How to describe how OH just behaved?

[ImSoVeryTired]

So, we have this ongoing thing about my mother. Bit of background. She is in her late 60's and set in her ways, a bit naive at times and a bit opinionated. She is rather left wing, pacifist and generally a kind soul. She and my OH are polar opposites (but equally opinionated). She has a habit of telling the same stories over again and talking about my dad, her ex, a bit, divorced 15 yrs (no relationship since, not surprisingly as he was a piece of work) and OH finds this unacceptable.
Anyway. He had recently had a moan about her and I disagreed with what he said. Things have been a bit awkward since. He is under a fair bit of stress for other reasons too, so generally a bit of a grump.
I went into the kitchen just now and he offered me a hug and while hugging me said 'I'll give you a hug if you want as you're feeling a bit weird for sticking up for your mum against me'. I was a bit taken aback and pulled away. It really rubbed me up the wrong way, so I said I wasn't . To which he very quickly replied 'oh, I would be'.
I am so tired I just left and went upstairs.
Isn't that a bit of a weird thing to do and say though? Would you class it as goading or passive aggressive? I just don't want a row but feel a bit like he's spoiling for one. He always says I stick up for my family over him. He thinks my sister is rude and controlling and says he doesn't dislike my mum but is often moaning about her. They might have a few faults but I accept them, as they are my family and don't see any faults as a big deal. None of us are perfect.
He's had a very different upbringing from me and has never felt much of a connection to his family and I know this probably colours his view a little.
Is his behaviour in this instance peculiar or am I being over sensitive? Surely you don't hug someone (comforting gesture) and then say something so designed to annoy.
Like I said, I'm v tired (7mth old baby) so can't quite work this out.
Any replies appreciated.

I imagine this is very annoying, specially as you mentioned that you don't say anything about his troubled family...

Maybe just ignore him and don't play his game (easier said than done though...)

Your OH needs to learn the difference between deferential and Preferential hello hello it's the 1950's calling. He does sound as if he may be abusive, it's almost like he sees you as an extension of himself and therefore you must assimilate Borg style

Not great imho

But lol at cockbrain that's brilliant stealing that

As I said, I'm tired, probably didn't word it right. Unacceptable was probably a bit strong. He tends to think that Mum shouldn't talk about dad much anymore as it was all a long time ago and she is always telling stories about him. They were together 20 yrs, had 3 kids and she hasn't had a relationship since. It's her last relationship point of reference.
He's mainly overprotective with our son.
Jen, I am not laughing at you or your concern. I'm sure there are lots of people who need that concern. I'm sorry if I offended you. It's just the idea of OH as an abusive person is just so wrong.

Sounds a bit like my DH, not controlling, but just doesn't 'get' the whole family closeness thing. He isn't close to his family and loves spending time with just me. He's very disparaging about my family, but so am I, I see their faults.

Defending without accepting his point of view must frustrate him, but equally, him saying negative things about your dear old mum must be very upsetting. Have you not had a heart to heart about how upset you get when he says the negative stuff? I think you can slag off your own family, but others should beware of making upsetting comments.

Op you know your relationship better than strangers off the internet, but some of the things you have said about your partner is that he is over protective, he moans about and makes digs about your family, his mother was emotionally abusive and he doesn't speak to any of his family and he doesn't have any close friends. Just keep in mind that there are a bunch of potential red flags there.

He doesn't have any close friends.

Oh dear.

twatty - and on top of all that he's a Tory! 😣

OP, you're right to be concerned about this seeming competitiveness with your family. If his mum was emotionally abusive this is likely to have left deep scars, I think he should see someone regarding this as you're a mother now and it could affect how he sees you. It's not a coincidence that a lot of abuse begins after the birth of a baby.

He doesn't sound at all likeable - how did you end up with someone who either doesn't want or can't maintain friendships?
Who is the polar opposite of a "kind soul"?

I find my PIL (well, XPIL, dull as fuck with their bloody boring stories about decades old trivia) but I never criticised my XH for loving his parents!

Abusive or not, he just doesn't sound very nice. When you listed his good qualities, they were that he is a good dad and then you listed work stuff. Which aren't bad things, but if I were talking about my partner's positives, his personality, values, interests, behaviour to me would all get mentioned before I scraped the barrel of "he works hard".

And another warning signal... just as he grew up with a bad mother, your role model for a husband is pretty bad. Bad enough that you don't see your dad now. Obviously, you don't think your 'piece of work' father was normal... but there's a little warning there that you may have absorbed some bad behaviour as normal (just an e.g - what you see as protective, may be controlling) or had your bar set low as to your expectations from a husband.
Better than your father, does not mean good enough.

Can your say what you mean by " safety conscious " ? Is what ways is he more safety conscious than average around a 7mo baby ?

I guess you are the main carer and you describe him as motived and driven at work , which I assume means " works very long hours " .

Can I ask if he's your DP or DH?

Oh ok, I wasn't expecting some of these responses. He has lots of other good qualities, kind and generous. I was pissed off last night so probably not painting him in the best light.
I'm aware of the effect his mother has had on him and to a certain degree, so is he. I think he would benefit from counselling but he would never go.
I'm also aware of how my father coloured my view of relationships. I would be more worried if i had a history of picking people like him, which I don't. Out of my serious relationships, they have all been very different men. Only one was slightly similar to him and he didn't last that long.
I wouldn't class my OH as a Tory although he is more right wing than Mum. Mind you, she's so far left it's not hard to be more right than her. I would say OH has some right wing sort of views but no political allegiance. Well, that's the best I can put it.
He has friends, just no best ones, like I do.
We are not married.
He is safety conscious in all things in life, not just the baby. He doesn't work long hours since baby was born and is very hands on dad. He tends to worry about baby and I tend to be more laid back. He worries about him crying and not being able to breathe, him choking on food etc when he's just gagging a bit to spit something out. He worries about leaving him in his baby gym for 1 min to go to the loo. Just a bit of a worry wart the stems from a general concern about health and safety.

Of the biggest red flag is that you're too scared to tell how you feel because you know it will cause yet another row.

You have to be able to say how you feel.

Do you mean he worries about YOU leaving baby alone to go to the loo ? Or that he's happy for you to do so but HE doesn't leave baby when he's caring for him ?

What happens when he looks aftre baby and you go out ?

How will his anxieties work out when baby is in childcare ? I assume you are going back to work soon.

FWIW, if anyone moaned about my mum but me then i'd back my mum every time. Mums are for life, OHs come and they can go very easily.

Mums aren't some sort of Saint you know. Sometimes they can be wrong.

I'm not too scared to talk to him, although I'm not fond of confrontation. I have a habit of crying easily which we both hate.
I just didn't have the energy to talk to him about it at that point.
Both Kr1stina. He doesn't leave him and would prefer I don't too, I think.
I only work weekends, as I was doing a college course (mature student) before finally getting pregnant. He will be looking after baby. I couldn't earn enough to make it worthwhile to work more and also can't (at this point) do another year of College.

Hmm - this is a difficult one. He does seem to be showing some signs of controlling behaviour - over-protective, criticises your family, lacking in close relationships himself - but I accept that we are just seeing a quick snapshot and he may be quite different in real life iyswim.

I would just say - be aware. If he says anything that upsets you about your mum, stop him immediately by saying "No, I don't accept that." " Don't say that please." "That's not true."

I know it's difficult when you are so tired, but I think you definitely need to stand your ground very firmly on this or it could escalate.

Good luck.

In your shoes I would watch this very fucking closely.

I agree with this. Something about the hug and 'it's okay, I forgive you for disagreeing with me because you did so out of duty' tone to his comments are making my skin crawl on your behalf. It sounds like a blatant attempt at control and I'm sorry it happened to you.

He doesn't leave him and would prefer I don't too, I think.
I only work weekends, as I was doing a college course (mature student) before finally getting pregnant. He will be looking after baby. I couldn't earn enough to make it worthwhile to work more and also can't (at this point) do another year of College

Why can't you finish your college course this year?

I have to say, the more you post, the more worrying this sounds. I know you'll probably laugh that off again but there are bells ringing. Please, regardless of whatever you want to admit here online, (you don't have to tell us anything, but people will support you) trust your gut in this relationship.

I am very much with JenLindleyShitMom. I have an H who is not that keen on his own family and who started to say the same sort of thing about my family. As she says keep a very close eye on things and be true to your own values.

Thank you everyone for your opinions, support and confirmation that he was indeed being a dick.
I will consider what you have said. However we have been together 5 1/2 years and I think if things were going to escalate they probably would have done by now. We are just quite different people. It always was a case of opposites attract, with us. Just a shame it can also cause friction at times.
I'm sure if it were him on here posting his point of view, I would sound like a right pain in the arse.
That's the trouble with this sort of thread. I almost wish both partners could post and then get advice (although I totally understand how that undermines the whole idea of the anonymity and support for those going through difficult situations).

My DH tends towards pomposity. Gentle piss taking or sniggering stops it because he genuinely respects me and can laugh at himself. I tend to be too dismissive. He will similarly do gentle piss taking and I'm fine with that. I laugh too.

Nice people sometimes say things the wrong way, often when tired, worried or in a new situation. Giggling at each other nicely can defuse an awful lot and allow for easy apologies.

It must be a two way street though. A person who dishes it out but who can't take it themselves is a bully. That's my favourite bully red flag btw.

In my very recent experience it is definitely not true to say that if things were going to escalate they would have done by now. Life changes such as a new baby can make a massive difference to a relationship.

I am sure that you have your faults too, as we all do, but are you rude about his family, controlling and lacking in friendships? I doubt it, somehow.

Best of luck. You don't have to accept everything that people have said on here, but keep it in the back of your mind.

I'm with Jen, Twatty, Naice and Cabrinha.
Having been there, I see early warning signs of controlling and misogynistic behaviour. He's starting to chip away at your ideas of what's normal, at your opinions and your support network. And the underlying tone is that he alone is your wise guru. He's also setting himself up as some psychological expert who thinks he can see a cause and effect between yours and your mum's behaviour.
Him having no friends makes me worried for you too.
I think he has very bad manners to slag off your family. You are the only one who is entitled to do that IMO.
It's all about bigging himself up and putting you down as he seeks power and control over you and DC.
Please be alert for other abusive behaviour found in The Freedom Programme. It creeps up on you slowly and insidiously before you realise. Domestic abuse is very often not as straightforward as black eyes and broken bones. Take care.

So why can't you finish your college course?

I'm a bit concerned that you have given up your college course to be w full time parent when you have no financial security, yet your partner works full time .

This leaves you and your baby very vulnerable if you split up, as you have no right to any assets or share of his pension. You will earn every little and he has a good job .

You say you can't earn enough, but the baby's father also needs to pay towards the childcare .

Do you own or rent and whose name is on the tenancy agreement / mortgage / house deeds?

I'm concerned becauese your partner sounds quite controlling. The fact that he is trying to stop you leaving your baby alone for one minute to go to the loo is quite disturbing .

What another things doesn he make you do because he's " safely conscious " or has firms views about?