Do I owe it to my family to try counselling

[essieestherson]

Please be gentle here...

I found out in March that my husband had visited a erotic masseuse.. (I was 6 months pregnant at the time with our 3rd) after a lot of thought I decided to try again with him.

About a month ago I saw that he had made another appointment with a prostitute.. he says he didn't go but I'm not too sure!

Anyway since then I have seen that he has been calling/texting these women for at least the last 3 years!

Obviously I have left him, he is absolutely devastated. He is pleading for me to give him a chance to change.. he says he will do anything.

I have told him that I am not willing to do that, that it is 100% over.

I just really want clarification that I am doing the right thing. He sister says he was messed up as a child, he has so many different issues and he is willing to go to counselling for sex addiction/lying etc.

Do I owe it to my family to give him a chance to see if the counselling can sort his issues or am I just being too kind and do I just need to stand my ground and move on...

He can go for counselling if he wants. You have no obligation at all. He's had a problem for 3 years that you know if and chose not to get help. He got caught and chose not to get help. He could have helped himself way before now. He chose not to. I suspect he would have carried on hurting you for as long as he thought he would get away with it. You have no responsibility to him in any way.

You gave him a chance and he crapped all over it. So my view is that you don't owe it to anyone to try counselling.

Your husband owed it to you to be faithful. He wasn't.

Thanks for replying. I know you're right. I am just so confused and fed up at the moment. I think I'm just trying to be too understanding. Trying to justify in my head that he has issues with sex and that if counselling can sort that for him then things will be really good between us.

If I'm completely honest though I don't think I'll ever be able to get the images of what he's been up to out of my mind.

You have no obligation to do anything you don't want. He lied, cheated and left you vulnerable to all sorts of diseases when he chose to partake in sexual activity with multiple people, even when you were pregnant. He now feels sorry for himself because you caught him, he didn't worry about it for three years before that. Sex addiction is a very convenient way of him absolving himself of any responsibility, i just don't buy that excuse.

I don't blame you for wanting to end it now and think you're right to. You shouldn't feel you have let your family down, he did that when he booked an appointment to stick his penis in another woman.

He's gone from erotic massages to prostitutes. That's a step up.
Where is the concern for your sexual health? And it's been going on for 3 years.

Just work on coparenting for the kids sake. He's really not a good husband.

I know he really isn't a good husband!

Obviously he denies most of it.

Supposedly he only called most of these women for sex talk... although the calls were between 17-30 seconds long so I dont know how much they could say in that time...apart from booking an appointment

He's only admitted to getting a hand job from one of them...

Obviously I'm not believing that that's all he did..

That is obviously utter bullshit. If he can't be honest about the prostities, what the hell would be the point of councilling?

Really sorry but I think he's a lost cause.

No. Your absolutely right. He's had his chance, it's over. You've left him, for goodness sake don't backtrack now. How do you know he's a sex addict, that's often a thing that's sometimes just bandied about to let men who want to behave badly off the hook. He won't enjoy rehab for sex addiction, that's for sure. So good luck to him on that. I wouldn't count on him even attending. You best move is to petition for divorce. Be strong. Don't give in. See things as they are, and not as you want them to be. Good luck.

That's what I said to him.

He's so bloody convincing so I'm really having to be strong and keep telling myself that he is talking complete shit. Unless I can prove something, he will lie.

It's irrelevant what his sister or whomever else thinks justifies his bad behaviour, or what you think you should do. What matters is how you feel and what you want.

In your position I would never be able to trust him again, and a relationship without trust is dead in the water.

30 seconds only of sex talk? Of course it was appointments for sex like you said.

You can't reconcile with a liar.
You can't do counselling when he takes you for a fool, expecting you to believe such nonsense.

The only reconciliations that ever work out are the ones where the cheater, once discovered, is 100% open and honest about what happened. The fact he's still lying and denying means you'd only be stringing out an already painful process even longer. This isn't someone who had a lapse of judgement, if it's been going on for three years (that you know of) then it's ingrained in him to feel entitled to buy women's bodies.

I had a shitty childhood and abusive 1st marriage but it's never made me think I deserve to cheat in a relationship. You already gave him a chance back in March - another chance will simply cement in his mind that you'll forgive him again and again.

I doubt counselling will help when he's only motivated to go not by a genuine desire to change, but because of the discomfort to himself because you've left him. And as for him saying he'll do anything...well that doesn't include him telling you the truth does it? You've 100% done the right thing by leaving...stay strong or you'll be going through this pain all over again but with your own self esteem damaged just that bit further.

Your issue is that you quite rightly do not trust a man who is not trustworthy.

He's a fool to think that counselling will change that.

Thanks everyone, this is really helping to show me that I made the right decision.

It's ridiculous that I feel really sorry for him right now. Knowing that he's lost everything and sleeping without his children at his dad's house. It makes me so sad. I wish I could hate him more. It would make this so much easier.

NO

Why is his sister sticking her oar in?! None of her fucking business.

My advice is to tell him and his family to fuck off. Focus on talking to people who will support you and want what's best for you.

And stop feeling sorry for him, the cheating bastard brought it all on himself. He could have been at home with his lovely wife and children. Instead he shat all over you and now look where he is. Let him suffer and regret his thoughtless, selfish actions.

Why is it in your best interests to give a liar a third chance? So you waste more of your life with a liar whilst he puts your health at risk? Move on, stick to your guns. It's hard but just say he can still be a good parent and maybe you can be amicable in the split if you don't have to worry about the lying and cheating...

You feel sorry for him because I'm guessing you're a decent person. But he hasn't "lost" everything, he has made a deliberate choice not to have it by prioritising his own wants over the needs of his family. He continues to make a deliberate choice by lying to you. And even if it wasn't a deliberate choice and he really can't help his "sex addiction" and compulsive lies then a few years in counselling let alone weeks/months isn't going to fix him.

Tempus makes an excellent point. "He's lost everything" makes it sound like he was an innocent party, which he's not. Adult choices have adult consequences.

Yeah that is a very good point and does actually make me feel a bit better.

I think because I'm the one ending it and because he is trying so hard to fight for us it's making me feel like I am taking everything away from him...

Need to keep remembering exactly what he has been up to and not let him get into my head!

Bollocks is he trying to fight for 'us' otherwise he'd have learnt from the first time he hurt you and move heaven and earth to change.

What he's actually trying to do is manipulate you. Don't let him succeed.

^^ What Joysmum said.

I note his "trying so hard to fight for us" is all about what he is prepared to do i.e crying, pleading, talking about going for counselling (would he bother going if he was 100% certain you won't take him back?)

But as to what is actually needed i.e. him telling the truth, going for counselling, giving you some breathing space/processing time...nah he's not interested. He is "fighting" with cheap talk only which costs absolutely nothing to himself. Don't fall for it.

He had his chance to fight for a relationship. He should have actually been working and looking after his relationship all along and not cheating. Not getting all hysterical AFTER hes fucked up and cheated many times

Talk is definitely cheap.

OP maybe stick to a stock response to his pleading - "yes I hear what you say but I am waiting to see what you do to repair the damage you have caused".

He isn't fighting for you. He is saying whatever he thinks you want to hear.

For example he is willing to go to counselling for sex addiction/lying etc This means he is not already seeking help. He might do it if you take him back first. Riiiight. My God he is fighting so hard for you. Not.

Change your language, especially when talking to yourself or when talking to the sister. Don't be accepting any of that talk about you ending the relationship and him fighting for you or him being all victim. "I am so sad that he threw it all away after I gave him a chance last time. Now I feel like a fool." "Those poor girls, trapped in a life of prostitution. I bet they had even worse childhoods than him. It is horrible to think of him taking advantage of their desperation like that." "I can't believe he did this to me after he promised me faithfully he would never do it again." "It is such a shame he didn't care enough to get any help at all, even after I caught him the first time." "He won't even admit to what I know he has done already. He must really think I am stupid."