bancroft book for an abusive ex?

[grittypetal]

Separated from the dad of DC a couple of years ago. He had to move out and I stayed with the children. By then it had been clear to me that he was abusive so i didn't even bother to read bancroft, reading the forums here was enough :( He has a new girlfriend now but just recently hinted he is not that into her and would like to consider us trying again... I am still greatly attached to him and would love to try again but have little hope of it working, unfortunately. He still seem not even to fully understand how rubbish he'd been. So i got the bancroft book and am reading it now, recognising with sadness some of our relationship's disasters (in a milder form, no physical). So now the question - would it make sense to give him the book to read as well? As a way of trying to open his eyes to his own behaviour? Is this book even written for men - it seems to me to be exclusively for female victims:(

hey, we are definitely talking about going to bed together again! Or even moving back in together. This is a very long term consideration. He knows and I know that there is no way to get the kids go through it all again. The question is more like - for a leopard to change his spots he has to see them first. So if he hasn't seen it when it was happening, what the chance of him seeing it now? Could the fact that there is no distance between us and no constant bickering over everyday matters?
I' d gladly put my energy into trying to fix some things at the moment, considering how long we'd been together and that the kids love him...

ha ha, Freudian slip. NOT considering going to bed

NOW distance between us
gosh, that's what happens when you sneak a write in here between office hours :)

Please don't get back together with your abuser. This would be an act of self-harm. You have done a great thing getting you and your children out of this toxic environment. Don't undo all that.

It doesn't sound as if he has changed at all. How can you even consider it? Do you want to 'save' him because you understand him? What on earth is going on in your head that you want to venture back towards a horrible relationship?

yes, he has not changed at all. I know now he does not even SEE what he'd done as abusive and only as a consequence of unfortunate partnership dynamics. Well I suppose this was my question in the first place - is there any way to change for him? There has been a lot of answers to the negative here so I guess I should just start accepting a no :(

How much are you talking to him? From what you say I would try to cut down contact as much as poss. I imagine that the fact he's seeing one of your friends might not be helping.

It's not because another woman is with him that he's suddenly a more decent human being. My exh from whom I split nearly 2 years ago hasn't stopped trying to get back in my head. He can't stand that he lost control. Despite now being engaged he contacts me all the time. His latest is that he apparently did a course on abuse and has also spewed the line he would like to give me another chance despite all the torment I put him through. As if. I cut contact completely when we split. I read his crap but never respond. The fact that he discusses getting back with you when seeing another woman is more creepy than flattering you know.

I'd advise little or no contact at least until you feel stronger, and try and focus on friends outside his circle.

spewed the line he would like to give me another chance despite all the torment I put him through :)
thank you Astrantia
I suppose that's what mn is great for - to see that none of it is unique and can be dealt with
I have no real possibilities to discuss any of that in RL as we still more or less share the same circle of friends

Do you still socialise with him?!

well, we have the children so keep meeting up... went out for a drink the other night... I feel I still help him in some practical matters as we live in my home country and his command of the language is sometimes not enough

i used to be very tense around him in the first months/years but now I feel myself relaxing a bit esp. now that I know he can't take me up on any signs of kindness and affection as he is finally attached somewhere else. It does sound really messaed up now, no?

Jesus Christ woman.
You need to cut contact and disengage.
Minimum contact, practical arrangements for the children only.
You don't have to stay friends, it's damaging your mental health and it's no wonder you haven't moved on.
He can get other people to help him FFS, friends or (if you're in the UK) Citizens Advice or whatever.

Does his girlfriend not help him with the language ?

she aint from here either :)

How did the relationship end, OP? Whose decision was it?

well, the decision was mine. He confirmed just recently, that he would have went on forever like that - till the end of our days. As if it was a good thing - to carry on in such a misery! I guess there was our conflicting family histories as well.

That's what makes me think - he is somehow blind to the abuse we went through (tbh, probably mutual). Hence the question - if a book could help him see the light :)

Have you dated anyone else since you split?

no, no time at all as I've got the children most of the time and, mainly, no interest in anyone. Find anyone else bland. I was besotted by the guy for many years :)

You still are

I don't know why all the smiley faces, it all sounds pretty tragic to me

the decision was mine. hence what I said above about control. If you get back together he gets that back.

You say in your OP he had to leave your house. Why was that? What happened? Surely you don't want a repeat.

What would happen if you cut down contact now? Does his new girlfriend know how much contact he has with you?

How about counselling for just you? Think that'd help you.

You are making lame excuses for liking that he still likes you.

You don't have to meet up for drinks because you have children! You don't even have to see each other at handover if you don't want. Email is good for messages about arrangements.

You certainly shouldn't be taking care of his practical matters. That's rather arrogant of you. Do you really think he cannot find any local person in the whole country who would be willing to explain how things work? Or that he couldn't somehow work it out all on his own.

Are you his messiah? Is that why you want to save him with a book?

thank you all so much for taking your time to deal with me here! Dear Emma, I suppose I put the smilies there because it is quite obvious even to me how ridiculous the situation is. And as long as it does not spill over onto the children I can smile about it. Actually, after the many tears in the last years of the "relationship" i found myself laughing a lot lately. [stiffs an urge to put a smily there]

dear Astrantia, the gf knows. There not much contact really. And of course i don't want a repeat of the bad things. But i do want a repeat of the good things.

"And of course i don't want a repeat of the bad things. But i do want a repeat of the good things."

You can't have one without the other. I'm afraid you're deluded if you think it's possible.