Experiences of friendships/relationship with people who have borderline personality disorder?

[JuicyMouth]

I have a formerly very close friend in her 30's who was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder some years ago during her adulthood. She has been in therapy since then, but I can't say it has had any positive effect on her.

I have known her since we were children, and although she can be extremely nice, friendly and generous, she has always had moments of being 'challenging' (for want of a better word), and has sometimes been quite horrible. This year I decided to distance myself from her after she abruptly cut me off for months, for no comprehensible reason.

A few days ago she reached out to me in an attempt to rekindle our friendship. But I am sceptical after dealing with years of her changing moods and behaviours.

I'm now wondering how others have found people with the same disorder. Just how much of the negative behaviour is the 'real' them, and how much of it is the disorder?

FlyingElbows . Your post is indicative of all of the children of EUPD/BPD sufferers I have met. Thank you for your post.

my only perspective as the one who was diagnosed with BPD. i can tell you that friendships for me mean often either withdrawing from people or becoming very needy of validation and sensitive to slights, perceived rejection. but i have come a long way and now have some strong friendships. i still have my moments though and then i worry i'm spiralling down again and am going to lose it all

Are there levels of severity with BPD?

My DD apparently has an attachment disorder, that's what I have been told. The only very traumatic event in her life was when I split from her father (or when she has a sibling?) which obviously affected her but in my opinion her personality/behaviour was already like this and I think she would be the same regardless in fact worse because her father is similar in some ways and she would see it every day whereas now at least she sees him once a week and I get to influence her in a positive way all the time.

I ask this about severity because she seems to go up and down but when she is up, she isn't manic but she's 'in control' and seems to make far less impulsive decisions and seems to be able to see a d do things outside of her bubble. Stress seems to set her off onto the path of these traits worse than anything else like some kind of stress reaction so if I reduce all the stress it's almost like I have a different child.

I don't even know if it's BPD but attachment disorder is closely connected (she has huge trust issues) and her behaviour matches a lot of ADHD and BPD behaviours, but not all the time.

Its difficult to talk about the issue on the same thread from so many different perspectives and I think its amazing that nobody's kicked off!
There are lots of forums for people who suffer from BPD, and their friends and families usually have quite separate parts to discuss their issues.

I am pretty sure Borderline traits - like Narcissistic traits - are on a spectrum. I have a friend who has a few Narcissistic traits who does my head in sometimes but is in other ways OK. But I also went out with someone with full-blown NPD and they were a complete basket-case, and to be avoided at all costs. I am sure with Borderline there is a spectrum too, with some people having milder traits and some more aware.

For those like my Borderline friend who had little self-awareness and/or little or no wish to change, I think its much harder and IME the personal friendships inevitably becomes strained and toxic.

That's helpful though thank you x

Can i just say thanks to everyone who posted here? Trying to understand more about BPD online after some general googling hasn't been half as helpful as this thread. I have/had a very good friend, who I've known since I was 13, who has BPD. She's never actually told me she's had the diagnosis, but she joined a support group on FB which came up in my feed (wtf, Facebook), and she's told other friends who've mentioned it to me, assuming I knew.

I'd assumed she had depression/anxiety (much like me), so when her behaviour started escalating I just found it pretty confusing at first. I shared a flat with her until very recently and it was an absolute nightmare. On the smallest level she would steal my stuff and lie about it, and lie about other things for no reason, right up to really horrible things; she self-harmed and drank constantly, we had the police and paramedics coming round, her family would call me whenever she didn't pick the phone up as they didn't live nearby. Her family are horribly dysfunctional too so I was torn between telling them how ill she was and wanting them to leave her alone.

I've now moved out and feel pretty guilty that I'm not around to try and support her, and simultaneously relieved that I don't have to see her anymore (and of course, guilty about that too!). In fact she's trying to persuade me to go on holiday with her next year and I have no idea how to get out of it without massively upsetting her.

4to30 Never ever make decisions based on how the person with BPD might react.

Make your decision is based only on hard facts and your own feelings.

Their reactions are fucked up. Their reactions are designed to manipulate you into making a choice you otherwise wouldn't.

If they have a melt down over your decision, it proves that you made the right choice. When they have a tantrum, you should actually feel relieved not anxious. It's hard to get your head round at first, but it becomes liberating the more you do it.

The joint holiday is a perfect example.

Redtits
Much the same here, three children and over twenty years though, and yes, I've somehow managed to ruin his life a number of times, I have abused and manipulated and undermined therapies and prevented him from having friends etc. The lies are unbelievable, but I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that he 100% believes his own realities.

My BPD friend was so extreme that she hated my kitten (who she previously adored) when he presented a fellow guest with a drinking straw, and put his paws on his shoulders, to look at him.

She also disliked any friends I had and pronounced them "dicks". Even my DSis who had come to visit me when my beautiful DH died. She even told me (by text) that I was responsible for his death.

I think she only pretended to be my friend because she was obsessed with my DH. The time she leaped onto the bed, and sat on my head, it was just a few days until DH's and my wedding day.

WoodenTrees
Your post made me well up. I sometimes thought I maybe was as bad as he said. It's a horrible type of relief to hear other people have been through it.

Redtits for you too.
I'm currently suffering from PTSD due to what he's done to me. I still go over even the most nonsensical and illogical stuff to work out where I was going wrong. I'm hoping this will get better in time.

Ending up with ptsd seems to be quite common in relationships with a pwbpd. I ended up in hospital having a massive breakdown and even started disassociating. It was incredibly traumatic. No contact is the only way to go. It's very frustrating because you can speak to your friends but they will never ever ever understand what it is like.

I think the deciding factor as to whether someone with BPD is able to manage functional human relationships is insight and hard work. It is an enormously difficult disorder to live with, and I have the utmost respect for anyone who makes it work. I have a colleague who does - but it has taken years of specialist therapy, which she still attends, and she takes ADs too. She works very, very hard to maintain stability and is a lovely person to have around - she is also very open about when she is having a tough time and tells us what her triggers are.

It takes someone with BPD so much more hard work to maintain an even keel than it does the rest of it, I'm not surprised a lot of people struggle. At the same time, if you have someone in your life who is struggling then they can be difficult to live with and ultimately you have to look after yourself as well.