ex boyfriend

[Christmas92]

Hi I wanted to ask for your thoughts and advice. My ex boyfriend has made contact with me on Facebook. We have split up for 4 years now. We don't have kids and have started to move on from him. I feel like I still love him but he was quite emotional abusive in the relationship. He would get jealous thinking I liked his friends and the police were called from neighbours as he used to fight with his friends and trash our house. He could be quite nasty the things he said. He said he has been for counselling and he's different now as he's grown up a lot. We had some good times as well and I feel like I still really love him. The abuse escalated and he tried to make me do a sexual act that I didn't want to do. I had told him clearly a few times that I didn't want to do it. He kept trying to push me forcefully. I managed to get away though and he said sorry. I still feel like I love him though. Do you think the counselling and the time passed will have helped him?

In a word "no" not in any way that would make it a good idea for you to get back with him. Find someone who doesn't need anger or behaviour management. Someone who is not a sex abuser. You can do better than him. Block him and continue with the moving on, away from him.

I would be extremely wary if I were you op. It's been 4 years, ideally I would say forget him and get on with your life. I think you'll be very worried about old behaviours reoccurring if you get back together. Perhaps he might be able to change but I worry that getting back into a relationship with the person he abused would see him easily slipping back to his old ways. He may have grown up in that time, but he's still the same man, I don't truly believe anyone changes that much with age.

If you were to risk reconciliation it would need to be strictly on your terms. Do you think you now have the strength of character to deal with his demands, or end things when/if he slips? Why are you still pining for an abusive arse? I find it worrying that you would still want someone who treated you like that and think it would be too easy for him to manipulate you in to doing exactly what he wants. Perhaps that's why he's back sniffing around - no one else will put up with his shit.

Don't go back there.
He was abusive in many ways.
Abusers who have counselling and attend courses very rarely improve.
Some do but others just don't change or learn to abuse in different ways.
Why put yourself through that again.
From what you say he has a fundamental hatred towards women.
That won't have changed.

At the time I talked to my friend about it and my friend reported it to the police. He was then arrested. He told me everyone found out and he lost his job. I can't help feeling so guilty that I caused that to happen to him. The police arrested him for rape but now I think he was my boyfriend and I don't think it was rape and I can't help feeling very bad that he was arrested and all his friends and family knew. I said sorry to him but i feel so bad about myself. He said he feels bad for the things he did and he put another friend of mine through he'll when he kicked off one time and she had to witness it. He said he loves me and I feel like I still love him as he could be really funny and nice.

Are you a glutton for punishment ?

You're seriously going to walk right into the arms of a man who you know to be an abuser, who has abused you, when you have 4 years of distance between you, 4 years of hard work getting over it, nothing left between you preventing you from protecting yourself from him, and you want to walk right into this with your eyes wide open because you still love him??

Have a very strong word with yourself. Your emotions are not the boss of you. They don't get to destroy you. You're not a slave to the fickle whims of your "heart"; it is not to be obeyed at all costs, even if you know it's going to fuck your life up! That "love" is just the lingering memory of a bad mistake and lesson learned. It's meaningless. Tell it to get back in its box and start looking for a love that serves you.

Sorry, but no way in hell.

I can't help feeling so guilty that I caused that to happen to him
Definitely do NOT give this another go.
He did a right number on you for you to even think this.
YOU caused nothing.
HE attempted to rape you.
HE caused himself to be arrested.
HE has brainwashed you into thinking this is your fault.
Do NOT ever ever get back this vile abusive rapist!
Don't do it to yourself.

Do however, contact Womens Aid.

Enrol on their Freedom Programme and attend the course.
You need it and you need it quick!
0808 2000 247 - now!!!!

Oh wow. He was my boyfriend and i don't think it was rape.

The abuse escalated and he tried to make me do a sexual act that I didn't want to do. I had told him clearly a few times that I didn't want to do it. He kept trying to push me forcefully. I managed to get away though and he said sorry. I still feel like I love him though.
boyfriend or not it WAS rape or at least attempted!!

• if you was to walk back into this relationship you would be an absolute idiot, abusers do NOT a stop abusing no matter how many years it's been

Omg will you listen to yourself. You are very much still the victim here. How can you possibly feel sorry for him? If you take him back you need your bumps read.

You asked the question and have been told the same very good advice from us all. Ignore it at your peril.

Do you really believe that a husband or boyfriend can't be guilty of rape, REALLY? I despair!

Counselling my arse. You really think he's been in extensive counselling?

Look people shouting at you on here might scare you (off here rather than off him!) but it's done from care - objectively, I promise you he has not changed and this is a bad idea.

Could you just do one thing though? Could you delay your decision (just ignore him) until you've talked through what he was like with Women's Aid?

If he really has changed, then just waiting a month and talking to them won't hurt, will it?

I'm a bit confused. You said you managed to get away. But then he was arrested for rape.

So either he didn't rape you, but you said he did.

Or he did rape you, and you think you might go back to him regardless.

Either way, I think you need counselling, as none of this is normal.

If he was arrested and charged with rape, and you do get back with him, won't everyone think you were lying?

Anyway, NO, do not go back to him. There are literally billions of men in the world. Why risk it?

We had sex, he was rough with me and he wasn't before and I said to my friend about him pulling my hair and pushing me to get me to do something and I told him during it was happening and also talked to him before about I didn't like doing that act. I said it didn't feel right as he was rough and my friend reported it and I had to say what happened in detail and they arrested him and he was on bail for months. I feel so bad I have said sorry to him and he wants me to tell his friends and family I made a false allegation against him.

Did you 'pre-agree' to the roughness?
Did you have a safe-word should you not like it?
No you did not!
Because it's not what you wanted.
But he inflicted it on you anyway without your consent and you said no!
And he continued anyway!
That, unfortunately, is rape!
If you really need clarification for your piece of mind then please do call rape crisis and discuss it with them.
They can help you decipher what it was if you really aren't understanding all this.

I feel so bad I have said sorry to him and he wants me to tell his friends and family I made a false allegation against him.

Christmas, in the kindest possible way you must do no such thing. That would be lying. Lying because you were not the one to make an allegation, and lying because the things you said were not untrue.

Something happened, you were honest about it when asked, people did their jobs as a result of what happened to you; exactly as you and they should have done. If he ended up with negative consequences as a result it is not his place to make it your fault. HE is responsible for his actions, and everything that came as a result of them is NOT your doing.

...are we to take it you've been exchanging messages with him since he contacted you on FB?

Yes I replied I wanted to reply to say sorry I didn't want him to be arrested and his friends and family to find out. I feel like I overreacted and wish I hadn't told anyone. I was relieved at the time to get away from him but the more time goes on the more awful I feel.

Well there you have the reason he contacted you - he can't bear the fact that his friends and family know that he raped / attempted to rape you and wants you to tell them you lied so that it "goes away" and he can pretend that he was never that person. Are you really going to fall for this?

christmas have you thought about having counselling yourself?

To even be contemplating a return to this terrible relationship suggests you don't think very much of yourself. You have friends who clearly care enough about you to report this- you come across as a very sweet person. You're worth more than this.

Returning to this relationship would be like saying- yes, I want to be shouted at, forced to perform sexual acts I don't want to, have my house trashed, and hurt your friends and family by subjecting them to this abusive man.

Oh Christmas

I can't help but thinking that after 4 years you're still so vulnerable to what happened between you and this man; old wounds have been opened up so easily and so deeply.

It's not that that's unusual; someone popping up unexpectedly can bring old feelings right back to the surface and it can throw your head all over the place! Sometimes they're happy memories and it makes you feel good! ...do you feel good right now? You sound like his message has only made you feel worse, and plunged you back into guilt and self doubt. I promise you that is just the start if you put yourself back in that place again.

This is behind you now. It's all behind you. Don't give it another thought. For what it's worth not one single person here is going to tell you you did anything wrong, not because we're all misguided people-pleasers, but because it's TRUE. Don't go back there. Put it in a box, block him from your life in every possible way you can, and please allow yourself to move on. You really can and you really deserve to.

christmas have you thought about having counselling yourself?

I agree with this Christmas. Build yourself up. There are people you can talk to who can help you not be vulnerable to this sort of blow. How were you feeling about things before this guy got in touch?

I feel scared because I told him I'm sorry and he said he forgives me he might show all his friends and family the message and he could report me.

You can block him. You said "sorry"- you didn't say "I lied".

How much better would you feel if you never had to think or worry about this again?

No, Christmas, he's not going to report you. You're allowed to say you're sorry, it doesn't mean anything. It just means you're a nice person who feels bad that someone went through a bad time; it doesn't mean you're saying you did something wrong, and it doesn't for one second mean you did do something wrong.

Whilst he didn't deserve the kindness of your apology I understand why you did it. You seem very thoughtful and considerate Christmas but you need to look after yourself right now; he has not and he will not show you the same kindness. He isn't sitting thinking "god, I hope it wasn't too bad for Christmas, that time I tried to make her do that thing. She must have been frightened - frightened that I could do that to her - someone she trusted. I feel so bad about that, I really need to tell her I'm sorry. Actually no, that's probably the last thing she wants, to hear from me, someone who scared and upset her and meant she had to explain everything to the police. She probably needs me to leave her alone and let her get on with her life; that would be the kindest thing I could do". He's not thinking that, is he!

He's not going to report you, and literally no-one he could show who cares about you will think anything bad about you for a second, but you need to put yourself in a position where he can't get into your head like this.

Are those friends that were there with you through it all, are they still around? is there someone you can talk to?

I have blocked him now he doesn't know where I live or my phone number.

Good on you Christmas, I bet that took a lot of courage!

For what it's worth I could give you a massive high-five right now. I know it doesn't feel like it but you've just given yourself a massive gift in blocking him. How do you feel about it?

He has no remorse for assaulting you. Feel no guilt. Your guilt is probably humiliation feelings - it's common for abused people to feel guilt as you'll rather blame yourself than believe someone could be so degradingly cruel to you.

Glad to hear you've blocked this dangerous individual. My guess is he is starting a new relationship, the gf has found out about the assault and he wants you to say it never happened. But it did. He did it. Don't reframe it as not really being that bad.

Did you get any therapy for trauma you suffered whilst you were with him? The smashing up of your house, the sexual assault - all very traumatic events that you might not have worked through yet. That's why you are confusing your feelings of shame with feelings of guilt. It's not your fault he behaved that way.