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Original poster

How to make DP share the work at home?

31 replies

tostaky · 08/10/2016 22:25

Long story short - I used to work FT then after 3rd pregnancy I stopped as it was too hectic.
LO has started nursery in sept and I am training as a teacher. DP does nothing at home. Fair enough he earns lots and I was home with the kids before but I can no longer deal with everything (we also have a small business which I manage entirely).
I completely lost it with him earlier. Which is unusual of me.
He is a great dad, articulate and smart too and good looking I suppose. And he earns enough for me to stay home.
But I want to do something with my life and I feel it is not fair to let me deal with 3 kids, a house and a business and our meagre social life.
When I bring the topic on the table he says I chose to work, so I have to deal with it. If I'm not happy then I should quit or do something less time consuming. He is refusing to help. With some nagging I can make him empty the dishwasher once in a while or take the bins out. Nothing more. He is great apart from that.
Give me all the arguments I need to make him take on at least one or two things (the business and take all the kids one morning per weekend = that would be ideal) or shopping and preparing meal/giving instructions to the nanny about what to feed them.
Thanks

OP posts:
HandyWoman · 08/10/2016 23:04

If you're not married then you're really quite vulnerable, financially as a SAHM. So you need your own income.

You also need to do something out of the home. For your personal fulfilment. Plus you need to be in a relationship where you are respected as a person with wishes, dreams, sense of self, not a domestic servant who is secondary to him. Who subjugates herself to do all the gruntwork. That's not a role model you want for your kids.

That's the deal. Or you walk. Make this about what you will settle for. You're a single parent in practical terms anyway.

Turn it around and make it about your standards and what you want out of your relationship.

bummyknocker · 08/10/2016 23:18

So, apart from finances, which he would contribute of you were separated, what does he bring to family life?

Fuck all by the sound of it.

There is no point to this man in your family set up.

Week day evenings, what does he do?

Weekend, what does he do?

I'm fuming on your behalf.

Tel him you are not his chattel and that you deserve an equal life with an earning career, a life outside children and some fucking respect.

If he can't give you those then you are better off out of it. Then what the fuck would he do having to look after his own home and his children?

HeddaGarbled · 08/10/2016 23:19

He's a selfish shit. Nothing you say will change that. He really really isn't great at all.

Teaching is hard hard hard. No way can you run a business and teach. Choose one.

Then probably LTB.

Out2pasture · 08/10/2016 23:21

if his income is that good, and he is not willing/able to help with housework, hire out.
who maintains the vehicles, mows the lawns etc.?

tribpot · 08/10/2016 23:22

Unless the business pays you a substantial dividend, I would let it fold. You need to concentrate on earning your own money now, as he's made it clear you're not a partnership.

Happybunny19 · 08/10/2016 23:25

Instructions to the nanny? If he's paying for a nanny he won't see why he needs to take the kids to school surely? If he earns so well let him pay for a cleaner.

kissingJustForPractice · 08/10/2016 23:37

Erm, hasn't he "chosen to work" too? I'd go on strike. Only shop, cook, wash up for yourself, don't do his washing or anything else. Make sure you are paying yourself a salary from the business.

BackforGood · 08/10/2016 23:49

^I used to work FT then after 3rd pregnancy I stopped as it was too hectic.
LO has started nursery in sept and I am training as a teacher^

Er - these 2 sentences are incompatible.

There's no way you can train as a teacher / teach, PLUS run a business, PLUS run a home and parent small dc.

He needs to understand that you will need a full time, live in nanny, and a PA to run the business, for there even to be a tiny chance your new career can work, if he isn't prepared to contribute anything other than money, towards your home and family.

springydaffs · 09/10/2016 00:13

Absolutely bonkers to be a SAHM and not married. You do realise you'd be financially shot, big time, if you split? Or have you sorted out legals should you split?

What, exactly, does he want? A slave in the house - that's a servant who isn't paid. It fair takes my breath away he would force this situation on you and refuse to contribute in any way at all. He couldn't make it more clear he has zero respect for you.

Either sort out your the horrendous financial risk you are currently in or ltb. I know what I'd do. I find him revolting. He has ALL the power in the relationship. See how he fares if he ends up in a place on his own - though he'd probably hire a servant cleaner etc.

A good dad doesn't treat his children's mother the way he is treating you.

bloodyteenagers · 09/10/2016 00:34

I would stop doing anything for him.
I would make it blatantly clear that until he pulls his finger out of his and realize he has responsibilities at home that exceed far more than provdiving an income, nothing will be done for him. Slavery went out years ago. And the good little wife tied to the kitchen sink belongs in the past.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/10/2016 00:44

He thinks you are a house elf. He is pissed off that the house elf chooses to do other things that distract her from being the house elf. He is being pretty clear about that.

You must kind of agree with him because you quit work to focus on being a house elf and you do his house elfery for him.

Do you have any financial assets of your own? Property? Savings? Pension?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/10/2016 00:45

In answer to you title question, you can't make him. He has employed you to be his house elf. You accepted that role. He is doing his utmost to make sure you stay in post. He has no interest in being a house elf himself. He has no interest in what you want.

Offred · 09/10/2016 01:04

There is nothing you can say but if you leave him that will be the test. Either he will arrang contact with his children thereby giving you some time off or he won't thereby giving you the understanding that he would never have stepped up for any reason no matter what and also freeing you of the burden of looking after the desires of another (man)child.

Parker231 · 09/10/2016 01:24

Don't cook or do any washing for him. Hire a cleaner and outsource as much as you can - ironing, gardening etc and shop online and order meals from places such as Cook. Only you can resolve this as he isn't going to change. Personally I couldn't live with someone like that.

LIttleTripToHeaven · 09/10/2016 07:53

Has your teacher training just started?

I'd prepare yourself for a big shock over the next few months if you have any thoughts of teaching being a family friendly job, or one you can do with 3 children whilst managing a small business.

Have you discussed your future teaching career together? Because he will have to take at least equal responsibility for parenting and housework 5 nights a week and one day at the weekend, unless you are able to get into work at 7.30am and leave at 6pm to get all of your work done there.

SandyY2K · 09/10/2016 08:03

If you're not married then you're really quite vulnerable, financially as a SAHM. So you need your own income.

^^^^ This.

Can you get a cleaner to take the pressure off you. Because while you're doing teacher training and managing the business, it doesn't leave you much time for the housework.

You might as well be working, with the time on these other things.

DoinItFine · 09/10/2016 08:04

Arguments I would use:

1 you can do your share around the house or you can fuck off

2 you can do your share around the house or you can fuck off

3 you can do your share around....

There again, I would cease to love or trust a man who was prepared to exploit me like that, so I might just skip to "you can fuck off".

You are the primary carer, he will have to pay for his 3 children and that's all he contributes now.

Joysmum · 09/10/2016 08:04

Being a mother doesn't mean you have to give up on what you want for yourself in exchange, that's exactly what he is expecting from you.

Did you expect him to give up on all his ambitions because he's become a father? Point out that and point out that his isn't right or fair. If you have a daughter, ask him to look at her and how does it make him feel that if she wants kids in the future it's her responsibility to give up on all her hopes and dreams whilst her potential husband continues to work hard to achieve his.

If he can't see this then he's a misogynistic pig and whatever his good qualities, he's not worthy of the females in his life.

RatherSheepish · 09/10/2016 08:21

DP does nothing at home. Fair enough he earns lots and I was home with the kids

God it's depressing that men are still given a free pass because of their earnings. I'm sure he works very hard OP but so do you with the kids, I'm sure. Why is women's caring work so undervalued and why is it still seen as normal for men to not help out around the house? Depressing.

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 09/10/2016 08:38

This is what i would say , oi dinosaur who do you think you are donald trump , either pull your weight , pay a cleaner / housekeeper/nanny to fulfill your side of the bargain or you know where the door is , i am not your slave (in a kevin from kevin and perry voice for extra drama)

totslepots · 09/10/2016 08:46

You've got masses on your plate OP. I'm a part-time teacher with children and struggle tremendously. If he is not willing to do more then he needs to pay for a cleaner. I have said the same to my own DP. Explain why you need to work (vulnerability etc) and you can't work and run a household single-handedly, it's impossible. Start leaving all of his stuff is he refuses to help, his washing, ironing, meals etc. He's gotten too used to you being his slave.

DoinItFine · 09/10/2016 09:22

He already knows she's vulnerable.

That's why he's taking advantage.

Original poster
tostaky · 09/10/2016 10:20

My LO has started reception, not nursery, sorry. And yes I am only starting my PGCE and already I am drowning under the work!!
I am planning to work part time next year, not FT!

Oh dear! DP is not that bad! because I cried when we had an argument last night, he took care of the kids this am and brought me breakfast in bed. (We have early risers, it is a 6.00am to 8.30 am shift!!)
We have a cleaner and a nanny but I have to manage them too!!! I don't micro manage but i still need to say which garments need ironing/ which activity/play date to take the kids to etc...

The thing is sometimes he travels and I won't see him for two weeks. When he is here he leaves home at 7am and comes back at 7-7.30 pm and then he will read a story to the kids, kiss them good night. Lift DC2 at 11pm to the toilets. At the weekend he is good with the kids but I resent being stuck home for cooking and laundry or to do some shopping (there's always something missing).

I have made a list of things I do. He has agreed to take ownership of a couple of small ones (except when away) and to share some. I am still left with much more than him but it is a good start!
We will also split taking the 3 kids swimming so one of us can have a lie in every other weekend. (It is early on Sunday am).

OP posts:
leaveittothediva · 09/10/2016 11:34

Hire a housekeeper. You can't do it, he won't do it. Sorted.

Kr1stina · 09/10/2016 11:58

What legal arrangement do you have in place in lieu of a marriage certificate ?

Unless you have these, getting him to take out the bins is rearranging the deck chairs on the titanic

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