Would you be upset?

[surprisedandupset]

Have name-changed. I’m just looking for some perspective and views please.

BF and I have been together almost 2 years. We are both in our 40’s, soon to be divorced (from our exes) and have two DC each. All has been really good between us, we love each other and have been making plans to meet each other’s DC.

I have my DC full-time and he has his every second week, so given that we haven’t all met yet, it can be challenging to spend quality time together. However we have managed ok to-date, including taking several weekend trips away over the last two years and I was hoping that this situation would improve when we had met each other’s kids.

We had to cancel two planned dates last week for various reasons attributable to him – valid enough reasons, but I admit I was frustrated and disappointed as a result. When I expressed this to BF in what I thought was a constructive fashion, he got upset and told me that I was overreacting, s* happens, and I should be able to deal with this better.

This was followed by an email from him the next day pretty much saying that he wanted to go on a week long activity trip abroad next Spring with a group of near strangers from his gym, but he has been afraid to mention it to me for fear that I would be upset. Damn right I would!

For context, this is a seasonal activity that we both love doing and have travelled abroad together to do twice in the last two years. We had a great time on both occasions but they were long weekend trips, due to children, financial and work holiday restrictions.

I’m really upset that he is prepared to use up a week of his holidays and the associated money to go on a trip with a group of people that he hardly knows, meaning that we would not be able to do this activity (or have any proper holiday together) at all next year due to lack of budget and lack of holiday allowance on his part. Moving into our third year together, I really hoped we would have a proper holiday of at least a week together in 2017.

His view is that he “wants to get to know these people better” and would be doing something out of the ordinary for him. He says it has no reflection on the way he feels about me. I get that all couples need to do stuff separately, but I cannot comprehend his attitude. He gets to do his own thing fairly regularly. For example, he just returned from a 4 day activity this past weekend and has several weekends away with his own friends over recent months. I have no issue whatsoever with this. He is a free spirited Gemini and I get that he needs to do stuff without me. Likewise, I have a good life of my own with plenty of friends and interests.

He doesn’t understand why this is a deal-breaker for me. His attitude is "tomorrow is another day" and that we have years of holidays ahead of us. But who knows what's around the corner?

I feel like there is no choice for me but to end the relationship if he chooses to go ahead with this trip. What it says to me is that he would prefer to spend his holidays and budget getting to know a group of strangers from his gym better, on what will probably be a wild boozy trip, rather than holiday with his partner. I am shocked, beyond disappointed and insulted and now feel that we have no future together. Am I overreacting? I wasn't invited on the trip by the way.

I can see why you're upset, but you are also being very controlling. It's only one week, so what if he spends away from you?

In my experience, soothing time away from each other on week long holidays has always led to us being stronger, as the saying goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Or why don't you just ask to go with him if you enjoy the sport too?

So the DC can't accept their father having a relationship but their mother can?

I agree with PP, you do seem far more invested in this as a relationship than this man. It doesn't really sound like you are part of his life other than in a casual way. Sorry.

I would move on as it doesn't really look like you would be walking away from much. Its odd you were meant to meet his DC after TWO YEARS!! and he has set up this scenario that would upset you.

Has his daughter met her mother'a new boyfriend?

Cabrihna, that is exactly why am surprised and upset. Because we normally do bend over backwards for each other! So that's why this seems really strange. It is also skiing and we are pretty much the same standard, so it's something that we really enjoy doing together. Not sure why I mentioned the star sign btw

fitzbilly, it's not that I mind him spending a week away from me. My issue is that we won't have any holidays together next year, because he is already spending the other 3 weeks of his annual leave with his DC, visiting his parents abroad, including the Christmas holidays.

No Cabrinha, she has not met her mum's new boyfriend either.

Bluebeck the thought did cross my mind regarding the DC scenario

He's not thst into you.

Someone who was a keen boyfriend, never mind a committed partner, would want their delightful new girlfriend of a couple of years to join them on their only non-family holiday of the year.

You are dead right to finish it.

You are committed. He is not even particularly interested.

I am so sorry OP but this doesn't sound good. How old is the DD with the alleged "partner" issue? Even if the wife has backed him up in it doesn't mean it's true does it?

I am assuming she is at least 5? It seems unlikely to me that she has no idea either of her parents is in a relationship or that she would be surprised after at least four years. It sounds to me as though he has manufactured her resistance as a means of creating some distance between the two of you.

This "fact" has meant you haven't been able to spend as much time together, join him on trips abroad, get close to his family?

I would ditch him and concentrate my efforts on someone who was prepared to treat me as a bit more of a priority rather than as some dirty secret.

I am all for preparing children in these situations, but 4/5 years after a split and after two years together this is a pisstake

It sounds as if he sees your relationship as a casual thing, whereas
you think it's more serious. You want different things. Perhaps it's time to move on?

Ahhh now that post makes your upset over this make more sense.

Hmm...I dunno given he has allocated the rest of his annual leave elsewhere as well, it does seem a bit off for him to give you none.

I retract what I said and apologise. I wouldn't take that well either.

I can understand why you are upset. I would be very disappointed too in these circumstances. I am sure my dh would never have done this in the early stages of our relationship.

You can't change how he acts or what he chooses to do though. I think there is a message here that he's not as committed to the relationship as you are. Are you happy to stay with him now you know what he is offering? It sounds like a good relationship otherwise and he's right that you'll have lots of time away together in the future, assuming you have one.

Is the ski trip formally organised by his gym and you're not a member and can't go?
Is it informal but an all male group and he is not 'allowed' (and / or doesn't want to) change that dynamic?

I would definitely think my boyfriend was pulling away from me if there was no reason such as the above to include me.

As I say, my boyfriend will probably ski without me. He has 5 days and me 2, and is better than me - also I spend half my time in a ski country so would prefer to combine that but it's an expensive place and the friends he is rounding up will probably want a different country. So it probably won't come off - and I'm not controlling, I'm not trying to be joined at the hip - so that's fine. But the difference for me is that he hasn't even tried to include you. You're not muscling in on some long standing lads group.

I would reconsider the relationship, because I'd want to be with someone who wanted to spend that time with me.

If you were wanting him to cancel the gym group, rather than you join it, I'd think you were wrong. But I think it's not nice that he doesn't want you joining in.

And I'm sorry to twist the knife but I may as well be the first to state the obvious: is there a woman in the gym ski group that he's taken a shine to?

I say that not just because he doesn't want you to go, but because of his shitty response to you after he cancelled two dates, and his shitty way of setting you up over this trip, being too scared to tell you

Unless of course you have a history of over reacting!

The DC is a teenager but she has some other issues that I don't want to discuss on an internet forum. Suffice to say, it is all valid and I absolutely get why he doesn't want to upset her. To be fair, I also wanted to wait before introducing him to my DC, so that's not an issue.

Sandra I'm not a dirty secret, I have in fact been to visit his parents with him (he is from a different country), met his siblings, friends (both here and overseas), colleagues and have been to family events. Yes, we don't live together but neither of us were keen to rush into that. In every other way, we are committed. Hence the surprise regarding the trip.

Just keep your cool here OP & say nothing you'll regret. The fact that a man who is still technically married, is choosing to go skiing with some new friends really isn't a slight against what you have. Logically & most rational people will see it, you have years ahead of you, what's the rush? Really don't think he's pulling away from you

I don't really think there is another woman Cabrinha, although the thought did cross my mind. He would have to be a very good actor the way he behaves with me if he was interested in someone else. We are a very touchy feely couple. He always insists on sitting beside me, even in restaurants, holding my hand, kissing me etc. In every way, he is a very committed BF. That's why this is out of character.

And he would hardly wait 6 months for an opportunity if he was interested in someone else now, surely?

I'm not sure whether you have to be a member to join the trip. To be fair, I didn't ask to join the trip.

Thanks Naze. I'll try and keep my cool I really don't want to throw away what we have. He has said that we both want the same thing ultimately, but that he just moves a bit slower than me. I'll try to keep that in mind.

Thanks folks for all your good advice

I think you saying you feel 'insulted' by his decision is a bit strong, and I can understand that he feels you have lots of time
to do stuff in the future.

But for you, this is a dealbreaker and I respect that.

Do you trust him? Totally 100% trust him?

I think that's at the root of this.

Because if I totally trusted a man I would have no concerns about him wanting to have a friends holiday.

Pleased you see it op. People really need their same sex friends (new & old) & some people get trapped in marriages, where they are not allowed to do that. More fool them!

It's a tricky one. Personally that would really piss me off especially as he's already been away with his friends lots already.
It definitely seems as thought you are the one who wants more committment but then sometimes blokes need a baseball bat round the back of the head before they realise what they are doing isn't really acceptable.
However I'd say that two years is still early days especially when you both have children.
I wouldn't dump him over this but certainly I'd express your displeasure quite strongly and say you are not happy about this and two years really is still early days, personally I'd never move in with anyone before three years and you do have to be careful when you have children.

I wouldn't want my boyfriend to assume that I would spend all my holidays with him - don't you enjoy going away on your own/with friends/with your own family?

I think you sound as though you are very intense about the relationship and he is less so - neither is 'right' or 'wrong' - but if it makes you that unhappy then perhaps he isn't the right man for you?

I think his priorities are all wrong and it smacks of wanting a holiday as a single man. I'd be rethinking whether the relationship has much of a future too.

Ragwort, it's not all his holidays. It's any of his holidays. He doesn't have any more to spare. And yes, I will be doing some holidays with my own DC and friends next year. But I wanted to spend some with him too.

I have in fact been to visit his parents with him (he is from a different country), met his siblings, friends (both here and overseas), colleagues and have been to family events

And yet none of those people ever lets slip to the teenaged DD that he has had a partner for two years?

There's something untruthful buried somewhere in all this OP.

I hope you get a happy resolution but I think you are being taken for a ride.

OP, this is going to sting, so I will appologise in advance.
I don't think he is as invested in this relationship, as much as you are.
Beware of being put on the back burner.
In your shoes, I would feel insecure.