Is it soo wrong to give a cheat another chance

[Humblebee1]

Why is it that when the cheated partner feels they need to give their relationships a chance rather than the alternative: to permanently break up a family forever, the general impression seems to be that the forgiveness route will be nothing but bad for you and your kids. Not saying turn the other cheek or anything, but surley its the cheat who should feel shame and weakness. Is it not a demonstration of strength to forgive and overcome, so long as the cheat reforms their ways and takes responsibility.
So much is said about setting children an example, but running away from something immediately is surely not always the answer or the best example. Discuss please.

The ex that cheated on me was very remorseful cried to me that he loved me and to forgive him he'd never do it again , didn't appreciate what he had etc etc etc etc went on to cheat again . my next ex also cheated and was emotionally abusive "il change I'm sorry blah blah blah " went on to behave in the same way a million times over . So for me personally now one strike and your out ! I knew that both those Exes would hurt me I just hoped they would change I know better now and am with my dp who I'm 99 percent sure would never do anything to hurt me but if he did it would be game over no matter what !!

I think it depends on the individual situation.

But I'm mindful of the several 'cheaters' I've known - one who cheated on me and a few friends. They did all the usual begging for forgiveness, I've made a mistake, realised now what I could have lost etc. But they still did it again. Not straight away but later on.

And they have all said the same thing - it's hard to respect someone who didn't seem to value themselves enough to end it the first time I cheated. Their love for me or our life let me 'get away' with treating them like shit. And that's affected my view of them. They're not the strong, confident person I thought they were. I shat all over our relationship and our life together and they still wanted me.

That sounds harsh but it's something I've heard several times. That won't apply in every situation obviously.

I'm one that stayed. Initially I kicked him out but slowly, surely and with full disclosure (I knew more than he thought I did so told him if he omitted anything it was game over) we are building a new, much better marriage. I'm not naive enough to think it'll never happen again and that really would be a deal breaker but what we have is good so I'm going for it.
My teen daughter has seen what has happened between us (age appropriately) and I think she look up to me as the stronger character. Sadly, she has seen me in pretty dire relationships that I have left when things go wrong (I'm divorced from her father) and I'm hoping she's learning what you do and don't stand for but also that you don't always walk away.

I ended my marriage at the sniff of an affair. I didn't get the proof until after he'd left.

And I'd do it again. In a heartbeat.

I don't regret it for a second.

There is nothing that would tempt me to even consider staying in a relationship where I knew I had been cheated on.

I kind of missed the point of what I was getting at it in my post ! Basically for me the 2 that cheated on me / behaved badly to me went on to do it again and while I don't agree with the "once a cheat always a cheat " saying all of the time , for me I wouldn't stick around to find out now

I fully get the point about lack of self respect, and accept that I am guilty as charged. I'm at a loss to understand my feelings, I would give almost anything to not wake up every day feeling like there's a huge empty hole inside of me, I'd give almost anything to be able to sleep again, I'd give almost anything not to spend all day fretting and pacing up and down. I miss her and if that makes me weak and pathetic then I guess time will help but right now it's all so fresh and painful. I haven't mentioned the DC since that's just another huge layer of hurt and would instantly out me. The up-shot is of course that I'm not able to offer any real advice but just an understanding of how difficult it is to make that decision and how you think you'd feel and how you actually feel can be quite different.

I think if you do forgive and try again then you need sure boundaries. I've known people to forgive and try again only to find its again and again and again. There's trying to.rebuild and earn back love and trust and there's playing your partner for a fool.

Couldn't agree more ParForTheCourses, it's one thing to forgive and quite another to rebuild and address the issues that resulted in one partner cheating, not to mention the uphill struggle required to rebuild the trust needed for any relationship to prove successful in the long term.

You know what though sometimes people cheat just because they can . Seriously like no other reason than opportunity was there and they took it . They'll try justify it by saying "oh you did X y and z wrong " and youl think "oh I should have done this better or that" but you will drive yourself insane looking for blame and how to change things so it won't happen again and wondering if it will happen again .

Absolutely true, bought the t-shirt for those particular points. Can't go into detail because it's immediately outing but small things re-remembered by DP to justify herself and endless days critiquing myself to try and understand what the hell suddenly happened and why. Has it helped? Well maybe not our relationship but at least I understand myself better. Please don't misunderstand me, I don't blame myself for her cheating, that was her choice and we all have opportunity if we go looking for it; but I do blame myself in part for the cul-de-sac our lives ended up in.

Anyway this isn't my thread and I've moved off-topic, so apologies for treating you all to my wallowing in self-pity

I think remaining in a relationship after cheating is a perfectly valid option of that is what you want. To say otherwise removes all control and agency from the innocent party. It means the cheater gets to unilaterally throw away the entire marriage without the other person having any opportunity for pursuing a decision they might want to make.

I would never disapprove of someone who DID instantly leave a cheat but equally I think it is fully ok for that person to want to try to work to salvage their marriage or relationship, to take time to work through things, to consider forgiving, to work through things. This does not in any way dismiss the pain and hurt caused by the cheating. However, I dislike the sometimes unanimous howl of the internet that cheating is always absolutely the end of the relationship, to the point of trying to persuade women, who want to explore staying, into leaving. Each relationship is unique, each person's moral viewpoint is unique. I respect their right to decide their own preferences for their relationship and whether it is worth trying to salvage.

To my mind, that is part of what is meant by the "for better, for worse" in my marriage vows. Others might take a different view. It does not mean that I will accept abuse (absolutely never, in any form) or cheerfully tolerate cheating or other disrespectful behaviours. But it does mean that cheating isn't some kind of auto-eject button that means my marriage is instantly over if my husband cheats, regardless of my view of the circumstances.

Giving your relationship another chance after cheating isn't something that's right or wrong.

I agree with pps though. It changes a relationship, both parties may want to get back to 'normal' but it's a new normal that can be really hard to live through.

I also think a lot of people forgive cheating simply out of fear of the alternative or for the kids, not because that's what they really want. I understand but that's makes it even more difficult.

I would imagine that if dh cheated, it would be over. Because he wouldn't be the person I think he is. But I don't know 100%, no one does.

so long as the cheat reforms their ways and takes responsibility.

^^^ This is really fundamental.
I believe in forgiveness and if the betrayed partner wants to give it a chance, then that's fine, but for me I would look at the length of the affair and how it was exposed.

I see people forgive (or try to reconcile), after an affair that lasted years. Well my view is that the cheater can't really be remorseful after living that double life and would have happily carried on with the affair if they weren't caught. Why would anyone wish to live with a person who has deceived them so long.

I think that's where staying together makes you seem like a doormat. As much as Im pro marriage, I see no reason to let someone think I love them that much, that I would accept that behaviour.

I could forgive a one off incident, but not months or years of deception.

As others have said, there is of course no one answer to this, but so, so much of this depends on the reaction of both parties. I am hugely skeptical when we see posters on here who are immediately sure they want to save their marriage and convey that to the cheater up front. I know in my case, I had such a strong instinct that my DH had to feel every last consequence of his choices (and they are choices, not "mistakes" - I pulled him up every single time he used that word) to have any chance of being a decent human being, let alone a possible husband any more. And the cheater will go through stages of reaction, so for me it was important to know that he wasn't just panicking when he was saying that he wanted to save the marriage, would do anything, etc.

I kicked my DH out the day I found out, went really scorched earth no contact, and it still took about a year apart and him showing unstinting commitment to me, our marriage and really feeling actual love from him again. It also can't be overstated how much the kicking out option aided my self-esteem, so that I could get to a place (aided by therapy) that I could be confident I wasn't making choices out of weakness and fear. (To the point that, when I made the decision to reconcile, I was really weighing up how much I had enjoyed parts of being single!)

My DH started therapy for himself and begged me to do couples counselling for about 9 months before I agreed. He showed up every single time he was supposed to for the children and never faltered in showing he wanted to be together.

It's my opinion that so much of cheating (except perhaps for the classic exit affair) is about entitlement, at least in the middle-aged, middle class, circles we move in, and I knew I had to kick that out from under him and own my part in allowing him to feel that way. I had to remind him that I exist as a separate person and really make him see me. It also helped when his therapist told him straight out that she didn't think his cheating had much, if anything, to do with me or our marriage. You could almost see the entitlement seep out of him over the course of the year. Hard to explain, but true.

Anyway, this is just my story, but it's also a caution from me about being sure one wants to save or leave a marriage immediately. How can you possible know until you see how the cheater comes to terms with what's happened? You just can't see that in the immediate, panicked, traumatised aftermath. It strikes me as virtually impossible. We may all wish to keep our family intact or to walk off with our head held high, but at least in my case I was terrified of making a mistake either way, particularly with children involved. I believe the best advice is often the hardest one to take: When you're not sure, sit and wait and see. It usually becomes much clearer, but one has to sit in an uncomfortable place for a while, which is not great fun.

I don't think there should be an automatic response to an affair. There are a few simple steps you can take to find out if reconciliation is possible.

1. What outcome do I want.
2. How will I get to that outcome.
3. Can I handle the things I need to do to do to get there.

Assuming that the cheating partner is on board, remorseful, wants to reconcile and also prepared to do the hard work, the above questions help.

It still isn't easy but neither is it cut and dried.

Thanks to everyone who's taken the time to give their views. It's really useful to get different perspectives.

I forgive and forgot, but sometimes the hate just bubbles throughout my body and I could kill him but 5 years later he is still alive and 98% I am still totally in love with him.

Oh god that phrase you wrote Captain ---- sometimes the hate just bubbles through my body ......... that's exactly what happens to me. We are 4 months down the line and sometimes I'm OK and sometimes not. I can be triggered by something or the hurt/anger can just arise spontaneously and then I explode. DP takes a lot of it but when it gets too much he goes back to minimising and using euphamismes which drive me wild. I am* staying after an emotional affair lasting the best part of 3 years, but I am only committing myself to how I feel now and he knows that, and that I could leave sometime in the future. Kids all grown so no problems there but I have a health problem which would make living on my own difficult.

Omg thank you for that CaptinMuma - that's the most heartening thing ive read in ages. I am with the bubbling hate thing a lot at present (only found out for definite a month ago) and the worst thing about it is how it makes me feel about myself. Full of hate feels ugly and disgusting...his actions have done this to me but now i hate myself as much as i hate him. This is such a dark, raw place...and so confusing. How the hell do i still feel he's the love of my life when he's treated me with such total contempt? So many people seem to be saying they would end a relationship if this happened but i can't find that impulse in myself...it's just not there at all.

I am fluid about potential partners and don't believe in all this soul mate, the one, love of my life guff. For me there are lots of potential people who would make good partners.

As someone who is financially independent, my Partner knows exactly what would happen if he cheated, i would be off and finding a new one whilst he could then wallow in his own self pity.

I have zero tolerance in this. He knows that. I have walked out of two relationships in the past due to this. Didn't look back once. I feel my life has been better for doing so.

I don't think there's a right/wrong way to handle a cheater, it all depends on your values, what you can accept, what you can't, and how you are able to move on after discovering the person you love has lied to you.
My ex cheated on me; we had been together for 5 years. I left him, because to me it was something I could never forgive. I lost all trust in him, and I knew I would never be able to forgive and move on. Our relationship became the cheating, I couldn't see anything else.
But, I know someone whose husband had an affair. They are married, with kids, she depends financially on him. She decided to forgive and they are still married and happy (it's been over 10 years). She still thinks about the cheating sometimes but it doesn't stop her living.
So I think how you handle a cheater depends on your circumstances and what you are able to accept or not. I know many couples where one cheated and the other forgave, and they are still together....

I've been cheated on. I've not forgiven or forgotten. I doubt I ever will.

Dp has not apologised or attempted to explain himself. Once the shock of finding out abated, the hardest thing for me was holding things,together for dd. To be honest, I don't really know what to say to her which has contributed to my stance of inertia.

I'm bitter and angry and that's hard to deal with at times. He's a great dad who dotes on dd. But he doesn't seem to see that his actions could negatively affect her wellbeing and her future. I don't get that at all; on the one hand he's a doting dad, on the other he's a lying, entitled cheat who doesn't give a stuff about a relationship where his adored dd could end up hurt.

I can understand his cheating. But I cannot understand his minimising of a long term, mainly functional relationship. Most of all, I cannot understand why he holds me in such contempt. I think that's the rub; deep down I feel I deserve better and for that reason alone I refuse to engage in a meaningful relationship any longer. Maybe that makes me selfish too. But it's hard enough trying to hold things together in front of dd. I don't think I am a big enough person to deal with things differently, at least, for now.

I gave my ex another chance as we had a 4 week old at the time. I wish I hadn't. True to form he did it again and I kicked him out about 7 weeks ago. Ds is now 19 months.

Nobody should judge and all couples/families must do what they feel is the right thing to so.