Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Partner and money

34 replies

Bubbles201616 · 11/10/2016 20:40

Living with my partner for over a year. Should he tell me how much maintenance he pays his Exs for his kids?

OP posts:

SleepingTiger · 11/10/2016 20:54

Depends on what basis you are living together.

Have you made some sort of financial commitment together? Or has he proposed marriage? If so, then he should disclose.

Otherwise, take it as it comes. What do you think he owes you?

Desmondo2016 · 11/10/2016 21:06

Interesting one. I guess if the household budget is tight then yes, after a year I think the maintenance should be known in order to be considered part of the overall pot so to speak. If money is no issue and you just want to know out of interest then no, not necessarily as it's totally irrelevant . Having said that, however, it would concern me why is even needed to be a secret if you are in a committed relationship.

Desmondo2016 · 11/10/2016 21:07

Actually thinking about it, only my last sentence in my prev post is necessary!

Original poster

Bubbles201616 · 11/10/2016 21:12

We are engaged and are suppose to getting married next year. - which we are suppose to be saving for.

I have my money and he has his

We have a child together under a year old

It's not I'm being nosey but I feel as we have been living together for a while it shouldn't be a secret and maybe something we can openly talk about?

OP posts:

Original poster

Bubbles201616 · 11/10/2016 21:17

Just after xmas last year after getting into a argument I found out he stopped paying it as he couldn't afford it. So I put the wedding saving on hold. I recently find out just last month that he's been paying it since March and never said anything.

I was under the conclusion we were unable to pay our wedding instalments as he told me he wasn't able to pay his ex.

He never said he started back up paying again. Is this right or wrong?

OP posts:

Livelovebehappy · 11/10/2016 21:22

Not sure why you would need to know to be honest. If you both have your own money and accounts, and disposable income matched to allocate joint household bills etc, I can't see why it should be an issue? Call me a cynic, but the only reason usually for new partners wanting to know this is so that they can interfere and challenge the amount being paid out for his other family.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 11/10/2016 21:25

Either he is paying her over the required amount and doesn't want you to know
Or he is tight and wants to keep his money for him to spend as he wants?
He should be taking your baby /home /wedding fund into account - but def not as a priority over providing for his older child.

Original poster

Bubbles201616 · 11/10/2016 21:26

Just want to add he doesn't pay towards anything in house

Hardly buys anything for his daughter

OP posts:

Original poster

Bubbles201616 · 11/10/2016 21:29

One of the children isn't even his and pays the ex direct

The one that is his gets done through csa

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 11/10/2016 21:44

He should absolutely not have stopped paying for his children and well done for reigning in the wedding saving at that point.

It's right that he has restarted paying. By the way, he is paying for his children, not paying his ex (exes? Not sure if that's a typo and there is only one or more than one).

It is worrying that he kept this secret from you. Have you any idea why? Do you think he was worried that you would be annoyed? You need to make it clear to him that you understand and support his obligation to his children and that your wedding takes second place to that and that you would prefer him to be honest and open so that you can make sensible and fair financial plans together.

tissuesosoft · 11/10/2016 21:53

Why is he paying for a child that isn't his? Sounds abit odd to me that he won't share the finances if it's having an impact on your future plans and your DC you have together.

daryldixonishot · 11/10/2016 22:14

If I were you I would put the wedding plans on hold!
Why isn't he paying towards the house he's living in?

ImperialBlether · 11/10/2016 22:16

So he's a cocklodger in your house and doesn't always pay maintenance, when he has all his salary to pay with? And you're thinking of marrying him?

Are you mad?

category12 · 11/10/2016 22:18

So he stopped paying child support allegedly to save for the wedding. Which you quite rightly put a stop to.

And then he restarted paying child support without telling you, but isn't paying wedding instalments.

Hmm, question is, where is all his money going if he doesn't contribute to your household together, is unreliable with child support for his kids, and isn't saving toward the wedding?

Think you've picked a dodgy one here.

AyeAmarok · 11/10/2016 22:19

Paying the child maintenance has to he his first priority, before his house and any wedding fund.

What is it that you want to discuss about it? It needs paid, he shouldn't be looking to reduce it.

Cabrinha · 12/10/2016 00:14

He's already got two different lots of CM to pay?
And he now has a child with you too?
Let me guess, you two didn't wait very long before having this child, did you?
He doesn't pay towards the home he lives in, or his daughter with you, sometimes doesn't bother paying for his other kids, lies to you about when he is paying, and won't share the CM maintenance with you.

Why on earth are you saving to marry him?

You should be saving for when it's your turn to get shafted on CM payments

Sorry lovey - you've not got a good one here

Creampastry · 12/10/2016 06:49

I would just kick him out. Why isn't he paying towards the house?!

Humblebee1 · 12/10/2016 06:57

I hope you're not begrudging his kids maintenance. Just remember his kids were there before you. Was he still with his ex when he met you? Were you ow?

HuckfromScandal · 12/10/2016 07:01

Are you mad??
So he already shows who he is, by stopping paying for his kids.
He doesn't contribute fairly in your relationship and you want to marry him!!!?

category12 · 12/10/2016 07:19

What I would want is, someone who considers paying to support his dc as a first priority while contributing fairly to the household he lives in and who, if keen to marry, saves for it. He wouldn't get to live bill-free at my expense and he wouldn't get to pick and choose when he pays child support - and crucially, he would have enough integrity not to want to.

SandyY2K · 12/10/2016 07:43

Just want to add he doesn't pay towards anything in house

Hardly buys anything for his daughter.

Why are you marrying him? He doesn't sound like a catch at all.

These are the warning signs/red flags right before you.

HermioneJeanGranger · 12/10/2016 07:55

Run. He sounds awful - and if he's willing to stop maintenance for his kids, he'll do the same to your DD one day.

bloodyteenagers · 12/10/2016 08:16

Why would you want to marry this cock lodger? He contributes nothing to the house, hardly anything towards his daughter and his other child when he can be bothered.
Have some self respect and realize you are much more worthy than this man person.

Cabrinha · 12/10/2016 10:11

Humblebee there is no suggestion that OP begrudges the maintenance!
When this sorry excuse for a man claimed he couldn't afford to pay it she stopped them saving for their wedding so that he could!
It's not the OP at fault here.

Original poster

Bubbles201616 · 12/10/2016 12:22

Think some of you aren't getting my point.

I know he has to pay maintenance for his two children who don't live with him. I'm all for that that's why I stopped the wedding saving as his children come first.

No I don't agree that the children come before our house as if we don't pay our bills/rent we would have no where to live.

Work was abit dead at the time when he stopped but he was still paying a little bit for school meals and clothes etc they just weren't getting the £100 each a month.

My question was - when his work picked up and he started paying for his children again should of he said to me? So we cud of discussed wedding saving again?

OP posts:

Flip

1 2