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Original poster

Date- not for me. How to tell him?

76 replies

Unrequitedlove · 06/10/2016 08:49

Met a nice guy at the weekend but for me there is no spark.. I don't fancy him but he's a nice bloke and interesting and keen.. he's invited me around but I don't want to lead him on.. he could potentially be a friend.

I've no idea what to say.. awkward! How do I tell him nicely? Met OLD and I'm new to it..

OP posts:
Original poster
Unrequitedlove · 06/10/2016 15:31

Handywoman.. thanks for the tips.. I'm a bit vulnerable at the moment after split this year so finding my feet.. perhaps he could spot that?!
Guess some are just looking for a f- buddy but I know that generally doesn't work. Funny how he is the one who didn't want to get emotionally invested yet is now chasing?

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HandyWoman · 06/10/2016 15:36

Yeah, don't want a relationship - oh but they do

Just one on their terms...

Sounds like you need to praps keep giving yourself some TLC after your split before getting out there..

Original poster
Unrequitedlove · 06/10/2016 15:40

Yes I know handywoman.. I guess I want to go if nothing else as an experience, build confidence etc have to start somewhere?
He told me he'd had 'arrangements' in the past.. he's 43 and his longest relationship 3 years.. thought that was a bit of a red flag?

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ocelot7 · 06/10/2016 15:40

BlueFolly good point about reasons behind them not wanting to sleep with you - had that happen to me once...

I think you should sleep with them when you are (both) ready...the first time needs to be got over with & any shyness/nerves got through. It will get better :) ... if they are ready sooner than you(!) its a real test of what sort of person they are that they don't pressure you...

But 'an arrangement' -WTF? Is he married?! A nonstarter for me someone who wants sex & no sort of relationship... He clearly wasn't worth a second chance now we know more...

Hello loved-up Handy :) Yes , I'm officially 'with' CB since a while :)

Original poster
Unrequitedlove · 06/10/2016 15:42

Yes a non starter although I did get caught up a bit in that conversation although ultimately it's not what I want. No he isn't married..

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Original poster
Unrequitedlove · 06/10/2016 15:43

Ok so I've just seen that he has just read my message..

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ocelot7 · 06/10/2016 15:43

Yes Unreq all that is a HUGE red flag!
Why no significant relationship by 43?
And I find men who have never had kids tend to be selfish - having never had to put someone else before themselves

Original poster
Unrequitedlove · 06/10/2016 15:46

He has lots of godkids.. around 8.. has v good job, has travelled etc
I'm wondering if his height is the issue? Although there will be smaller women than him.. he is good looking..

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Original poster
Unrequitedlove · 06/10/2016 15:48

Another thing.. although I can forgive nerves as he talked a lot during the date.. he told me a lot about himself.. I was nervous so tended to ask him more questions.. but, I'm not sure he asked anything about me Hmm

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HotNatured · 06/10/2016 15:49

ocelot, I'm 42 and haven't had kids (by choice), and I have to agree with you as I think I'm pretty selfish, I mean I'm a nice person, but I can be quite self absorbed. Also think people who haven't had kids at my age are set in their ways which can be hard work.

Having said that I've just dumped a selfish, self centred twat of a guy (42) who had a daughter so it's not a rule of thumb Grin

ocelot7 · 06/10/2016 15:52

So you have had yr first OLD experience Unreq now onwards & upwards. You sound like a decent person but you will also have to be tough for when someone rejects you (hopefully as nicely as you have done here).

The general advice (eg on the dating thread on MN) is not to invest emotionally too soon [really important though took me ages & heartbreaks to master] & to have several irons in the fire to help you to not overinvest... You need to chat to several men per date organised (many disappear at the point of arranging something Angry ) Many people on MN will suggest you date several people at once while you decide etc but many people incl me incapable of that..

The most significant thing for me was learning to relax & be myself despite being transported back to 16 yo me Shock so that they got some impression of who I am - I think the first many dates didn't Blush while I re-learnt a bit about this dating lark...

ocelot7 · 06/10/2016 15:57

Hotnatured :)

Doubt that height itself is the problem - though being short does affect some men psychologically.- unless really tiny?! I have a friend who is about 5'2" and always insisted on dating men 5'11" plus so was going to turn down a guy of 5'8". I pointed out the practical advantages of kissing a man closer in height as well as her duty to leave the taller guys for taller women Wink Thankfully she made an exception and they have been together for years...

I like guys to be at least a bit taller than me - I assume its something biological?

Original poster
Unrequitedlove · 06/10/2016 15:58

Ocelot.. I'm not very tough as you can probably tell! I definitely need to get better boundaries and more self esteem..
I'm not too affected by this guy other than now feeling guilty.. he is replying to my message now.. will be interesting to see his reaction.. I'm the same, I feel like a 16 yr old (I'm 40) full of nerves and say silly things GrinBlush
I can imagine it's good fun if you're in a stronger place..

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Original poster
Unrequitedlove · 06/10/2016 16:07

He's making a joke about it ha ha.. saying I'm not sure I was suggesting jumping into bed tomorrow!! He said 'you're going to have to explain' HmmConfused
Guess that's better than anger!

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ocelot7 · 06/10/2016 16:08

Unreq - the process of engaging in OLD tends to toughen you up necessarily! You just have to go through it to arrive at a place where you don't take it all to heart & to understand after the awful dates that there are worse things than being single!

When you feel good in yourself the boundaries come easily... when yr not looking to a man to validate you - a bf is a nice addition to yr life not essential

I was older than you when I started OLD(!) & always wished I had done it years earlier when (I imagined) there would be more nice men rather than 50 somethings who look much older than their (alleged) age yet want a much younger woman ...it took years :( & I really hope I don't end up having to get out there but there are no certainties...

BTW - you do not need to reply to his reply. Better not get involved in another conversation which might inveigle you into meeting again...

fastdaytears · 06/10/2016 16:13

you're going to have to explain

Well that's the one thing you don't need to do

Original poster
Unrequitedlove · 06/10/2016 16:13

He was interesting and we got on well and share a hobby which I wouldn't mind doing with him but not sure he'd see it that way.. I think he'd be a good friend but not relationship material.. for me anyway

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Original poster
Unrequitedlove · 06/10/2016 16:14

Got on well when he was talking about him!

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ocelot7 · 06/10/2016 16:16

If you think you would like to be friends with him/do the hobby together you could tell him that very clearly - but he may not get it or want to meet on those terms

whimsical1975 · 06/10/2016 16:28

I would definitely give it another go if he's a nice guy!!!! You may have a completely different opinion next time.

SeaCabbage · 06/10/2016 16:51

Was your text not very clear? What did you say.

Re the talking about himself, I find a lot of blokes do that? Why? Confused - surely it's not rocket science that the woman would like to feel that the guy is interested in what she says. Jesus.

Original poster
Unrequitedlove · 06/10/2016 17:25

I said that practically it's best to leave it and was good to meet him..

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horseygeorgie1 · 06/10/2016 18:35

I would be very wary of dismissing someone because you don't feel attraction. When I met my current BF 3 years ago I didn't fancy him one bit. I couldn't imagine even holding his hand, let alone having sex! We were close friends for 2 1/2 years then he told me he had feelings and I went to his one night and we ended up in bed. Good Lord! Bloody amazing. A few months later and I cannot keep my hands off him. I honestly think he is sex on legs, even if he is not classically attractive. I fancy the pants off him.

TBH I think the attraction was helped by the fact I got to know what a wonderful man he is. Plus it didn't hurt that he is dynamite in the sack!

Original poster
Unrequitedlove · 06/10/2016 18:53

Ok so.. he has taken it really well, no aggression etc he is happy for it to be platonic Hmm

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HandyWoman · 06/10/2016 19:07

to ocelot

Am just waiting for him to come over for the evening and he seems to now have a toothbrush that lives here

Grin

Hope you're getting attached to and enjoying CB

Sorry, folks. As you were...