AIBU- PND and OH not being helpful

[denimmum]

Was up hospital with DS Tuesday nothing major just being checked over. The doc asked how I was coping and I just broke down. She's referred me to the GP urgently for PND. OH was there when I was talking to her and crying.

Anyway last night, he moaned about the washing up and I apologised and said I couldn't do it as our LB was kicking off all day. I said you know I'm really struggling so you having a go at me is really not helping. Obv started crying as I'm down atm. He did later apologise. I went to my mums as I'm house sitting atm and looking after the dog. So went there to do that. Our LB was asleep in the crib. He said he would do the bottles but when I come home they hadn't been done, our LB was still asleep. So I said have the bottles been done and he kicked off at me saying he was looking after our son! To which I replied I've just been and tided my mums house. He then called me a bitch. I done the bottles in the end and he said I speak to him with attitude. I only speak to him in that way as it's a reaction to the way he speaking to me.

I'm so low and down and I feel like he isn't supporting me. Not even emotionally. I feel really alone. AIBU to be upset and angry with him??

He's also started acting odd and changed his phone passcode. Which he's done in the past and I thought something was going on then. This obv doesn't help my low moods either.

Sorry for such a long post!!

Why are you putting up with this? He has no respect for you whatsoever. He sounds bored & has emotionally checked out.
Kick the twat into touch

I feel like I am because I'm really struggling with my LB atm. He is only 15 weeks and has a few problems and I feel if I leave then I'll feel even more alone. I just feel in such a big hole right now and don't know what to do. OH does take our LB for a bit when he comes home and that helps me to have a bit of me time

Stay at your mother's and make preparations to leave in your own time. Quite apart from his lack of support and phone secrecy, the complaint that you speak to him with "attitude" is enough to leave on its own. It's a clear sign that he expects constant deference and subordination from you, presumably because he has a couple of inches of flaccid flesh dangling between his legs. I'm reminded of a poster whose husband ordered her not to answer him back.

New babies are stressful at the best of times but there are acceptable and unacceptable ways of handling it. Demanding that your postnatally depressed partner be your personal skivvy and never give you "attitude" is not acceptable. And yes, I think we all know what phone secrecy means and if you suspect, on top of everything else, you are probably right.

Did he take any notice of what was being discussed when you broke down at the doctors? Was he included in that discussion? I wonder if he's actually jealous that he's not getting enough attention. I am NOT saying this is excusable at all, it most certainly isn't.

When he was secretive with his phone previously do you now know why? Could be that he's seeking the attention from elsewhere or could simply be looking at porn.

Is this generally how he behaves? Would you expect, and receive, support normally, if you're ill for example. I'm really trying to work out if he's generally a selfish, immature, insensitive idiot.

Lastly, I really hope you're receiving the care for your pnd, it's a horrible and very bewildering affliction and you have my sympathy. Have a hug

OH does take our LB for a bit when he comes home

He's the child's father. This is the absolute least the lazy, entitled shit should be doing.

Sheba
Wish I could stay there but she won't have us as she said if we stay there it will be hard for us to leave. He came through this morning and said to me don't ever speak to me like that again. I spoke back to him the way he spoke to me so double standards! I'm now getting the silent treatment.
He also doesn't feed our LB as he finds it very "boring" and rarely changes his nappy. He just wants to do the fun things.

*Happybunny
*
No he didn't take notice really and sat back. He didn't joined in either. After the doc had gone he was playing with our son and said what's the matter!!! Just acted like I hadn't broken down. He was then nice the next morning by tidying the kitchen and getting me breakfast and now he's gone to being nasty.
He had been talking to one of his clients ( he's an estate agent) texting her late at night. Saw a few messages. To begin with the content weren't nothin bad but a lot of cheeky winks and stuff. Then I saw he had put her to do not disturb so no notifications popped up while he had his phone unlocked. Then I saw a message saying "I'll kick your arse". He had mentioned she was with someone but on her FB it says she's single. So I'm pretty sure something happened there but no solid evidence.
I had previously called my local domestic abuse line as I thought I was being emotionally abused. But things had got a lot better these past few weeks so I thought I was being silly and over reacting. But they are now starting to go back to how they were when he was messaging the client. So I'm not sure it really confuses me and messes with me head. The time I need him the most )3 backs off and turns nasty.

I remember your previous thread, so that doesn't sound good.

He is utterly selfish. Have you confronted him about his attitude to your PND? You need to. Fuck him and his comments about your attitude. Tell him he's not swanning around his estate agency now, the smug little twat, schmoozing his clients, he needs to step up and look after his child. What sort of moron can't be bothered to feed his son because it's boring - HE sounds boring.

You should also probably remind him that he won't have the option of just shutting you down any more. You now have a child together and he either grows up or learns to live with considerably less income when you leave him and he has two households to support. I bet that makes the little prick sit up and pay attention.

*Happybunny
*
All I said last night was, you know I'm struggling so why have a go at me. You know I'm finding it hard. He replied saying he felt like he had 2 jobs atm. One at work and one at home! I then started crying and took myself upstairs away from him.
I know when I say to people he doesn't feed him because it's boring then look surprised or laugh! Prob thinking the same as me that it's stupid.

Before he went to work he stormed out and said I can't put up with you anymore! Such a supportive partner! Definitely the best thing to be said atm. He would probably threaten suicide again if I left like when I left before I found out I was pregnant. This time though, I know it is just a threat. Yea ha! I bet he wouldn't like that. He already makes me feel bad for spending his money so pretty sure he wouldn't like paying maintenance!

I've just spoke to women's aid for the first time and she confirmed it's emotional and mental abuse. Said it's the worst case of gas lighting she's heard so far and that a lot of what I'm feeling is down to this and might not be PND. I'm still going to see a GP though.
I'm now getting hurled abuse via text saying how horrible I was to him and that he is now going to the docs to get help. Making me feel bad. His solution to me not coping is to get a nanny!!! What a stupid suggestion.

You would cope a hell of a lot better if you never had this waste of space messing with your head, it's probably him rather than PND.

Your relationship sounds toxic and fucked up, nothing normal about it, only you can decide if you want to stay or forge a better life for yourself and your LB, I know I couldn't be with someone who was so hateful towards me, you're pretty much a single parent anyway.

Your mother won't let you stay with her because she's afraid it'll be 'hard for you to leave'? I'm sorry, but what a bitch!

Does she actually know how bad it is for you at home? If not, you need to be brutally honest with her about your PND and what an arse your 'd'H is being. Maybe ask her to work with you on a 'plan' for independence before she 'allows' you to stay with her.

What's up with her anyway? Does she have a DP who doesn't want his/her life disrupted? Has there been a problem with you living at home in the past?

You do need to leave, regardless. Do you have any other friends/relatives who could put you up for a bit?

I do think a lot of my low moods are down to him and his constant negativity towards me and no help.

Yea I can see she wants me to stand on my own two feet and it probably would be tough for me to leave. If I had no where else to turn to she would take me if I was desperate I think.

Well my mum and dad are still together and do have a big social life. I get they raised me and want a life now. No problems with living at home in the past.

He's now turning the attention on him saying he's struggling and need to see a doc! He's only mentioned this a few days ago!! When I said go to the docs he's changed the subject. Pisses me off!!

Well done making the call. I'm glad you've had the reassurance you needed from them that what you're experiencing isn't normal or right.

As for the waste of oxygen you share a house with, he's just pathetic. He previously threatened suicide? What a manipulative, contemptible little boy he is. A fantastic role model for your child. There's no way you should take any notice of that bullshit, leave him to it. He won't kill himself, he's using the methods of getting his own way the way you expect of a teenage girl.

As for his latest rubbish about his mh and seeing a gp, well that just shows who means most in his world - him.

Do you have anyone close who you can turn to who'll be more supportive than your mum, who's response was absolutely shocking.

*Happybunny
*
It was a relief to know I weren't going crazy and she said it's def abuse!

Yes he said he had taken a load of tablets and didn't want to be here anymore. Then said he threw them up and didn't want me to call his mum. Pathetic, so stupid to feel sorry for him at the time.
I know I told him this wasn't a competition to who feels the worst!! I'm finding this hard to believe as he hasn't mentioned anything about struggling before. Only after the hospital when I broke down.

No I don't really. I haven't spoken to any of my other friends. I feel a bit embarrassed. I know I shouldn't.
Yea I have tried to explain how I'm feeling to my mum but she's not really getting it. My dad just stays out of it. My mum thinks if I lose weight I'll feel better. She's also said am I sure I want to leave. And both parents said I need more evidence from him before I leave otherwise he could twist it and I look the bad person.

Your mother sounds strange. Yes your parents want a life but you don't stop parenting when your child is an adult! Does she know you're being abused and to what extent? I can't imagine, years from now, discouraging my daughter from staying with me with my grandchild if she was being treated like you are.

Who the hell doesn't feed their child because it's boring? You can watch a bloody boxset while doing it. Tell him it's great he's seeking help for his problem and taking responsibility for it and to come back to talk when he's had some success changing his behaviour. In the meantime, tell your mother you are being abused and you and your baby need to go somewhere safe! Is your dad easier to explain things to?

Oh my god. Leave him or kick him out. You really don't need to live like this. He's an utter twat!

I'm not sure she knows the extent. Because she's never been in my position she doesn't understand and says things like you need to toughen up and stand up for yourself. I said it's not as easy as that and I'm not like you.
She thinks if I dress nice, lose weight, exercise and stuff like I'll feel better but she doesn't understand how I'm feeling and it's not a quick fix. Don't get me wrong she listens to me moaning and helps with my son when I come round. But sometimes the things she says aren't very helpful. She probably doesn't know what to do.
My dad stays out of it as he doesn't like my OH. My mum tells him what's going on though.
Yep I know it's ridiculous isn't it! My OH has no patience!

You don't need anyone's approval to leave a relationship, you are a grown up and by what you have written the guy is not right in the head, nor is it a nice stable environment to raise a child.

Regardless, it sounds like you have no intention of leaving, you seem to be revelling in his latest announcement, wonder what the next one will be.

OP, you either entertain his tiny little mind games or you leave, it's really that simple.

Omg I can't believe your mum's advice is to lose weight. I really hope I support my daughters better than that when they're adults. With that kind of parental "support" it's no wonder you were unsure that you are suffering in an abusive relationship. Did WA help you formulate an exit plan, because you do need to leave.

*Adora
*
Excuse me but how am I revelling in his latest announcement? I don't get a kick out of this. I'm just writing on here what's happened as I don't really have anyone else to talk to. Have you been in a mental abusive relationship? I'm petrified about leaving. I find it hard already so I'm trying to pluck some courage up to leave! I have hardly any confidence anymore so it's not as simple as just up and leaving.

*Happybunny
*
No they didn't help with an exit plan. I might ring my local DA and see if they can help me with one. My main concern is somewhere safe for me and DS and from what WA said I wouldn't be placed in the same place as him or his family. So quite far away from everyone.

You need to NOT give any energy to your stbx. Everything he says to you is an attempt to 'play you' and make you do what he wants. Please try to not give him any headspace. He is his own responsibility, not yours.

As far as your mother, I think you need to be brutally honest about how he's treated you. My own mother couldn't comprehend my ex-h's abusive behaviour and I didn't tell her the half of it. She thought we just needed to go to church and all would be well. But after explaining it as best I could she was very supportive. My dad, on the other hand, simply said "What do you need?". If your dad doesn't like him, it may be that he's seen this side of him in one way or another. Perhaps your dad would support you in this with your mother. Do you think you could enlist his support?

I understand the 'empty nest' thing for them. DH and I 'were' empty nesters until DS2 moved home after being diagnosed with PTSD. Sure, it put a crimp in our style, but he is our child and he needed us. Yes, we tried a lot of different ways for him to deal with this whilst still living on his own but in the end, he needed to be home. He's still here, he's working, he has a plan for moving out when the time is right, and we've all adjusted. Life goes on. I think if your mum understands how bad it really is and if you work together to help out at home and work on a plan to get on your own she'll see things in a better light.

The one thing for sure is that you cannot stay in this relationship. It's too soul destroying.

*Acrossthepond
*
I'm beginning to realise he is playing me. I'm currently sat up feeding my LB. He said I could sleep downstairs for some sleep, I thought it was nice so I said yea. When it came to me going down he got moody and then finally he said he couldn't do it and I had to come upstairs. So "played me" . The mind games are awful and you don't realise what they are doing until you sit and think about it!!

I text her and tell her things as they happen so I think she has a good idea what's happening. My dad is a good judge of character, wish I had listened to him now. Think he knows what he's like. I think they feel like they warned me but I was in love I didn't listen that they are like well we told you so. My dad says to my mum "she picked him". But they don't know how charming he could be towards me. They have let me stay there a few times when my OH has started a big argument and stormed out. I told my mum what WA said about me being put away from him and his family. Her reply was "so your stuck with him then" I said no I don't have to be stuck with him just because of that! I'll see if I can make them realise how bad it is when they get back from hols.
Your right though, it's soul destroying :(

Maybe WA can recommend some pamphlets or something for your parents to read on the subject of abuse/emotional abuse. I think part of it with my mum was that she and Dad had a near-perfect marriage. Two souls who walked the same path from the day they met until Dad died after 52 years of marriage. So the idea of a husband being the way mine (and yours) was, well I think she couldn't really comprehend that a man could be that evil. To her, it was a 'misunderstanding' because all she could equate it to was Dad, and he would never behave that way. That's why she thought all we needed to do was 'go to church'. And maybe why your mum thinks all you need to do is lose some weight or wear lipstick.

I do think they'll come through for you in the end. You're their child. This may mean something or nothing to you, but I'll say a little prayer that they see clearly.

I think that as far 'him' goes, you're going to have to start to train yourself to think as a single parent. It will be hard, but you have to start NOT depending on him for anything. If he offers to help with the baby or anything else you need to either accept whilst understanding that he's not going to follow through (so have a plan) or say a polite 'No thank you'. Don't offer to do things for him, either. He's not your responsibility. Save your energy for yourself and your baby.