How do you cope if your MIL isn't someone you want in your life?

[Addictedtocustardcreams]

I posted a while ago about financial situation with my MIL (FIL has died she can't afford large house & car she is left with as also lots of debt to be paid off. My DH & SIL are going to give her money so she can afford to stay in 5 bed detached while we live with 2 kids in 3 bed terrace & SIL doesn't own her own place.)
Following on from the thread I had a further conversation with my DH. He tried to broach the disparity in our circumstances with MIL, & mentioned moving or selling car. She got really angry & told DHhis father would never have said anything like that. DH is therefore left that he either pays or has to completely put his foot down & insist MIL sells & moves. He is therefore going to pay.
MIL has also always had a tendency for emotional manipulation. She has said to my DD aged 3 "do you want to stay at my house?" When DD said no she said "why don't you love me?". She also announced in front of DD's face that she is only really interested in children until they are 3 or 4. I get on well with my SIL but she has a lot of self confidence & body image issues & it is very clear over time that these all stem from MIL.
This may read that I am being petty counting up the things she does wrong but I am trying to give a picture of her behaviour.
I think she is being very selfish over the money/house stuff. I also think she has some issues of her own that lead to the emotionally manipulative language. In lots of ways I feel quite sorry for her. But I don't really want to have a relationship with her anymore. I think everything that has been said & done over the last few months has destroyed any final positive feelings I had about her. I wouldn't want to stop her seeing the children but I don't really want her to be in a position to have influence over them especially as regards food/eating/body image.
Has anyone else ever coped with a very strained MIL relationship like this? Am I just a terrible DIL & I should find a way to get on with her? Currently I just don't know how to.

Queen I wondered that too. I still haven't forgotten that thread. I hope for the OP's sake it's not the same one.

What are you going to do, OP?

Thanks for all the replies, I was busy in work so only just getting round to answering.
To those who asked no my MIL doesn't have a classic car & paintings.
As much as I want to do as many have said & put my foot down & say no money to MIL I know my DH will not be able to accept this. I am going to have another talk to him & get him to agree to definitely no loads of debt for her & no more than the agreed amount, which looks like it is going to be £200 monthly. I am going to make him tell MIL this is the agreement so she can't cry & say she didn't know if (when) she gets into more trouble. I know that lots will disagree but I think if i compromise now it will be easier to get DH to see MIL is being unreasonable in the future especially if she breaks one of our pre-agreed ground rules. It's reassuring to know others think the bonkers emotional blackmail stuff is out of line too.
No one in my family would ever say anything like this but DH thinks it is all normal so sometimes it's hard to get perspective.
I feel sorry for her because I know all this comes from her own upbringing. I also don't think she has ever been a happy person in life & no one has ever helped or supported her to change. I think my DH & SIL turned out OK due to my FIL who despite being totally terrible with money was a lovely guy. His other fault was enabling MIL to continue being the person she is. He did well with the kids though.

"He did well with the kids though".

No he did not because he put his wife first and above his children; he also lived beyond his means and he has left his wife with a pile of debt. His adult children are now bailing his wife out potentially to the tune of £400 a month.

Your H is well in FOG and far more afraid of his mother than he ever is of you. He still seeks her approval, approval she will never give him or his sibling. His FOG and inertia when it comes to his mother still hurts his own family unit as well as he.

Do either of them really think that this will make a difference, it will make a hill of beans difference and she will no doubt be asking for more money.
That £200 would be better spent on your own family unit rather than keeping his mother in the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed in her five bed house (which she is likely unable to maintain upkeep of as well). Neither of them will ever likely see that money again.

She is likely to be a product of her own upbringing but I would not feel sorry for her at all. You feel sorry for her because you're a decent person who has come from an emotionally healthy family. Your DH was not so lucky and besides which she has never shown you the same consideration

So what is your husband going to sacrifice from his own lifestyle to fund this? Or will it be you and your children making cutbacks to keep Mil in cars and mansions?

Your dh is stupid and selfish and you need to put a stop to this right now as it will get worse. Suggest your dh moves in with her.

I would email. Lat it on thick with your mother in law. Tell her you will all have to scrimp and save to give her the monthly 200 and there is absolutely no way you could give her one more penny. Tell DH and SIL the same, so the ground rules are laid. Also mention that giving cash to parents is not a normal set up and usually people downsize in retirement.

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/equity-release

I would say no and mean no. And if this was the hill my marriage died on, so be it.

Equity release.

Your DH needs to feel like he is helping. So he can help her to fill in the forms. Get all the info and hand it to him.

Perhaps tell him that this way you can save money to help her when she really truly needs it.

He is in the FOG so you probably won't get far by just saying no. Her accessing her own money, with his help, is a different matter though, you will have a much easier argument there.

addicted do what you need to for your family. Definitely draw your line though at just that, and definitely no loans. But I think you should also make clear that this arrangement is only happening for as long as you can afford it. If it becomes too much of a struggle for your family, mil has to get less or nothing at all. Good luck

To be honest, the only way that you can move forward here is to stop being so accommodating to your husband, because it's currently easier for him to give in to her whims and stand up against you

What could £200 a month bring to your family?

So DH is going to give her £200 a month of his own spending money?

You need to make it clear to him that you won't be picking up the financial slack the next time he fancies a round of golf or a few pints on a night out - i.e. it'll be him that goes without, not you and the kids

suggest equity release to MIL.

I'd have to ltb.

Where's his loyalty to his wife & kids ffs?

He's giving her money to live in a house that you could only dream of.

Disgusting.

I couldn't have any respect for him.

I wouldn't suggest equity release nor would I agree to putting money in unless it's for a share of the property. Chances are alk her assets may be swallowed up by care needs one day. She needs to downsize.

I'm going to go against the grain and say that £200 a month is a reasonable compromise if you can afford it (there are some families that would really struggle with that, and others for whom it would be peanuts). I think it's particularly good if it helps you to set some boundaries that are more protective, e.g. NOT agreeing to take out a loan or finance more debt and assuaging some of your DH's guilt.

It sounds to me as though you suspect pretty strongly that she's going to break the ground rules and get into more trouble, and that this is therefore really something like a temporary arrangement so that you are able to bring her to a more reasonable agreement about her living standards with time. Which is good strategy, General Custard Creams.

I think another piece of good strategy would be to get your DH some help NOW to shore up his boundaries. My husband had some issues saying 'no' to parents who used emotional blackmail, and it really helped us loads to set better boundaries and communicate more clearly about what we could or couldn't do. The relationship is, on all sides, far better since this happened. At the time, it seemed like a lot of money per session, but it has literally paid for itself hundreds of times over, since it made DH a much calmer person, which meant he got a promotion.

That's a tough situation. Is it a one off payment or monthly to boost her income? Is the death fairly recent and she hasn't come to terms with the change in circumstances?

What's you husbands attitude? Does he want to help and a bit blinded to the situation, or know it's not a good idea really but can't say no?

He could go down the root of saying sorry can't do but offering to help her take out equity. If you can afford it maybe even offer a no interest bridging loan, until sale of house or equity lump sum. If husband and sil do provide an informal substantial loan maybe get a contract of sorts written up, so if it will be a debt against her estate.

My reason behind suggesting sil and husband suggest equity release, or other loan is that it may potentialy get her to realise that she just cannot afford to live there. They still look caring and helpful whilst she gets the idea that no one can afford to bail he out and she will need to make the numbers work.

Ah, seen your update and it is 200 a month. Can you put a time limit on it, say for 6 months or a year. Even if someone could easily afford 200 a month, over the course of 5, 10 or 20 years that would be a hell of a sum that you could have invested for your family.

Would she be willing to sit down with an accountant or financial advisor to go through her finances?

We are in a similar situation, parent died and money all tied up in property. We have provided money, in the form of a loan, to cover the surviving parent for a year, whlist probate sorted and property sold.

shove I agree I am sort of working on a strategy here. I guess I am partly working to demonstrate to DH that I am the reasonable one who has made a compromise, then when MIL asks for more I will be totally putting my foot down.

We are lucky as we have good incomes so won't need to scrimp & save to make these payments. The house got remortgaged shortly before FIL died & its these payments MIL can't afford. It therefore would be until this is paid off not life long.
Although my head isn't in the zone of feeling like I can completely say no & no way near saying this is the end for my marriage I actually really appreciate all the people coming on to say it would be this drastic for them. I was beginning to doubt myself for thinking this is a terrible plan & massively unfair.
I had another talk with DH about him setting the "ground rules " with MIL. I also told him that if he takes on debt in order to help her I will consider that his prioritising MIL over me/kids & that would be very detrimental to our relationship. He didn't say much but he knows I wouldn't say anything like that lightly.
Thanks again for all the responses. I feel more confident about standing up for myself.

Good luck Addicted

What about buying a percentage of the house off her? She can repay the debt and you get an asset.

My take is, that you help her now, while she gets over her recent widowhood, telling her that it has a set time limit, & that the debt will be repaid in full when the house is sold, as she must downsize, to realise capital pay her debts & secure a nice house/flat with 2/3 bedrooms which will be manageable & safe when she is older.
reason with her, At some point she will not want to climb the stairs, repaint the kitchen...also, tell her doing it this way will enable her to stay independent longer, & avoid throwing good money after bad.
The fact she has now got the luxury of time, to select her area of predilection, near a friend/cousin/network/town she likes.
Ensure her that it is all you can afford, & there will be no extra.
reinforce this, by telling her she will be getting some visits from estate agents to value her house, & calculate how much she could spend on a new home.
Failing this, it will put too much strain on your marriage.

How old is she? Is she very elderly? Do you think she is likely to ever have to go into a nursing home?

I know it sounds a little mercenary but I assume at some point your DH and SIL will stand to inherit this large house? Is there anyway she can gift the house over to them so they're guaranteed to see this money back (instead of it all going on nursing home fees in the future)? Then it might feel a bit easier to bear.