I am a regular on here but have changed my name for this thread...
DH and I have been married for nearly 19 years, and have two children aged 10 and 8. DH and I have had a pretty good relationship over the years although I have always loathed his temper. (He has never hit me or the kids so that's not an issue). Until about 3.5 yrs ago, I was DH's "rock" (in his words) - I worked full-time in a very senior role, earned a damn good salary, paid for almost everything, enabling DH to go part-time and become self-employed.
And then it all came tumbling down. I had a nervous breakdown - brought on by too many years of burning the candle at both ends, an extremely stressful job, missing my children, my mother's advanced breast cancer, and various other things. About 5 months later, in the depths of severe depression, I found that I had breast cancer and had a lump removed. In the meantime, DH became very close to one of our close friends, culminating in me finding them kissing. They swore that nothing else had happened and we never really saw her again. I ended up being hospitalised for several weeks (because of the depression), and in the midst of all this, DH rings me up to tell me that I've "changed so much, [he's] not really sure [he] loves me anymore".
So after bl**dy months of my individual therapy, we go to Relate. The message seems to be we need to communicate more, cuddle more and have more sex. We stop going to Relate because DH doesn't like the therapist. We try a private counsellor but DH decides he can't do anymore talking (talking, particularly about his emotions, is not his strong point). We struggle on. My depression comes and goes. My medication gets increased. Sex, and the low frequency of it, remains an issue (ie DH wants more and I'm not attracted to him)
And gradually I become better - I start to feel like I'm human again. I begin to like myself for the first time in years. I start to enjoy things again. I pick up a paintbrush for the first time in years and realise how much I've missed it.
I've realised, and DH agrees (I think) that I cannot work again, certainly not in a pressured job. (I have tried and my depression returned with a vengeance). We have very little money. But I'm happy with that. DH, on the other hand, is having to work much harder than he used to and now has all the bread-winning responsibility on his shoulders. His "rock" is now a little bit fragile, and not quite the all-conquering superwoman he married.
The thing is (and if you've got this far, I congratulate you) I don't think I love him anymore. I mean, what is love anyway? He can barely say anything kind towards me, can barely do anything for me without me asking for it, he doesn't much like talking and often just says he's tired and goes to bed early. And yet when I want to go to bed early, he complains about us living like an old married couple. I don't 'fancy' him. I enjoy sex when it happens with him, but I'm happy to go without. I look at him and wonder why I'm still with him.
Except I know the answer (or I think I know). I don't want to upset the kids. I love our house (and we'd have to sell it if we split). I keep thinking, we'll get through this, we'll muddle on and somehow it'll be alright, we've got through so much already. But it's just the same old, same old. I want someone who can put strong, loving and dependable arms around me, who can support me (yes, both emotionally AND financially), who will understand depression or at least believe that it's not my fault I've had depression.
I've started standing up for myself much more now, and I've come to see that his moods bring me down. I don't want to be down. I want to feel happy. But he accuses me of wanting to live in la-la land, and that I'm just naive. I'm well, I'm thriving but we just seem to be growing apart.
Any ideas?