Date- not for me. How to tell him?

[Unrequitedlove]

Met a nice guy at the weekend but for me there is no spark.. I don't fancy him but he's a nice bloke and interesting and keen.. he's invited me around but I don't want to lead him on.. he could potentially be a friend.

I've no idea what to say.. awkward! How do I tell him nicely? Met OLD and I'm new to it..

Really interesting to hear other stories. Yes he's a nice block but I'm just not physically attracted.. is that shallow? He is way shorter than me and for me I just don't feel attracted.. therefore not sure it's fair to lead him on when I know, gut feeling, it isn't right....

Nice bloke! (The irony!)

OP I would also have a problem with someone way shorter than me - had he been economical with info about this? - & would most probably not have got into a conversation or met up. I used to resent the time it all took doing OLD for quite little reward but its such a random thing... I met very few people over a long time & had too many 'one date wonders' and had sworn off men for a summer of music & sport when CB contacted me - it actually took ages/ingenuity to fit him in as I had so much planned!

No-one ever ticks all the boxes (& I have very few!) technically or otherwise! I do study men to see if I could fancy them & there was a moment during first meeting when I thought I could but what made me meet him again initially was that he was kind & thoughtful - which are probably my 2 main boxes

I have come to think - & several other people have said this to me too - that we can be too quick to dismiss people on first meeting when really you hardly get to know someone at all in those circs. It is however easy to identify obvious 'no's eg rude to waiter, wildly different life/world views but most are in a grey area really...

NB I am talking generally here & because the OP had said how nice he was.

This is why it's a really good idea to meet quickly so that neither of you build up a picture which is then shattered when you finally meet. I'd say aim to meet within 2 weeks at the very outside.

I agree - meet quickly.. in hindsight I'm probably not ready and need to work on myself.. I only thought to ask him after we agreed to meet but he was way shorter than me however his 'measurement' was a inch taller than I am!!

I agree 2 weeks max before meeting - my dates were still 90% disasters but at least I hadn't wasted any more time or mental energy on them...
I made this rule though because of the time(s) we got too carried away before meeting - we did sail into a relationship but I wondered afterwards if it had been a good idea... Better to interact in RL asap!

I'm afraid I got a little carried away after a drink too bad idea! ( in this case!)
No reply as yet

Text:

Hello x, I really enjoyed meeting you, you are a lovely person. I'm sure you felt the same, that perhaps there was no spark between us, but thank you for taking the time to meet me.

Best of luck.

y

Sorry I just re-read and see that you have already messaged him.

Patsy's text is good actually (for next time! ) as it has the face saving 'I'm sure you felt the same'.

I have found that a message like the one above works, as it has the potential to save the other person any blushes, because they can agree with you and then everyone moves on accepting that no spark on either side.

I also agree with meeting asap for a coffee/1 drink/30 min date to check each other out, before racing into an on-line romance that might not materialise in reality.

We've all been there Unreq Was this carried away in public or private?!
I had enough wine on a first date once to think it was promising but each date afterwards was worse(!) until - not being able to keep up the pretence of good behaviour any longer - on the 4th date when I'd got us tickets for a big event and he was hugely late (& unrepentent and not having followed my suggestion to avoid traffic queues) - think nearly an hour sitting at table in a busy restaurant by myself - then tetchy with me when he finally showed up!
After that I drank very little if any alcohol on first meeting...

Oh well, I guess it's all experience..! Like I said my first online date.. was married for years and had 2 relationships since but I still feel a novice.. plus confidence has been hugely knocked!

I saw on TV (it must be true), that it's also a good idea to sleep with a potential boyfriend soonish, because if the general compatibility is good, you need to be sure the sexual compatibility is also good before investing too much time.

Difficult to back away from people when you've sunk a certain amount of energy into them ......

(har har)

Ocelot.. snog in private but suggestive messages.. he has an attractive face, has a lot to him but otherwise physically not for me

When I was OD-ing I preferred to get to know someone first, I've wasted too much time on dates where our values are totally at odds. You can do that over a couple of weeks while keeping your head and not investing. Sensible to have a few on the go at the same time.

More often than not I didn't fancy them but I always sent a really nice positive text (as much as is possible when you are rejecting someone!)usually referring to how much I enjoyed their company or how interesting I found them, but that for me sadly that elusive spark wasn't quite there. I've always received nice messages back. Obvs I don't say any of that if they were a knob!

Never ever ghost anyone, people are not disposable commodities. Man up and be respectful.

Definitely true to sleep with people pretty quick, assuming you want to. If someone doesn't want to sleep with you straight away I would always assume that there is something wrong with them either emotionally or physically and they're hoping you get invested enough in the relationship that you won't dump them when you find out.

Or they just don't fancy you that much.

Hotnatured..thank you. I agree re disposable commodities.. that's just not fair.. after all they have taken the time out to meet.. I just checked and he hasn't as yet read the message..with everything else going on in my life, think I can only handle one at a time!

Bluefolly.. agree in theory re sleeping together but I perhaps wouldn't straight away due to nerves.. unless I've had a lot to drink..

I think When you're 'in the moment' the nerves go away. It's like riding a bike - pun intended . If you're actually feeling nervous 'in the moment' then see caveat of 'assuming you want to'.

I just hate all this 'shouldn't sleep with blokes quickly' nonsense.

Ok.. yes I see what you mean!! I had opportunity to with said bloke but didn't want to.. ..

Plus I have to say he made it clear he isn't sure he wants a relationship but was happy with an 'arrangement!' Hmmmm perhaps could have gone there if he was Calvin Harris!

Ha ha can I please officially retract my suggestion to give it another date

Oh, the joys of OLD

OP you need to develop the skill of being clear about certain criteria (height, distance away, living out of marital home etc), meeting up quickly and not investing at the start.. try and enjoy it!

My top tip is don't place much importance on photos (barring lack of teeth/beanie hat or hoody, unless those are your thang) because not only might they be shorter or no spark they could equally look a bit odd in photos and be completely 100% delicious in real life (cf. current bf).

An 'arrangement' dear Lord!

When blokes say this you need to run for the hills and never look back!!

Seriously this one was not worth agonising over...