How do you cope if your MIL isn't someone you want in your life?

[Addictedtocustardcreams]

I posted a while ago about financial situation with my MIL (FIL has died she can't afford large house & car she is left with as also lots of debt to be paid off. My DH & SIL are going to give her money so she can afford to stay in 5 bed detached while we live with 2 kids in 3 bed terrace & SIL doesn't own her own place.)
Following on from the thread I had a further conversation with my DH. He tried to broach the disparity in our circumstances with MIL, & mentioned moving or selling car. She got really angry & told DHhis father would never have said anything like that. DH is therefore left that he either pays or has to completely put his foot down & insist MIL sells & moves. He is therefore going to pay.
MIL has also always had a tendency for emotional manipulation. She has said to my DD aged 3 "do you want to stay at my house?" When DD said no she said "why don't you love me?". She also announced in front of DD's face that she is only really interested in children until they are 3 or 4. I get on well with my SIL but she has a lot of self confidence & body image issues & it is very clear over time that these all stem from MIL.
This may read that I am being petty counting up the things she does wrong but I am trying to give a picture of her behaviour.
I think she is being very selfish over the money/house stuff. I also think she has some issues of her own that lead to the emotionally manipulative language. In lots of ways I feel quite sorry for her. But I don't really want to have a relationship with her anymore. I think everything that has been said & done over the last few months has destroyed any final positive feelings I had about her. I wouldn't want to stop her seeing the children but I don't really want her to be in a position to have influence over them especially as regards food/eating/body image.
Has anyone else ever coped with a very strained MIL relationship like this? Am I just a terrible DIL & I should find a way to get on with her? Currently I just don't know how to.

So, FIL wouldn't want her to move? OK. Point out that this is the same FIL that left her with a load of debt that she can't pay.

She said to your DD that she doesn't love her because she would be happy for her to lose her home? Would MIL rather your DD lost her home?

bTBH, I'd keep my child away from anyone who said that comment to them. That's a wicked thing to say to a child.

And I would divorce my DH if he put someone else's financial well being above me and our children like this. You MIL doesn't NEED this money. She wants it to maintain her lifestyle. And she will continue to ask. Stop it now.

You need to have a serious talk with your DH - having mil money is not his decision to make

Agree to what pp have said- if you can afford it- open up account in your own name and transfer same amount into it. If you can't,you need to stop paying for her lifestyle!

Your MIL and your DH are totally in the wrong for expecting your children to go without in order to prop up MIL's unsustainable lifestyle.

There are options :

MIL could take in lodgers , so that the house maintains itself
Your H and his sister look into buying a share of the property (though given the hassle someone on another thread has, may be more trouble than it's worth)
Your H and SIL help MIL look for a more manageable house.

You will never be able to throw enough money at this without starving your children and making them homeless.

I'm afraid it would be ultimatum time for DH. No way would I allow him to give our family money to his DM so she can live alone in a 5 bed house it's ridiculous. He needs to grow up and realise his priorities or he'd be out of the door. As for your MIL I'd just be honest with her re the NC, tell her why and tell her straight. Time to toughen up!

Next thing will be MIL finds it tooooo difficult to clean and maintain a five bedroom house and expects you all to help with the cleaning/maintenance plus paying for jobs you cannot fix. Soon you will all be going to her house regularly and have no time for yourselves.

Everyone is going to say the same thing really OP, which you know already as you feel the same. It seems that there is now a choice for you to make and it's tough, your DH has chosen to put his mother before his wife and children. If I were you now I see you have no option other than to tell your MiL what you think of her behaviour. Tell her what problems this is causing you and the strain it is putting on your marriage. You must tell her as your husband isn't being strong enough. Tell her that she can see the Grandchildren but that you will not be able to forgive her for her selfish behaviour and that you wish to have no other relationship with her now other than a civil few words when necessary in front of others. Show her that she can't walk all over you or manipulate you, take a stand.

Can you pay for her to live there for a short while, but with the understanding that she will downsize in a year or so? I realise it's terribly sad for her to have lost her husband, but really at any stage in life, you have to cut your cloth according to your circumstances. Also, it's really quite likely that a 5- bed detached will quickly become too much for an single person, particularly if they are older. It would be the ideal opportunity to move to suitable accommodation that can be adapted as she gets older, so that she can build a community around herself while still hale and hearty but have all the support she needs on hand (e.g. close local shops) for the future. However, I appreciate that this is a shift that she is reluctant to make - hence the need to give her a bit of time to get used to the idea.

Inertia I totally agree. I don't think any amount of money will be enough as MIL has always lived beyond her means.
I have kind of told DH I am having separate savings already. We don't have 1 shared account. Pay goes into each of our bank accounts then money goes into shared account for kids/house etc & we can do as we see fit with the rest. He is planning to give her a monthly amount. Maybe our set up is why I can tolerate the plan, but I am really scared MIL will use same means to get further money & DH has even suggested taking on a loan for her. I think that would be my line in the sand.

It needs to stop, a single person living in a 5 bed house is ridiculous. She needs to down size there is no way she will be able to maintain it on her own.
What happens when she becomes ill and perhaps needs nursing care, the house will be sold to pay for that care. Much better to sell it now move to a smaller house or flat.

Do him looking 'downhearted' was enough to make you change your (very well founded) objections? Does he afford you the same courtesy? No of course he doesn't.

Don't sleep walk into this - it's a catastrophic idea and you know it.

Also MIL does understand finances as she used to do the financial side for my FIL who was set up at a ltd company when he did freelance work post official retirement

The money wouldn't be an issue for us, I was able to financial support my mum for a bit from my money.

All income in household income and we budget for all household expenses. The difference is shared equally and in our separate current accounts which we are free to spend/save how we want with no discussion.

I wouldn't put up with the emotional shit being pulled on my child. I'd go lc except for occasional visits with my DD to protect her.

DH has even suggested taking on a loan for her.

You need to make it absolutely clear to him that this would be the final straw for you. I remember your last thread, your MIL is a selfish self-centred woman. Trust me on this one, whatever your DH does for her will never be enough, she will always be wanting more.

Jesus, your MIL is a narcissist thats for sure.

Its not your DH's responsibility to look after her, she is a grown woman and should have managed her finances properly.

The FOG that PP talk about on here is very common for with people like your MIL. Mine is the same.

After 3 years i have finally gone NC with my MIL. My dh is now LC with her after realising what she is like. The first year was tough, but its amazing how free you feel when toxic people are out of your life.

Good luck OP.

Your husband is being ridiculous imo.

"She got really angry & told DHhis father would never have said anything like that. "

Your husband isn't her husband but he's obviously as weak.

She needs to sell up & live within her means & hand outs won't make her do that.

She should be ashamed of asking for money & your husband should be ashamed to give it-so that she can get into more debt??

Your DH is mired in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) when it comes to his mother now and this state as well as his own inertia is hurting his own family unit.

His parents have always lived beyond their means and expect their adult children to keep bailing them out. Her late husband was her willing enabler and himself a weak man also.

TBH your DH giving her your family unit's money is basically chucking good after bad; its not going to make the problems go away permanently. Its basically putting off for now the inevitable financial collapse. Presumably she has no funds to maintain the upkeep of this house (I believe from the other thread she has also had a gardener paid for).

He has to change that habits of a lifetime and not give into such emotional blackmail. It is bloody hard for him to do that but he has to say enough; he could lose you over this issue all too easily.

I presume you come from a nice emotionally healthy family yourself and that is why you have stated that you would not want to stop her seeing the children. However, you are not and never have dealt with someone like his mother before now most likely so the rulebook regarding familial relations goes out the window.

I was wondering why you feel at all sorry for this woman anyway; this is after all someone who told your DD that she is only interested in children up to the age of 3 or 4. She needs to be now kept well away from your children (look at how she has damaged your DH; similar will happen to your children too). You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, family are no different.

You all need to stay well away from his mother and your own relationship with her should have ended long before now.

Is this the MIL with the paintings, jewellery and classic car?

Don't let him take out a loan!!!!!!!!!

She will bankrupt you.

To be honest, the only way that you can move forward here is to stop being so accommodating to your husband, because it's currently easier for him to give in to her whims and stand up against you. It might be worth sitting down with him and a financial advisor, to discuss how you can separate out your marital finances so that you and the children are not affected by your husband's willingness to saddle himself with debts which will be a millstone round his neck. Your husband might take the message on board if he is told by a professional exactly how foolish he is being.

It would be different if your MIL were genuinely in financial difficulty- none of us would see our parents out on the streets- but this isn't the case. She essentially wants to take food from the mouths of her grandchildren in order to have somebody else fund her mansion.

Inertia has it spot on I think.

Before we had children we bankrolled my MiL's holiday home, she has no mortgage on her own home and has savings also. DH had started helping her out when he was single and it just continued as he didn't want to say he didn't wish to use his money like that. We bought our own place and he still have her £XXX a month, I said that I would also like to give my parents £XXX amount a month and started booking them theatre tickets etc. He moaned about the money but I said it wasn't fair as his mother was far from destitute, so it only seemed fair they were treated equally. He only backed down after our first DC and his mum paying £9,000 out for double glazing. Would've paid for the holiday home for 3 years...
Tellingly he has 2 siblings who refused to contribute as "mum has more money that she lets on", but he just said they were tight. If it had continued it probably would've been the end of us, no way were our children going without.

anymore*
gave*

Bloody autocorrect.

Without knowing your MIL, I feel that she is being unreasonable to extract money from her children.

But I do not think it is all cut and dried. Moving from the home where you brought up your family and where your friends are is a tough one if you have been left on your own. I think she has the right to make the choice to stay if it is the right thing for her; but not to make that decision conditional upon her family forking out cash for it.

With 5 bedrooms she could choose to take in a lodger to supplement her income and make her decision to stay viable.

Even if you have your separate money, if the situation doesn't change you will end up using it to make up the shortfall in your family income. You and your DC will still be affected by him shovelling off money to his DM every month. I think you need to be strong and tell him enough is enough and you can't subsidise his mother's way of life. If he does this, there will be no end to it so it will end up driving you apart anyway.

She sounds manipulative and unfair. You might all get to share an inheritance from her eventually, thus recouping the money, but someone like that could do something daft in her will and money go to the dogs home or similar.
You need to detach imv, leave DH to deal with it. If it's early days since DFIL passed away you might find she changes with time and considers downsizing. Does she have any siblings or friends who she could move to be near? Does she have a solicitor who dealt with DFIL's stuff whom she might take advice from?