagine any situation where I wouldn't have my bf meet my children & meet his before two years. I understand you don't want to say what it is, that's fine, but I really can't picture letting a child dictate to me for 4/5 years. That aside, why couldn't he meet your children & you his other children? Two years is a bloody long time.

The fact that he doesn't want to spend his only non DC/family holiday with you, but with strangers, especially when you get very little time together would be a deal breaker for me. I think it shows exactly how he feels about you. He doesn't want to spend ANY of his holiday with you for the next year.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers! You're worth far more than the odd crumb thrown your way.

So he's rude to you when he's cancelled on you twice in a week, and then follows up by booking up all of his annual leave next year so you can't have a holiday together at all.

I'm all for keeping my independence in a relationship, but this doesnt seem to actually be a relationship, more of a convenient shag when he can slot you in around anything else he fancies doing.

I'd either mentally relegate him to FWB status or dump him and find a man actually interested in a proper relationship, if that is what you want.

Hell yes I'd be upset. You've been prioritised below a bunch of near-strangers from the gym!

It would be oh so very different if he was also available to go on holiday with you, but he's not. He's already used all the rest of his holiday to see his kids and his family (valid) - but you don't appear to be included in that either? But even if you are, that's still HIS holiday with HIS family, you're just going along too.

It would also be different if you didn't ski - but you do, and to a similar standard.

So basically, he's saying to you "I'd rather be with the lads/folk from the gym than spend my last free week of holiday with you".
And yes, that would make me both pretty upset and pretty damn angry.

I don't know that I'd break the relationship off right now, over this - but I'd certainly take a few steps back and cool it off. Start being less available to him, stop doing things for him - sounds like he's mostly calling the shots here and you're just doing what he says.

You are not over-reacting though - it is a big thing. :(

Thanks all. That's very good advice ThumbWitches. I'm going to step back now and make myself slightly less available. Feeling cooler about the situation today and think that is probably the best course of action. I have plans myself this coming weekend anyway.

Good advice from Thumbwitch OP.😀

I agree with Thumbwitches too.

This jumped out at me:
He would have to be a very good actor the way he behaves with me if he was interested in someone else. We are a very touchy feely couple. He always insists on sitting beside me, even in restaurants, holding my hand, kissing me etc.

Umm, yes, he's a very good actor.

That sounds like love bombing you when he's with you and 'out of sight out of mind' when he's not. It's Teddy Bear Love. You have been kicked under the bed and forgotten about.

Definitely recalibrate your expectations regarding him. I am glad to see that you already have plans this weekend that don't include him. But that is not really a rarity - so he may not even notice. Don't pick up every third or fourth call- see what response that gets...probably none. Imho, he may already be on the FWB page which has a lot of emotional boundaries.