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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has decided to split up :(

42 replies

JellyNump · 07/02/2007 20:50

He's been really weird since September and has had some sor of a break down I think, we lost our DS when he was 9 weeks old in May 05 and had DD mMarch 06. He hasn't really bothered much with her, I think he likes to 'show her off' if people are round or we visit family and he'll change her etc but when its 'normal life' he wont bother. He told me Sunday night he thnks we should split up, I suggested RELATE but he said ' dont see the point, no one can make me love you' but he says he loves me cos im DS and DD's Mum, i think i'm more annoyed and let down than upset, as I did not like his recent behaviour

OP posts:
Dior · 07/02/2007 20:52

Message withdrawn

fireflyfairy2 · 07/02/2007 20:54

Can anyone you know try & convince him to go to relate? It can't make matters any worse, but may just get to the bottom of what ever his problem is.

Big hugs for you. {{{}}}

Sorry for the loss of your little guy xxx

Original poster
JellyNump · 07/02/2007 21:00

To be honest, I really don'tthink anyone could try to persuade him, he hs been acting like a huge spoilt child for ages, he goes out when he wants and if I ask him if he can change his plans he says no and winges and moans and gets quite nasty about it. He told me Tuesday he would be back this side of midnight and at half 1, when I had been worrying he may have had an accident called to say 'sorry, I know I shouldnt have but I've been driving around' andthen on Weds when he left at 7:40pm to 'go to the office for an hour' he got in at 01:45. I asked if he could not go out this week so I might be able to have some evenings free and he could look after DD and his response was, 'no I can't all week, I can't have her for the whole week' when I've had her since she was born with a few nights out I can count on 1 hand. He will not spend any time with me on our own, he has to 'check his email, make/take a call, have a nap or go out to get/milk/petrol etc and that takes him about 2 hours!

OP posts:
Dior · 07/02/2007 21:02

Message withdrawn

SherlockLGJ · 07/02/2007 21:02

Dior

You beat me to it.

All the hallmarks.

Original poster
JellyNump · 07/02/2007 21:03

I thought that, I have been VERY suspicious and have posted about incidences before, he swears blind he isn't but he's lied about really stupid things before so tbh I'm findig it difficult to believe anything he tells me

OP posts:
fireflyfairy2 · 07/02/2007 21:03

Is this normal for him? To drive around for hours at a time?

pandagirl03 · 07/02/2007 21:04

I was thinking exactly the same, i'm afraid all what you have said points to a affair.

hermykne · 07/02/2007 21:04

jellynump, has he had bereavement counciling at all? and is he kinda using u as the punchbag for your ds loss?
maybe not relate but something more for him first. and that might help him want his family back in tack...

Dior · 07/02/2007 21:05

Message withdrawn

Original poster
JellyNump · 07/02/2007 21:05

If he is, I really wish he would just be honest and tell me, I wish I could follow him too to see where he actually goes and what he actually does etc
I really cannot put up with his behaviour anymore tho. His parents act the same way tho, I've spoken to SIL and she says they are all like it, he and his brothers were brought up to do what they wanted when they wanted and Mum and Dad would clear up the mess

OP posts:
Dior · 07/02/2007 21:06

Message withdrawn

Original poster
JellyNump · 07/02/2007 21:07

I have tried to get him to see a GP but he refuses point blank and gets nasty saying 'I dont have depression, why will no one listen to me, I don't want any medication and I dont want anything on my medical file to make my insurance premiums go thru the roof' I said surely its best to be 100% sure everything is working the way it should be (eg: schizophrenia is caused by the bodies inability to intake enough of a vitamin/mineral or something) I'm not saying thats what he has but he should be checked over

OP posts:
Marina · 07/02/2007 21:09

JellyNump, the death of a baby followed really soon by the birth of another, can trigger a nervous breakdown. Relate or not, I think your dh needs counselling, as it sounds to me as though he is going under.
Being afraid to love another child, questioning every aspect of his life...
I agree with Hermykne. Tbh when he is AWOL he could just as likely be driving around distraught with delayed grief over your son
I am so sorry You are coping with your baby dd, memories of your ds and all this too. It's a horrendous burden XXX

homemama · 07/02/2007 21:10

I agree he could be having an afair but is it not also possible that this is delayed grief? How was he when you lost your son? (sorry for your loss BTW) You say he hasn't bonded with your DD. Do you think perhaps he's frightened of losing her? Is he closing himself off emotionally from you and his daughter because he's having difficulty coming to terms with his(your) loss? How was he before?

Sorry for all the questions. Just wondered if this could be the reason.

Dior · 07/02/2007 21:11

Message withdrawn

homemama · 07/02/2007 21:14

posts x, Marina.

I agree that you also need support. Coping with your loss, a new baby and a difficult marriage is just too much. or you x

Original poster
JellyNump · 07/02/2007 21:21

I'm really annoyed as he wont even 'humour me' and see someone, he did see a councellor and tbh I think they let him 'self indulge' as he is prone. SIL says before he went out with me he was the most arrogant, self centred, selfish w@^&£r she had ever met but he seemed to change, when they were younger he and his brothers never had much discipline and were always told they were 'wonderful' every 2 mins and his Mum liked to have a 'perfect family' and exaggerated to her friends about her sons (there are 3) after Jesse died he didn't really grieve and I am worried this is part of it and that he will say all this, do all this and then decide its all been a huge mistake and by then it may be too late. He has been really unkind and said some things that have been unforgiveable, but as he wont accept anything is wrong and refuses to see a GP, im stuck in potentially a situation that could be avoided and could possibly turn out to be something he regrets, by which time there will be nothing left! He has spoken to an estate agent and is currently out looking at house shares for himself. I'm not comfortable with him seeing DD on his own either as I know before he has not looked after her properly.

OP posts:
Dior · 07/02/2007 21:24

Message withdrawn

Original poster
JellyNump · 07/02/2007 21:28

He has said that he hopes this may be the 'kick up the backside' he needs to sort himsef out, but it wont sort anything out, it'll just make everything worse! he can't be so willy nilly about this sort of thing which is why i'm worried even more

OP posts:
Original poster
JellyNump · 07/02/2007 21:30

He says if he splits up and changes his mind and I dont want him back its his problem but its also Mine and Bonnie's problem as we will have gone thru it

OP posts:
Dior · 07/02/2007 21:31

Message withdrawn

Original poster
JellyNump · 07/02/2007 21:37

well he says as he has recently changed jobs within the company that he works for he doesnt want his boss to know as he is on 'probation' cos if he does he will lose his job? He's also very paranoid about his text messages being intercepted by his boss and also mine?? I think he's paranoid. I have suggested if he doesnt like it here, he should just go, but he says 'no i cant, i have to find somewhere to live and i cant let anyone know in case it gets back to my boss'

OP posts:
hermykne · 07/02/2007 22:05

jellynump, it sounds like he really does need a kick/support but his character is pretty rigid and thats a reinforced wall to try and break thru.
if you are prepared to step aside could you?

have oyu ade your point very clear to his family and friends?

you know for people to change they have to want to, sorry to be so basic, but does he want you and your dd in his life?

or just when it suits?

persephonesnape · 07/02/2007 22:17

think you've done everything that you can at the moment. you've suggested counselling and a GP visit. If he wants to leave you and won't take the most rudimentary of suggestions seriously, then let him walk away. If it's just you and DD then you won't have to cope with any of his crap when he is there or wondering where he is or what he's doing when he isn't.

I'm sorry to be so blunt. I've been there, but with more children (;0 ) and the signs exhibited by your DH are very familiar. sometimes guys just want to be confronted with your suspicions, because it's the easiest way to discuss their infidelity.

I do hope it works out. my youngest was 9 months when my ex pissed off. with all teh will in the world, no matter how much you love him, you can't solve his problems and you can't make him netter. let him do what he wants.

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