I think I am abusive and I don't know what to do

[TychosNose]

Just reading the thread in chat on hitting things / throwing things in anger and I realise what a terrible wife and mother I am.
I regularly throw things against walls and hit walls and furniture. I have no idea how to stop.
I'm scared. I think I need to leave for the sake of my family.
Is that the right thing to do?
Dc are 2 and 6 and witness outbursts all the time.

No, don't leave your children. If you were a risk to them they wouldn't be with you.

What a horrid situation, I'm so sorry.

At the very least, the gp should be able to signpost to counselling and online cbt.

It might also be worth looking at how effectively your meds are working.

Do you get enough rest and time alone? I become quite different without that.

The self loathing is only going to make things worse BTW. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel. Reacting is something else again.

Is there a hormonal element to this?

Jeepers just read about the sleep issue. That right there is enough to make anyone irrational and disproportionate in their reactions.

Meds haven't been reviewed for ages.
No help with ds sleep.

Lack of uninterrupted sleep will affect you in all sorts of ways, not just your temper. As a first step, or parallel to another coping mechanism, could you try and work something out that means you can get a good nights sleep a few times a week?

Did you have this temper before you had DC or has it coincided with your lack of sleep?

Thank you for your replies.

I get very little rest and no time alone except in the car to and from work.

These are not excuses though. What about my family's suffering? My poor dc don't deserve to live like this.

Before I had children, when my anxiety got bad I would just drink and take drugs. Obviously that was not a good way to cope but it was how I lived for years.
Then I met dh and he got me to have councelling and I got much better and saw a psychiatrist and got the right meds. That's when I decided I might be able to have kids.
Now I get no sleep and can't get wasted to escape so I get into these rages and the people around me have to suffer too.

You need to find counselling. There may be a cheap counselling service in your area. Or you can look online at www.counselling-directory.org.uk/. Or you could contact mind www.mind.org.uk/?gclid=CjwKEAjwm_K_BRDx5o-sxq6ouXASJAC7TsFLCykbSyrd6pgH928QZhaqx0EDmkow1FBXGADy-2eEWBoCq-vw_wcB

You are going to feel angry on that little amount of sleep. Get into the practice of walking away into another room. Sit on a chair or bed and literally tell yourself 'You are tired. It's ok.' and calm yourself down. Then, when you are ready, go back to what you were doing. But not until you are calm.

If you aren't calm, dh will have to deal with it at night. You should take the night shift in turns so that the other gets a bigger block of sleep and it alternates.

Would your dh be on board to help you with this?

Have you looked at getting counselling locally through the above routes? The gp will be slow. You need help and tactics straight away.

So first you need to have your meds reviewed.
Going into rages IS a sign of depression and has to be taken into consideration re your medication. They are a sign that, atm, the meds aren't right for you.

When you had counselling a few years ago, what sort of counselling was it? Could you get in touch with them again?

Then you also need some help with your ds sleep. What is going with that?

x post.

you need to go back and have more counselling. You absolutely have to look after yourself, your relationship with dh and all else with the dc will follow.

And YY about taking it in turn to get up in the night, have a day 'off' at the weekend so you can some time for yourself to sleep/rest/do something for yourself.

You need to start looking at longer term solution to cope with the lack of sleep. There is no way you can cope on your own there.

The alcohol and drugs are mood altering - to make you feel less anxious. But it works for a brief period and then you get numbed/wasted. The rage is a result of a build up of anxiety pushing you over the edge. You need to bring the anxiety levels down.

The way you do this is:

1. Change what makes you anxious - find a way of relieving the anxiety. WIth the sleep issue organise a rota so that you and dh alternate and get more sleep. Look at your ds' disorder - is there anything that can be done to help it? Has he seen a sleep specialist?
2. Get therapy. The counselling gives you a better sense of being so you can feel your mood changing and it also gives you ways on altering your mood yourself without drugs.
3. Have your meds looked at as a temporary measure before the therapy starts to work and before you've made lifestyle changes.

I haven't looked for counselling for a while. We dont have much money and I would need to pay for extra childcare because i haven't been able to find counselling at the weekends. We live rurally so not much available. Social isolation is a problem for me too.

I do try to leave the room and calm down but I cant.

If you can't calm down then dh has to take over.

Is there a way you can have half a day once a week at work and get counselling then? It is probably the most important thing you could do for you and your family at the moment. Try the local town - they may have a clinic that runs in the day.

Have a look here and see if there is a local mind group www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

Paediatrician won't help because ds has no other developmental issues presenting yet. The sleep thing will not be going anywhere anytime soon. I'm just waiting until he can cope without any adult supervision in the night and not get into mischief. That's the only light at the end of that tunnel.

But maybe I'd be abusive even if I was getting sleep. I'm just a shit person. I should never have had dc.

i will search for a counsellor again.

Is here any way you can set up something just so that you can have some alone time once in a while. Have DH take the children away for a weekend every so often?

Lack of sleep is torture and it is like a bomb to your mental and physical health. I thought I had depression once but that was down to three months of broken sleep with a teething non-sleeping toddler.

Also, what about exercise on your own or with the family? That helps to keep my anxiety in check and gives me a better quality of sleep. But one things for certain you'll need to keep asking as it the squeaky wheel that gets the oil.

What do you mean dh has to take over?
That's sort of why I think I need to leave. It's the only way that dh will take over is if I'm not here.

I too throw things out of anger. I don't have children (at least not yet) and I tend to do it when I'm alone, to the point that mid argument with my partner I will walk off and slam doors, throw items.

I found it interesting that someone asked about childhood. My mum used to throw things at my dad, sometimes injuring him. But they would both slam doors, throw items at walls, break things. My dad would hit walls, doors etc. He mellowed with age, but had struck my mum at least once that I know of.

I wanted to add I have only been like this after arguments with my parents, siblings (which my parents have taken their side as they often did) or my partner.
I have worked with children with various behaviour issues and never once felt the urge to throw something. Heck I once tried yelling (as a last resort with parents permission) to stop the child doing damaging property and it was so forced and I felt shitty for it.

Think of it like you have a wound that needs help to heal. If you hurt yourself physically you'd get nursing care. So if your mind is hurt, it needs care.

Ime it begins in childhood and is the result of damage done then to the mind. You have become anxious as a result. Now you need to fix it. But it takes time and commitment on your part.

Stop thinking about the damage to your dc right now. You can fix any issues once you have started to sort yourself out and stopped the cycle of anxiety tipping over into rage. Take each day as a new start. Apologise to them if you get angry again.

Try to pre-empt it. What are you going to do if you feel that seething rage? Walk out of the room. Don't let them see you thowing stuff/hitting stuff/shouting etc. Do it somewhere else then calm down there. Put a stairgate on the 2 year olds room then he won't escape if you walk away.

Take the anger away from your dc and into the other room.

Don't get angry if they cry. I find that personally is a trigger for my anxiety and can make me feel very odd. Fake it till you make it. If you feel angry, pretend you are happy then make a sharp exit and calm down.

Number one rule is to be kind to yourself and not beat yourself up during the episode. That will wind you up even more. You have to tell yourself it will be ok. Ask for help from dh to step in whilst you take some time out. He needs to be on board in advance.

Why is it that the onlly way your DH will take over at night is if you leave??

What we are talking about is to SHARE the load, like any other parents will do when their child has some Special Need (and that's what it s from your post)
Is he refusing to help at night etc..?

Yes exercise did used to help. Difficult with dc though. Unless you count chasing a 2yo round the park. He's fast but not that fast.
Haven't really got back into exercise since dc. I don't know when to do it.

x post.

Have you spoken to your dh and discussed your lack of sleep and how it's making you feel very anxious and on edge?

Will he not help at all at night?

When you are leaving your DC with yur DH at the weekend or the in the evening?

You HAVE TO have a break in your day just for yourself. Looking after yourself is essential if you want to be a good enough mother for your dcs.
And your DH needs to help with that.

Have you looked at your relationship? I was a horrendous shouty mother when I was in. A bad relationship.

Yes the behaviour can be traced back to my childhood like peach
My mum was extremely volatile, aggressive and often hit me. I was terrified of her. she used to lose it and throw things then I would be punished for crying.