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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH has decided to split up :(

42 replies

JellyNump · 07/02/2007 20:50

He's been really weird since September and has had some sor of a break down I think, we lost our DS when he was 9 weeks old in May 05 and had DD mMarch 06. He hasn't really bothered much with her, I think he likes to 'show her off' if people are round or we visit family and he'll change her etc but when its 'normal life' he wont bother. He told me Sunday night he thnks we should split up, I suggested RELATE but he said ' dont see the point, no one can make me love you' but he says he loves me cos im DS and DD's Mum, i think i'm more annoyed and let down than upset, as I did not like his recent behaviour

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hermykne · 07/02/2007 22:23

persephone - i think thats realistic advice. and better to deal with it and make a decision.

Dior · 08/02/2007 08:44

Message withdrawn

Dior · 09/02/2007 10:30

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FioFio · 09/02/2007 10:37

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster

JellyNump · 12/02/2007 21:18

Sorry, wasn't online for a few days, i'm not too bad. Sometimes I feel like I want to cry but can't, I think I'm really angry with him. I feel really really suspicious about everything he does. MIL called and just sounded like she was making excuses for him and also lives in LA LA Land. I just wantto leave and go back to Mum's but I can't, I feel trapped.

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choosyfloosy · 12/02/2007 21:35

where is he at the moment JN?

i have to say it sounds a bit like my dh's behaviour last November/December, when he came off his medication. He has a serious mental illness. Driving round for hours and going missing rings all sorts of bells. If you can dredge up the will, writing/ringing his GP and telling him/her all about this may be worthwhile.

Or he could just be acting like a twunt.

Either way, I do know that feeling of being unable to stand any more destabilising behaviour - like the ground under your feet is not to be trusted. Also the sheer relief of being on your own for a bit.

All I can say is that for us, things turned around when dh agreed to see a doctor and take some medication again. Your dh's reaction does suggest he might possibly be afraid he is going 'mad' - maybe there is something in the family that was always a dreadful 'secret' and never to be talked about?

Maybe not! Anyway, much sympathy and maybe it wd be a good idea to see your GP too? You sound stressed out (gosh, wonder why).

Original poster

JellyNump · 12/02/2007 21:45

i did call my gp back in september and she said she thinks she ought to see him and get him checked out, but he will not go! he is really stubborn and what ever he says goes apparently, i may call her again as i'd like to see her and may ask her about counselling for me or time off for stess and also dd as she seems to be very unsettled and i am worried about her, she's only 11 months. gp was good when we saw her after ds died when he was 9 weeks. i really think dh needs medication and may have a mental instability! he can be really irrational, cannot remember what he's said from 1 day to the next, changes what he's said 'to suit' and has been a compulsive liar in the past. MIL said he's been like it since he was little and at age 3 the dr's told her he would be 'a handful' but she just let him get on with it, she also said his IQ was measured at 170 when he was that young??? does that have anything to do with this?

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Original poster

JellyNump · 12/02/2007 21:46

he's in the bedroom watching tv/asleep

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Paddlechick666 · 12/02/2007 22:00

jellynump

sounds like depression to me. my dh has been suffering for 18 months and has had 3 "awol" episodes for up to 6 weeks at a time.

it's very frustrating especially as the GPs can't do anything unless he goes to see them himself.

for us at least dh finally sought treatment but it's a very long, very slow, very frustrating road. he's still living with his parents and i've seen him twice since Boxing Day.

Waves to Choosy, hiya, hope things are improving for you guys.

Original poster

JellyNump · 12/02/2007 22:04

I think its depression, but he says its not and now is finding out about selling the house and solicitors etc and finding somewhere else to live and i'm worried its all a depression thing. He may not love me anymore, but 1 trip to the GP (maybe more) might solve the problem

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choosyfloosy · 12/02/2007 22:57

is the house in joint names jn? could he sell the house without your agreement?

i wd get some legal advice tbh, all may be fine a few motnhs down the road, but clearly it is not fine atm.

(hi p'chick, yes pretty good at the moment, one day at a time eh? hope the lunch weekend was OK btw?)

liquidclocks · 13/02/2007 09:39

Jelly - so sorry to hear what you've been going through. Don't really think I can offer much help other that to say, IME, as a health professional, it sounds like you have encouraged him to seek help as much as you can and now you need to let go of that responsibility. If someone has depression and/or a psychotic illness they really need to accept that there is a problem before seeking help. It sounds as though either, your DH has no insight at all and believes he's fine, or he has insight and is too scared to seek help because of ether fear of being 'mad', loosing his job through the stigma attached to such mental health issues. or feeling like he's failed you all. Perhaps he just feels he's failing you less by running away?

Either way - you cannot tke responsibility for him, you've done what you can. If you don't let go you will suffer too and right now it's DD that needs you most. Look after yourself so you can be there for her.

Also, I'm not sure that you need to worry about an affair, from the little you've written I think there is definitely some paranoia going on and a lack of abiliy to recognise another's needs. Has he ever done any drugs? That would pre-dispose him to a 'breakdown' under times of stress.

You must be an amazing woman to keep going through this, I hope one day he realises what he's giving up.

sibdoms · 13/02/2007 15:24

Jelly, just read your thread and just wanted to add support. Agree with Marina and others that it sounds like he is having some kind of breakdown, but that unless he is prepared to get help there is little you can do. Talk to the GP for yourself, ask for advice and concentrate on you and your dd. Good luck.

Original poster

JellyNump · 13/02/2007 19:40

tbh i have now 'officially' given up. if there was a chance of us not splitting up i dont think i'd take that option, i am so fed up of the mess he keeps putting us in and i've tried to help but he just wont listen, he's selfish and arrogant and if its not his opinion, then it just isnt the right opinion to have! I want dd to have the best possible upbringing and with him around that just won't happen, everything is a joke. he uses bad language around her which i hate, she is a 'brand new little person' that shouldnt be exposed to that yet, but he just laughs it off and says 'its ok shes too young to understand'. Everything he says has to be right, cos he knows 'everything about everything' or so he'd like to think. I no longer want to live with someone that has their head so far up their own backside that they can see the back of their own tonsils!!!

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Original poster

JellyNump · 13/02/2007 19:42

LIquidclocks is it possible he could have mental health issue? surely no-one could be normal and be like this? he is paranoid, aggressive if anything is mentioned he doesnt like, he lies compulsively and just seems to mope around all the time and complains, he is extremly skinny but eats so much he should be the size of a house

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Original poster

JellyNump · 17/02/2007 23:51

I am SO angry! He has just proven he doesnt want to take responsibility for DD!!!

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Original poster

JellyNump · 17/02/2007 23:56

DH althogh having said he wants to split up still living in same house. He has gone out and I have been out, now home, not feeling too good. I tried calling him, no answer, straight to voicemail, I leave a message saying I need him home as I feel ill and need him here for DD if she wakes in the night. He text to say he's been drinking and can't get home. Are there suddenly no taxis??? I offered in my text back to pick him up! I feel nauseous and tummy bug ish. He goes on about being there for DD and being able to see her when we properly split up and taking responsibility!!!

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