Is he 'just not that into me' or relaxed and forgetful?

[Midlandia]

I have been seeing a lovely man I met through work for about 5 months now. He's very kind hearted and in many ways very thoughtful and generous. However, we've had a few aborted attempts at going away together for the weekend. Recently I suggested a city break (driving distance), but mid week as it fit with my son being away with his dad for October break and also my man works very hard and I thought it would be good for him to take a couple of days off.

When I suggested it he agreed, but didn't seem that keen. It then transpired that a meeting went in his diary that he had to attend (he is very senior at our work), putting the kybosh on us going away. He did seem sorry to have spoiled our plans and asked if we could reschedule. I suggested an alternative date and he agreed, saying he would book the hotel. I offered to do it, but he said he would take care of it. I asked if he would do it soon as our planned dates are coming up soon and he still hasn't done it!

He knows that I'm anxious about it, he knows that I want to get it sorted, but he keeps saying he'll take care of it, but it's still not done! I now feel like I'm badgering him, which makes me feel like crap. He tells me all the time he loves me and in other small ways shows he cares, but should going away together be this difficult? Am I being a high maintenance harpy or does this mean that he's just not that bothered about me?

I'd happily book the thing myself, but it's not the booking that's this issue. It's more an indication of what he really feels for me, which is he's not all that bothered. I find I'm obsessively thinking about when it's going to be booked and what happens if he doesn't book it and he let's me down again. Now that I write it down, I feel like I'm coming across as a nut! Do I just need a wet fish slap? (Sorry for the length if you've made it this far!)

Imho, it isn't that he isn't that into you, or relaxed and forgetful.

He has his routine. Adding a relationship into the mix would certainly change the routine regarding time and effort. Perhaps he is "stuck in his ways" a bit and needs time to adjust.

Backing off will tell the tale: is he a confirmed bachelor or will he make an effort to prove compatibility for your relationship?

Sounds like he doesn't really want to book it but doesn't want to admit that, so is putting his hands on his ears and saying "la la la" until it is too late to book and he is off the hook.

If this is the case, watch out, as I had one like that - just went along with me, never said what he wanted, but eventually it turned out that he had been resenting me for "making" him do stuff he didn't want for years.

He could have any number of reasons for not wanting to go. Maybe he is sick of travelling as he does it so much for work. Maybe he once had a gf split up with him after a trip like this. I would ask him outright if he is secretly unwilling and try to find out why. But after my experience I'd also be looking out for other red flags!

I'm torn on this. I'm a last minute person and really don't like to book things in advance in case we have a better idea nearer the time. He could be like that.
On the other hand he could just be faffing and not as keen as you. In which case I'd probably book a weekend away with someone else then of he says oh I've booked this you can say oh sorry I thought you weren't interested so I'm already busy. And if he doesn't get round to booking anything you can sail off into the sunset on your alternative weekend away.

AndTheBandPlayedOn - you've drawn a very accurate portrait of him. He is very much a creature of habit, has led a really ordered and routine life, until I blew in. He's much more of a quiet country mouse while I am a social city gal.

However, I am very happy to try things in his world and though he really wants to try things in mine, I can see that it pushes him out of his comfort zone.

The more I think about this (and with the help of you guys on mumsnet), the more I think we're just not very compatible.

He's absolutely wonderful, but I think he would be happier with someone else.

I would give him the benefit of the doubt until after the fact. Maybe there's another factor, such as money, which he doesn't feel comfortable discussing with you yet. Maybe he is just a knob. Or clueless. Or is leaving it last minute to see if he can get an amazing weekend for you. But I would be inclined to wait and see and enjoy his company until the weekend does/doesn't happen. After that I think you'll have a clearer idea of how you feel about moving forward.

I had a "relationship" like this once, although he wasn't attentive at texting either as he was very busy at work, tired or asleep (got up at 5am every morning.)

In the end I stepped back, stopped initiating texts and dates and left him to it. I still haven't heard from him 18months on.

Difficult one OP. I have a senior job and a break mid week would be really inconvenient for me - I'd much prefer a long weekend. I couldn't do it in a busy work period - like now till Christmas. And its a bit odd to think 'this will be good for him because he works so hard.' It might make quite a lot more work for him going in the middle of a week - re-arranging meetings and having to catch up. So maybe its just not that convenient or easy for him and he was just being nice to go along with the idea.

It also sounds like he might be doing it about coming to stay at the weekend. I cant really tell if he's into you or not. I might cool off a bit and consider giving him the lead and see whether he makes an effort with the relationship or whether it dwindles away.

Look if he's very senior, I'm going to assume he's a) very busy, and b) reasonably well off. In which case I'm sure he can afford to do whatever he needs to do to just book it. If he's said you're going away, you're going away unless he proves otherwise? So what if he books on Thursday?

Obviously if he lets you down, think again. But do you have any reason to suspect he's going to? I'm not sure some people understand what 'busy' means to others in a work context. In my case in my busiest periods I can literally only cope with the things I have to do today otherwise shit hits the fan. It doesn't mean I won't do the thing. It does mean I don't always have the luxury of doing things before the 'drop dead' date. So if it were me I easily might not book till Thursday. It would be no indication of how excited or otherwise I was. But someone hassling me about it every day would make me look forward to it much less.

I am very sympathetic to the fact that he's senior and has a lot more pressure on him than I do, that he's not as free as I am (even mentally on weekends), but I do feel like my time is precious to me. He doesn't seem to be concerned about that, though I think that's because I have been almost too available to him. I have never asked to rearrange things. If I say I'm going to do something, I do it. He tends to agree to something (perhaps to please me) and then 'something' crops up that means our plans have to be rearranged. I suppose I feel like that's going to happen again until the booking is solid. Two days after he faithfully promised me he would book, it's still not been done. I'm not dealing well with the uncertainty and frankly beginning to annoy myself (as I sound so whiny in my own head)!

What garlicabdsapphire said - it's hard to get away from demanding jobs midweek. He might want to go but not want to go - IYSWIM - and not want to have a confrontation about it either.

I am someone who does not like to leave things to the last minute. Hence, like you, I would also get somewhat anxious if this man still has not booked. My father did not like to plan in advance in principle (it must have been against his religion) and it drove me up the wall. I used to see it as some kind of power play that everybody has to wait for him in order for him to feel important like the man of the house .

I don't know if this man's behaviour is a symptom of my father's problem. It has resolved now that I do all the bookings. If you were married to this man, you may in time for your own sanity also have to do all the bookings and social planning and hope he turns up.

It seems to be like this with high-powered men. Their domestic arrangements tend to revolve around them with their spouses enabling them to do their big jobs by taking care of all domestic, childcare, social and travel arrangements. Would you be happy with such an arrangement.

Also, you say you met him through work. You don't happen to report directly or indirectly to him, do you, or do a role that routinely reports to someone like him (even if not him directly). He does not confuse you with being an employee, does he? It seems a bit far out but just throwing out possibilities. The thing about your being an employee/subordinate is that he sort of takes you for granted that you won't complain.

PrincessHairy that post made me really sad.

Does go to show you though, doesn't it.

OP - I agree with some of the others, just pull back and see what happens. I hope he steps up. If he doesn't, it'll save more of the same in the long run.

I hate uncertainty and as we see each other only on childfree weekends atm, my bf has to be fairly definite about arrangements. He understands that otherwise I get my knickers in a twist . So he is definite. I wouldn't be compatible with someone who couldn't give me that. Things going pear-shaped once in a while is one thing, being vague and not appearing to understand why it is important to me, something else.

Thanks once again to all who took time to respond. An update: the weekend has been booked! However, it happened after a fraught discussion about how anxious the uncertainty was making me. He honestly seemed absolutely oblivious that this would cause me any stress at all! He apologised (genuinely) and suggested that we both need time to get used to how we each do things.

I have to say I feel mildly deflated as, though we've managed to negotiate this event, it was actually quite stressful and has made me question if we're just too different in our outlooks.

I've realised I really need to work on my anxiousness within relationships as I am likely to sabotage every relationship not just this one if I can't relax a little.

And what work on the relationship will your OH be doing so this scenario doesn't arise again?

Well he's already done the work of taking part in the conversation and responding to her needs by booking it before he would have done

I believe that he could be oblivious to it causing you stress. My fiancé plans everything immediately. I am last minute Larry. But that doesn't stress him, because if the booking responsibility is with me, he knows it will happen. He isn't stressed. I think most people who prefer to book early would actually be so anxious about it being later.

What matters now is what happens next time. It's worth being clear about what is stressful - just how soon should he book? But I think OP has to compromise too - it would annoy me to have to change my way of booking to accommodate someone else's anxiety.

I love my partner - if he said booking a week before stressed him, two weeks was fine, of course I'd compromise. But if his anxiety meant he was badgering me a month before, I would ask him to compromise by working on his anxiety in some way.

Sounds like a bit of give on both sides is in order. What's important is that a) you're going away for the weekend - yippee!! and b) see what happens when the next trip comes up, whether he takes this 'somewhat fraught conversation' on board.

Am really pleased your weekend is booked. Child free weeeknds are so precious and not to be wasted! Cool update. Have a lovely time

I'm not surprised that you feel deflated OP. In my experience, relationships are never strictly equal. One person cares just that bit more than the other... and I think in this one it's you. The difference can be very slight but if it's a tiny bit more skewed to one side the person whose side is out of balance can feel it just a bit more keenly. That's you, I think.

If you're constantly the one trying to fill the vacuum then you want it more than he does - it should ebb and flow a bit, he gives then you do, you both take - and it should be easy. You're only five months in. It shouldn't be making you feel anxiety about it.

It's not what he's now done that is important it's having had this 'fraught discussion', what he does with that knowledge. What is his response to having made you feel that way?

If you find yourself anxious again - and it's not you being needy - then yes, you're on different pages and it's not going to work, it can't, and that's the point that you should perhaps consider walking away.

I have to say that doesn't sound like you 'backed off' or 'gave the relationship some space'!

Perhaps it is the fact that it is mid week and you say he is very busy at work. It might be more the timing that is putting him off rather than the actual trip but he doesn't want to seem like he doesn't want to go so doesn't want to tell you that mid week is not ideal for him.

Op I have been in very similar situations. I promise you should tune in to your instinct. He doesn't care as much as you do and you are responding by becoming anxious. You are trying yo be someone you are not and instead of tackling your anxiety you should consider why you think you need to stick with a relationship that is making you unhappy.

Hey all,
Just wanted to add an update for anyone interested and those who were kind enough to offer advice. We had the weekend away and though it was fine and there were some high points, the concentrated time together did expose our vast differences on some key issues.
I have since finished with him as I was really struggling with the amount of anxiety the relationship was causing me.
Waterrat - your comment really stuck with me - why stick in a relationship that is making me unhappy?
I do feel sad and I there are many things I will miss about him, but my overwhelming feeling is one of relief, which I think says it all.
Thanks to everyone who went through a bit of a fraught week with me last week, this week feels so much better.

I'm both sad and happy for you, OP. It takes a lot of courage to walk away from something that isn't truly bad but not hitting high spots. Your sense of relief tells you this is so, hard as it must be at the moment.

There will be somebody who makes you feel secure and confident in the relationship, no messing about.