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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dp looked up old flame on Facebook.

36 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 17/10/2016 19:21

and i am not ok with it. Hmm

i know people do this and its no more than curiosity but i am really upset by it.

He said he was looking up people he knew from the past which i know to be true as old friends have contacted him. Maybe thats what started it off?

But why now? we have been together 24 years.

When i pulled him on it he got annoyed and has deleted his fb account. Or rather taken it off his phone.

I have been less sexual in recent years die to medication and working long hours but id say our sex life is healthy. He does comment though. Is this why maybe??

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/10/2016 19:22

If that was the reason why would you be OK with it ?

MaybeDoctor · 17/10/2016 19:25

I do the occasional 'curiosity google', more to see what old friends are doing professionally, but I think Facebook is a bit more of a problem as there is an easy means of getting in touch.

Simonneilsbeard · 17/10/2016 19:25

I can understand to a point why this might concern you. I have looked up childhood friends and old boyfriends on Facebook..doesn't mean I don't love my husband it was just curiousity, downright nosiness if I'm honest! Blush wondering how they are, what their lives are like and what they're up to ..I think it's normal!
If things are generally ok in your relationship I wouldn't worry too much x

nicenewdusters · 17/10/2016 19:27

Given the time that has passed it seems pretty innocent, particularly as you know it's been prompted by his being contacted by old friends. We're nearly all curious about our ex's, doesn't have to mean anything.

Can't imagine the physical side of your relationship is linked to this. Or it is if you think he was hoping to hook up with her for sex? Seems unlikely.

TealGiraffe · 17/10/2016 19:27

Unless there is a massive backstory i wouldnt worry. I search for people i havent seen for years. They might just pop into my head one day and i think 'wonder what happened to them' and search them. Including exes.

If it is just this isuue on its own, let it go

Diamogs · 17/10/2016 19:29

I'm on the fence on this one - I have a number of ex-boyfriend's on Facebook - it is just a way of keeping in touch without really keeping in touch. It means nothing but is nice to see how they are getting on.

OTOH XH got in touch with his ex and started an EA - hence now being my XH.

It's not so much looking them up it is the intent behind it.

ByeByeLilSebastian · 17/10/2016 19:29

I think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill if it is as simple as that.

I've looked up my ex before. I'd never want to go back to him and am more than happy with dh. I'm just nosey.

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 17/10/2016 19:30

i know i know - i told him.it was ok. and im trying to be ok with it. i trust him 100%

OP posts:
SweetN0thing · 17/10/2016 19:35

I look up people I used to know all the time on fb, including exes, pure nosiness. It doesn't mean anything, I wouldn't dream of even messaging them let alone trying to meet with them. I don't think you have anything to worry about. Everyone knows the only reason anyone has Facebook is to enable nosiness!

FelicityGubbins · 17/10/2016 19:40

I've been married a very long time and I recently tried a Facebook search for an ex of mine, simply because I heard a name similar to his and it got me wondering if my ex was actually as fat and bald as I'd always assumed he would end up. I would rather stab myself in the eyes than ever be close enough to him to see him in the flesh.

ByeByeLilSebastian · 17/10/2016 19:40

Is he one of the good ones or is there a backstory that's making you nervous?

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 17/10/2016 19:44

he is def one of the good ones Grin im being silly and a tad hypocritical doesn't help that he has her fucking name tattooed badly on his arm Angry

OP posts:
leaveittothediva · 17/10/2016 19:45

Am I the only one that couldn't give a rats arse how any of my ex partners are doing, or what their lives are like. Mine are ex for good reason. I'd rather put the effort into my life now.

eternalopt · 17/10/2016 19:48

I've done it. In fact, I spotted that he had "liked" a certain wedding photographer so I looked them up too and had a nosy at his wedding pics on the photographer's blog and took great pleasure at the fact that the woman he cheated on me with had not aged well! Just pure nosiness and idle internet clicking. Doesn't mean I would go anywhere near him again or that I love my DH any less.

Montane50 · 17/10/2016 20:10

If it was only a 'stalk' id say no harm done. If contact was made by either side thats a bit more serious. My dp accepted a friend request from an ex female colleague and i told him exactly why i thought it was unacceptable (so he deleted her), but hes so gormless he was just being naive-im sure thats the same with your dp x

HughLauriesStubble · 18/10/2016 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheNaze73 · 18/10/2016 10:21

I cannot see the problem.

moomoome · 18/10/2016 10:26

i look them up occassionally just so i know where they are and so i can keep well away!!!!!

hellsbellsmelons · 18/10/2016 10:39

So in 24 years he's never had her name covered?
That seems very odd indeed.

I look up my ex's every now and then.

plimsolls · 18/10/2016 10:45

I look up people out of curiosity all the time, including the exes I am no longer in contact with.

If you've been married 24 years, this "old flame" must be completely extinguished (to continue the metaphor!) and I'd be surprised if you had anything to worry about.

Realistically, if there are problems in your marriage and he is tempted to stray, I doubt he'd start by using Facebook to contact an ex girlfriend from over 24 years ago.

Therefore, I'd say that the FB thing is innocent and not linked to any fears you'd have about your relationship/sex life.

MackerelOfFact · 18/10/2016 10:49

Surely everyone does this? Blush If I'm wide awake in the middle of the night and nothing is happening on MN, I often look up people from my past on FB - exes, people who bullied me at school, old teachers, childhood penpals, people I went to Brownies with - any random people whose name I remember but haven't seen in decades and have no desire to contact! It's just nosiness, wondering what they're up to - I'd never contact any of them.

Flingmoo · 18/10/2016 10:54

I look up my exes maybe once a year, it's pure nosiness, as I find it interesting to see where they've got to in life! Unless he's actually been in touch I wouldn't be too worried.

Branleuse · 18/10/2016 11:07

I think most people do it and it means nothing

TempusEedjit · 18/10/2016 11:24

Did he delete FB in a strop or because you asked him to? If was in a strop I'd feel a bit worried about such a dramatic overreaction (unless you yourself were ott in raising it with him).

Why has he never covered over his ex's name? That would bother me tbh.

worldsworstchildren · 18/10/2016 11:42

I 'speak' to one or two exes via fb every few months or so. I always mention it in passing to my husband because I have nothing to hide.

My first love and I also reminisced about how nice our relationship was (late teens) but that's all it was -nostalgia. Mentioned it to my husband that night. I'm glad they're happy in their lives as I am in mine.

Would only be a problem for me if there are other trust issues