Would you class me a cheat?

[Movedonnow]

Things have been going downhill with my husband for over a year. We have yoyng children and he wants me to give up my career and stay home with them. There have been countless arguments over money. He is very controlling. At the start of this year I realised that he would never change and that if I wasn't happy then it's up to me to do something about it. Over the last 6 months our arguments have escalated to the point where I have said our relationship is over. Whilst he has seemed to be in agreement he has tormented me over the fact I have nowhere to go and that, for the moment at least, I am stuck in the same house as him. I sleep on the sofa when I can, but this is very uncomfortable and i end up back in the marital bed as we have no spare bed or room for a put-me-up. We do not have a physical relationship. Mentally, this relationship ended for me a long time ago. As I say, my husband seemed to agree at the time of our big disagreement, but in between rants he seems to think things are back to normal, even though I tell him they aren't. It's like, because I have stayed in the house with him (even though I have nowhere else to go) he thinks everything is fine. So onto my question - I have met someone else. He knows my situation at home. We have slept together once. I don't like the situation I am in, but feel trapped. I want to move out and make a clean break but can't afford to. My husband does not seem to be accepting that the marriage is over, despite my coldness and statements to that fact. He seems to be relishing the power he has over my life. I wish I hadn't met this new chap so soon, but I have. I've had so many unhappy years, the thought of giving him up just because my husband won't let me go is heartbreaking.

It takes more than saying a relationship is over to be separated.

From what I've read you've done nothing to officially separate so in effect you're in a dead marriage but not seperated and have therefore cheated.

It doesn't matter at all whether you cheated or not. Your marriage is over. You both know that.

Your H sounds like a controlling twat.

No, you have not cheated.

You do need to get yourself out of this situation though.

Get yourself to a solicitor for advice ASAP regarding housing and getting on with a divorce. Depending on your situation you may not necessarily have to move out.

It would not pass the phone call test. If your new man called your DH to confirm the separation, your DH would say, "No, we are not separated, it is not over, we are in the same house and in the same bed."

Yes you cheated - if the relationship was over you should have moved out. You must have somewhere to go even if it's not ideal - friends, family or a cheap rental
He sounds horrible but you sound spineless

I've seen a few threads where the OP (female) is in a similar situation, except that the husband is the one still living there and carrying on with a OW. In all of these threads, posters advise kicking him out asap. Yet here, people are defending the OP and telling her it's 'not cheating'.

The children should come first. Seriously buggered up priorities here.

Your husband sounds incredibly financially abusive. No wonder you're fed up. If you work part time, can you go to see a solicitor on one of your days off? If you can get the deposit for a rental, you will get financial help for paying the rent (I think). You may also be entitled to childcare support.

If the abuse gets worse and you're frightened, you might be best to contact your local womens aid/refuge/ other DVA service and see if they can help re accommodation.

Good luck op. And fwiw, I don't think you have cheated. You've ended the relationship and have agreed you'll stay in the house due to finances. The relationship is over.

Of course it's cheating ffs! Move out, separate your finances then fuck who you want - until that happens your are cheating. Your are still financially a couple? You do not get income support etc for being a single parent? Tax credits as a single parent? You are still a married couple. Until that changes keep your knickers on.

Does it matter if you've cheated? In the situation you describe the question I'd be asking is how you can take steps to live separately. Who you are shagging is not the salient issue in your relationship.

Do people realise exactly how hard it is to find somewhere to live when you are a single parent with no savings (because of the financially abusive twat you are living with)?

I had 6 months rent in advance but because I was going to have to rely on benefits I was told the word 'no' more times than I care to remember.

OP - if you have separated but are still under the same roof you can still claim tax credits etc. I'd call Women's Aid to see what help and support you can get. He is bring abusive (wanting you to not work and then expecting you to cover all childcare costs because he doesn't want you to work is financial abuse and coercive control)

Your husband sounds like a cunt but it is still possible to cheat on a cunt

Would you be safe if you told him had slept with someone else ? I would do that and see how the cards fell (if you would not be in physical danger from him).

Unless he is also sleeping with others, you are deceiving him and no matter how bad his own behaviour, that is cheating

I don't think much of your new bloke either

No you have not cheated

You are separated

A lot of cheaters out there if every still married couple can't have sex with their new partners despite having been separated form there husbands/wives, in some cases for years as sometimes people choose not to et divorced

It doesn't make you a cheater

Cheating is not really the point here, I mean really who cares, you have bigger fish to fry. Get to a solicitor, have the conversation again with your idiot OH and tell him it's over or yes if it's safe go apocalyptic and tell him you've cheated if it serves your purpose.

Tell the other dude to back off for a while whilst you sort your life out if that's tolerable to you. Easier said that done but if he loves you he will give you the space to do that.

When you talk about debt preventing you from moving forward what do you mean?

unless he is sleeping with others?!

So it's ok for her to sleep with someone else only if he is?

It's ok for her to sleep with someone else if they are separated.
He might not have a new partner yet.

I certainly wouldn't wait around for two exes to both find partners as mutually convenient times for you to both be having sex at the same time

Ridiculous point of view

She is being abused by her oh the cheating is irrelevant

It isn't cheating. There needs to be a relationship in the first place to be cheated on. But this is the least of your worries. You need to sort your life out without the addition of another person into the mix, even if that person makes you feel better momentarily.

It's not a ridiculous pov to not lie to someone(and lying by omission is still lying) He may not even want to shag other people but at least if she tells him she is it's a level playing field and he gets the opportunity if he wishes

If it is safe to do so

Well it sounds like cheating to me.

It's all well and good saying it's over, but you've not taken any steps to actually end the relationship beyond that. You still share finances in the same way (him paying mortgage and bills, you paying childcare), you share a bed, and both seem to intend to trundle along as a married couple just without sex.

Why don't you tell your husband you've been seeing someone else?

I absolutely agree though. The cheating is simply muddying the waters. And tbh, if she really wants to divorce, it will complicate and not simplify matters. If he is such an arse hole, she just gave him the stick to beat her with

Unfair, yes. But this is how some people's minds work I am afraid. No matter how shitty her H's behaviour the lasting impression will be that she cheated and professional victims just love that shit

Op, you are probably playing right into his hands I am afraid. You will end up the Bad Guy here and he will paint it like his shit don't stink

Your choice if you want to hand him the ammunition. I wouldn't.

From the poverty of benefits etc 'separated but in the same house' requires you to have separate finances, and not cook/clean/otherwise function as a together household. So an air bed in the lounge it is, plus a pump, about £25 from Argos.
And a solicitor because you are going to have to force the sale of the house by the sounds of it. If he ramps up the awful coercive control then contact Women's Aid and if they offer you a place in a Refuge, take it. If the new man is at all decent he'll wait out the next 6 months until you are at least more free than you currently are. Treat this as your catalyst moment.

Autocorrect - pov (point of view) NOT poverty.

It's not easy leaving a buggered up relationship without any cash, but it's doable.

The OP would be entitled to various benefits as a single parent while she establishes herself.

Sleeping with another man while remaining financially dependent on her ex partner is not putting the children first.

Agree with AF - if it's safe to do so, be honest about the other guy (although I'd be wary about pinning any hopes on him - he has entered into a relationship with a woman in a very precarious situation - what does that say about him?). Are you happy for ex to pursue new relationships while in this domestic arrangement?

Given how controlling he is financially I doubt telling the ExH is a safe thing to do at all.

Of course it isn't cheating. You've ended your relationship. MN is mental sometimes.

I would use this as a wake up call to extricate yourself thoroughly from the marriage.

For what it's worth, I don't consider you a cheat