Would you class me a cheat?

[Movedonnow]

Things have been going downhill with my husband for over a year. We have yoyng children and he wants me to give up my career and stay home with them. There have been countless arguments over money. He is very controlling. At the start of this year I realised that he would never change and that if I wasn't happy then it's up to me to do something about it. Over the last 6 months our arguments have escalated to the point where I have said our relationship is over. Whilst he has seemed to be in agreement he has tormented me over the fact I have nowhere to go and that, for the moment at least, I am stuck in the same house as him. I sleep on the sofa when I can, but this is very uncomfortable and i end up back in the marital bed as we have no spare bed or room for a put-me-up. We do not have a physical relationship. Mentally, this relationship ended for me a long time ago. As I say, my husband seemed to agree at the time of our big disagreement, but in between rants he seems to think things are back to normal, even though I tell him they aren't. It's like, because I have stayed in the house with him (even though I have nowhere else to go) he thinks everything is fine. So onto my question - I have met someone else. He knows my situation at home. We have slept together once. I don't like the situation I am in, but feel trapped. I want to move out and make a clean break but can't afford to. My husband does not seem to be accepting that the marriage is over, despite my coldness and statements to that fact. He seems to be relishing the power he has over my life. I wish I hadn't met this new chap so soon, but I have. I've had so many unhappy years, the thought of giving him up just because my husband won't let me go is heartbreaking.

I wouldn't over analyse whether you have cheated, it is what it is. You are not sleeping with 2 men at once, so I don't think you're cheating in the typical sense. I had to stay in the marital home for 6 months, after I told my ExH that I was leaving him. I slept in the spare room. During this time, I did sleep with another man. I was in a desperate place and I forgive myself.

Anyway, back to you....you need to sort out a way to leave this house. It may be that you have to sell it and split the proceeds (equity), and that will enable you to buy/rent somewhere else.

With regards to your new man, I am a little worried that he is accepting of your set up. Be prepared for the fact that he may not want to be with you when you are "free", perhaps he is a commitment phobe, and you being where you are may suit him very well. I hope that isn't the case (it was the case for me, as in the guy I was seeing withdrew as soon as I had secured a new home). On the flip side, if he really likes you and does want to be with you, he isn't going to tolerate you staying where you are and sometimes sharing the bed with your STBXH (although I'm guessing he doesn't know that part).

You've said your relationship is over, and you would be separated if you could. So no, I don't think you are a cheat.

However, you can afford to move out. Contact Women's Aid and Citizens Advice about your entitlement to benefits and maintenance. Alternatively, take steps to get your husband out.

You'll possibly be better off once you do split, if you're having to pay all the childcare costs at present?

Unless you had both decided to have an open relationship, or you had actually called time on the marriage, then yes, technically you cheated.

You need to separate.

I know of a couple who DID say they were having an open relationship, but it turned out that one half of them wasn't quite as keen on the other half having the open relationship as at first seemed - and when that other half DID sleep with someone else, it ended the marriage.

You've told him it's over, he is choosing not to accept that. So I don't think I'd consider it cheating. Sharing an home and a bed isn't an indicator. I frequently don't share a bed with my loud snoring husband, doesn't make our marriage any less real or us any less together. So I don't think those things are really relevant.

For those who say it is because of those things, if she had kicked him out and he refused to go and every night got into bed with her, despite her asking him not to, would that mean she has to still consider herself married?

However, my one litmus test would be, have you told both parties about the other. If not then I'd say that YOU consider it cheating.

Your husband is not stopping you going, what a load of rubbish to justify sleeping with somebody else.

You could have left at any point but won't as you need his salary to subsidise you working part time. You've had ample time to find your own place, up your hours etc.

Sheldon did you read that her husband insists on her paying the childcare costs in their entirety from her salary alone?
Given that they are his children too, I'd say she is subsidising him. He must have substantially more disposable income than her. No wonder she can't afford to move out.

To my way of thinking you've not cheated. You're stuck in an awful situation.

I think a trip to a solicitor to find out the way forward is the order of the day.

As for the other chap. He knows the situation. He's a grown up. It's up to him if he's willing to sit and wait for you.

No, I wouldn't class this as cheating, although I doubt your husband would agree with me.

However, I think you're barking-mad to embark on a new relationship, and have it progress to intimacy in your current circumstances. This won't solve anything and is unlikely to last long-term in any case. The emotional damage your husband has done to you needs to be undone once you're physically away from him.

Leave then. Sorry, but you can't have your cake and eat it. Plenty of single mums going it alone. It's tough, but we do it. Does your husband know about the other man? Why are you keeping it a secret? Seems as though you are using one while hoping the other will rescue you.

Morally no; legally yes.

And I would be careful about getting involved with another man whilst there is so much turmoil in your personal life - especially one who is accepting of your current situation. I am single and will only date divorced, widowed or single men.... no one who is still married even if they are 'separated' ... tooo messy ...

Spend your energy on resolving this miserable situation with your current husband

To me it's 'cheating'if it involves deliberately lying (or misleading) someone by not admitting to the new relationship.

If you have told your STBXH that the marriage is absolutely definitely over, then you have no reason not to tell him that you are now starting a new relationship. It may help him accept that you mean it.

If OTOH, the new relationship has involved misleading your STBXH then in my book it probably is cheating. But frankly, cheating is the least of your problems. You are not being fair to your STBXH by letting him think there is some kind of relationship if you are sleeping in the same bed and not getting legal advice.

Tale some action for everybody's sake.

The other man and is it is is it not an affair are completely irrelevant. Sort your marriage out.

Separate sleeping arrangements
See a solicitor - even if you have to take unpaid leave this is essential.
Do not give up work.
Start separating the finances
Start getting the paperwork sorted
Stop dating for 6 mths to sort your own life out.

Mess it is but feign illness or whatever it needs to go and see a solicitor and then you can make plans to move forward as this isn't how it all should be :(

For you, him, and most important the children involved.

These days its no matter who cheated/ shagged who/ whatever the marriage is over and the divorce process will look at the children's needs first and in your situation your potential ex hubby might not be so gloating when more that likely you will have the home and support etc.

BUT SEE A SOLICITOR AND SOON!

Take away the kids and you have my first marriage.
You've told him it's over therefore you're not cheating. I'd urge caution though - the first guy I went for was an out of the frying pan into the fire situation. It too, some time of me being alone and being ok with that before I got to the good one (DH)

OP. If you separate then you will still have to pay all of the childcare costs on your own, although you may get help with tax credits. Once you are separated, you can get maintenance from him.

You say you can't afford to move out, however if you want to make a fresh start and end your marriage, then that is what you need to do. Start looking for rental places, work out your budget for rent, with your income and any tax credits etc, and see what you can do.

If your H is 100% aware that the marriage is over, then you have not cheated. If however, as you mention, he seems to think it isn't , then in his eyes, you will have cheated.

However, if it is over with your H, then you need to be out of the marital bed and move out of the marital home if he won't go. I know it is difficult, but you can take control of your own life. If you must stay in the property, then your H needs to know 100% that his marriage is over for good.

I don't regard it as cheating. You've said the marriage is over, DH is refusing to accept it. But you can't share the marital bed in that case - it gives all the wrong signals, symbolically speaking at least. The fact that your DH regards all the childcare costs as entirely your responsibility because it was your choice to work beggars belief. Do people really think like this nowadays? I think you need to separate as quickly as possible from your DH and be in separate spaces. Find a solicitor.

I thinking you are gnawing the wrong bone.

You believe yourself to be separated. Your husband... not so much.

You have young children in what is an already tense home. Potentially about to become a high tension home, if your "I believe we are still a couple" husband discovers you have been having sex with another man.

Your kids need you to concentrate.

-Concentrate on finding a way to get them out (or your husband out) of a tense/potential high tension home life.

-Concentrate on meeting their needs as they transistion, perhaps painfully, from one family set up to another.

You can't concentrate on making a priority of your children's needs if you are choosing instead to prioritise your personal wants, namely the distraction of the early flush of romance, or newly minted sexual tension.

Forget "Am I cheating ?"

Focus on "Am I be taking the first steps to letting my children down badly?"

Alternatively, take steps to get your husband out.

Until divorce and finances are settled he doesn't have to go anywhere.

You can't undo what has happened, and the best thing is to figure out what is next and how your new circumstances will work.

Relate have advice on separation and divorce, and you can contact them here.

Check out an online benefits calculator to see if you would get help with childcare costs plus you'd get maintenance you can get an ivo for debts in your name. It's not that hard to leave it's just getting two months rent for the deposit and month in advance and you can force a sale on the house. I don't think you cheated you're separated

You haven't cheated.

But he could file for divorce on adultery grounds if he were so inclined.

It's still a messy situation though.

You need to ask HIM to move out

If he moves out she has to cover the mortgage benefits won't help. You can get housing benefit though for rent.