I think I am abusive and I don't know what to do

[TychosNose]

Just reading the thread in chat on hitting things / throwing things in anger and I realise what a terrible wife and mother I am.
I regularly throw things against walls and hit walls and furniture. I have no idea how to stop.
I'm scared. I think I need to leave for the sake of my family.
Is that the right thing to do?
Dc are 2 and 6 and witness outbursts all the time.

YY to having time out to yourself structured in too. dh takes the dc out on saturday and you go to bed for the day. Or soak in the bath. or read a book.Rest without the dc and dh.

I hope he will do this for you. My dp does this for me once a month. We alternate the nights. Without it I get very anxious.

Thank you all for your replies. I have to do the school run now but I will check and re read later. This has been very helpful. It's time for me to change things in some way.

Sadly, it's often the way - it put you into survival mode. You have to get therapy to come out of that mode of fight/flight/freeze.

Wow - there's so much going on and I really don't know what you could start on, but so far you've mentioned:

• difficult, abusive childhood

- lack of support from DH - lack of sleep - social isolation - no free time - inadequate support from GP - depression & anxiety.

That's a LOT to deal with. Any one of those can be mood altering.

But you still need to be aware of the kids & their needs,

Short term - can you book a hotel for a night, and just get some sleep/quiet. Talk to DH, get him onboard with you having a break. He should be doing 50% of the parenting outside of work hours.
Set up a space where you can safely leave DS alone so that you can just walk off if you need to. Go sit outside for a cup of tea, or make his room safe so that at night you can leave him there. I used to let DD sleep on the floor of the hallway rather than get up to her, because then she could self-settle rather than me getting up several times.

Medium term - go back to GP. Describe your symptoms, lack of sleep, depression, anxiety, and ask for med review and referral for counselling.
Try to block out some time each week for you to have quiet time, eg DH takes the kids swimming, you have an hour at home alone to do nothing. If DH is under similar stress, then do the same for him another day.
Find some books that might help you to think through these problems.

Long term - get counselling. Talk through the kind of parenting you had, and how it is affecting your ability to parent.

I'm I could of wrote this post myself. I found my gp totally crap so have paid to go private for anger management & cbt. Im back on my anti depressants & although it's costing an arm & a leg it's for the sake of my children & my relationship. Gps don't always have the knowledge & funds for things like this so private was my only way. Do not leave you are not are bad mum or wife. You just need a little help there is light at the end of the tunnel. Your welcome to pm if you want

I realise you have depression and anxiety and sleep deprivation, which is enough to make anyone angry but I just thought I'd ask if you're taking any hormonal contraceptives? Two periods of my life I have suffered with a horrendous temper and mood swings and I finally connected it to me being on the pill. Once I stopped and got it out of my system I was back to normal. When I was on it I had these angry rages, I felt like i wasn't me. It cost me a relationship and I nearly lost a job. I thought I'd mention it just in case it could be a factor. I hope you manage to get some help. Maybe, if you can afford it, seeing a therapist or counsellor privately might be a good way to help you. If you google there are counsellors who specialise in all sorts of things, I'm sure you can find someone to help with anger. If it's out of your budget then pursue this with your gp as much as you can.

That's sort of why I think I need to leave. It's the only way that dh will take over is if I'm not here.

So he's not pulling his weight. That needs to change. Are you basically dealing with the sleep deprivation alone?!

Do you get angry at work or with anyone apart from your family?

Are you angry and abusive in other situations outside your home? Restaurants, shops, school events etc?

What have you tried so far to address the sleep disorder?

I don't get particularly angry at work but I don't work with small children so I can usually cope with the level of stress I experience there.
Yes I do feel myself getting angry when I'm out with my family but I haven't been to a restaurant for a long time and I try to avoid school events and shopping with children. We usually just get in the car and come home when I start to struggle. I rarely spend time with people outside my immediate family.
I'm not on hormonal contraception. I've always had mh problems. Long before menstruation.
I think one Saturday afternoon a month on my own isn't going to make a big difference. I did have a day out in July but after being home for five minutes I was back on edge and ready to explode.
Dh is trying but is suffering from anxiety himself and if I pile anymore on him I fear he'll get even worse.

You are very brave admitting to your anger here, on a public forum. You have done so well to have coped so far with everything you are having to deal with.
Phone Family Lives for support and advice 0808 800 2222. It's free. M-F 9am-9pm, SS 10am-3pm.

Will your GP prescribe a sleeping aid for your DS every so often? I know it was done regularly for a friend of mine who was struggling with her son's insomnia. That would at least give you infrequent periods of sleep.

I'm sorry your partner is struggling too. That must be horrendous. He needs to understand that you have to share the sleeping arrangements, though. Neither of you should be doing it alone. If you think of it this way - if you reach the stage where you feel you have to leave, he will be doing it all the time. I'm sure he would prefer to do it some of the time and have you here.

Gp has totally washed their hands of ds sleep problems since the paediatric referral when he was about 12 months and paediatrician just says we need to accept that the way he is and make the house safe. No way I can see of doing that without a padded cell installed. He's a mischievous little monkey.
Do you know what your friends son was prescribed by any chance? I'm totally willing to drug him to sleep if I can. We've tried otc antihistamines with no luck.

Maybe he doesn't sleep because of me though. He's probably really anxious poor little mite. Had a crap pregnancy and he was ill as a baby so things were bad before the extreme sleep deprivation kicked in.

No don't use anti histamine please don't

Gp's cannot prescribe melatonin which is what is usually given. They can only give it on repeat after a consultant prescription.
And they do not like to give it to small children because they would prefer to treat the sleep behaviour.

I'd say that yes your DC will be highly anxious children and this does affect sleep. I see why children's services closed due to no risk of immediate harm but it is the cumulative, long term harm that needs addressing. Yes you are abusive but the difference is that you admit it and want help. That's the first step. I know it's expensive but medication and counselling are imperative to recovery here,there's no way around it. Can you see a different GP for referral to a psych? Does yours realise just how bad things are? Your DH needs to step up in regards to the children also but I imagine he is very much walking on eggshells around you. Have you spoken to him about it? What is his take on things?

I've been back and forth between gp and psych. The psych won't see me because there is no immediate risk and the GP is supposed to manage my meds.
I have arranged for dh to take the kids to his parents for the night on Friday so I can have a think about what I need to do.
Thanks for all your help.

I think the OP seems to be the one on egg shells around her husband actually unicorn. He can't pull his weight because he might break and the only way he can be induced to help is it she bails. Yes, that sounds really like he's tiptoeing around trying to keep things together.

is if she bails

Yes I tiptoe around him too.

He is willing to help but isn't very good at it and we have always worked on the basis that someone needs to be able to think straight, so someone needs to get some sleep and since he has a job that requires him to be able to focus and I was a sahm for years, it was always me who did nights.

Obviously we didn't realise that ds would wake more frequently at night as a 2yo than most newborns.

Niether of us are doing well atm. We've both told our gps what's happening and the health visitors and the cmht and the crisis team. We don't know how to fix things and we are having trouble getting help from professionals.

Can you afford a private counsellor for you and a sleep therapist for your 2 year old?

The sleep issues could be fear based?

If you live in any of these areas, you can self refer for free (NHS funded) online therapy. You can choose a time to suit you uk.iesohealth.com/accessing-ieso/patients/

Can I ask what are your son's symptoms? I had hell for 2 years with my son and sleep. I barely had 4 hours a night and was hallucinating and hearing voices. It can destroy you mentally

Hey OP, first of all well done for acknowledging this behaviour. Don't beat yourself down now you've realised it and are trying to find out how to change it. It's a really good thing - many people never admit to this kind of stuff (my XH comes to mind - sorry just had to put that in there).

I felt like suggesting something, don't ask why or how I know but it's not a million miles from my profession, etc. Please google asperger's syndrome in women and read different experts, such as Tony Attwood and Rudy Simone. Most women on the autistic spectrum never get diagnosed, still, at this day and age. There are many things in your posts on this thread that say to me that it is certainly worth looking into. Your rages brings 'autistic meltdowns' into mind. also, the social isolation, getting hassled with unpredictability involving children, traffic, shopping... I could be wrong but there are several 'textbook symptoms' in your posts so might be worth looking into that.

Thanks for the replies.
I'm almost certain I don't have aspergers. My rages are as a result of my anxiety but that I think is the only thing I have in common with asd. My social isolation is a combination of living rurally, having no free time and suffering from depression. I used to be sociable and had lots of friends when I was younger.
I think I'm probably too ill currently to engage properly in any kind of therapy. I've had loads in the past but it's hard work and stressful. Atm I couldn't cope with it.
I really am grateful for all the responses.

To be honest, OP, I can understand if it's delving into your past etc. but if it's simple CBT, I don't think you have a choice. You've been perfectly articulate and lucid on the thread and there are online programmes you can do in bite-size bits.