Hi all - I need some advice and a fresh perspective. I feel really stuck right now, and don't know either how to proceed, or even whether my anger and resentment is justified, and whether I should just get over myself.
My DH and I have been together for 8 years; we have 3 small children, aged 4, 2 and 2. He's always been a bit slapdash in the way he goes about domestic responsibilities, but over the last 14 months he's just disappeared into the clouds and is driving me up the wall.
We moved house a year ago, from a place and house that I adored, to somewhere 4 hours north where I don't know anyone, to be closer to his work and his family. I gave up my job to facilitate the move (his job is more secure) and went freelance. Despite the fact that the move was entirely in his interest, since it's been on the cards, he's just shrugged off more and more responsibility. He did literally nothing to assist with the legal or practical aspects of the move, apart from one contribution, which was to send a spare set of our house keys to some friends that were house-sitting for us - he sent the wrong keys. Once we moved, we had to do 6 months of building and renovating work, and again, he did literally nothing in terms of organising it, even answering builders' questions with 'I have no idea what's going on, tbh!'; and any decorating work he did, he fucked up so badly that I had to redo it.
In our previous existence, we used to split responsibility for paying bills etc, but here I've ended up doing all of them and managing all our finances. I feel like his housekeeper, to be honest. But he DOES do 50% of the childcare, 50% of the laundry, cooks more than I do, and does just a little less than 50% of the cleaning. It's the 'domestic management' that he doesn't do: if I delegate a job to him, he'll do it eventually, but he won't realise for himself what needs doing (ie. if another parent gives him a birthday party invitation for our eldest, it won't occur to him that she'll need to bring a present. I'll need to ask him to get something, or buy it myself). It's so tiring having to keep on top of everything: I constantly have a mental 'to do' list setting off alarms in my head.
I've talked to him twice about this, telling him that I feel exploited; and he's promised to change. But he's made no changes at all. We have an au pair coming out to us next week, and again, he's done nothing in terms of thinking about what preparations need to be made; whereas I've spent every evening for the last 3 weeks getting her room ready; contacting language schools; buying a bike for her etc etc.
What actually hurts me more, is that he seems to have stopped paying any attention to me or my life, along with detaching from how the family runs. I manage the social side of our life, as well as its practical side - I've been basically the only one to make new friends here, to organise playdates for the children, and to organise nights out for me and DH. I've said to him that I want him to take more responsibility for our relationship - so he organised a night out, but forgot it was the weekend that his sister was flying over (she lives abroad) to see him, so had to cancel it, and he hasn't done anything since. He literally has not organised a single date night, off his own back, since 2010. He doesn't believe in romance, so never makes any gestures or anything; and doesn't organise anything for our anniversary, my birthday etc. And last week, he forgot I had a job interview! I had to go away for 2 days for the interview, and he texted me saying 'where are you?!' Since I've been back, I've told him how hurt I was, and his response has been to sulk, not talk to me, and sleep in a different bed for 3 nights. He didn't even ask me how it went or whether I got it!
I honestly don't know what to do. I've talked to him three times now about this, and last time made it quite clear that it was his last chance. But now what? He hasn't changed; he's got worse. I don't have any income currently, since we've moved, so we're reliant on his income - which makes me wonder whether I'm being unfair. After all, he does contribute far more money to the family than I do currently (although this will change in January), he does 50% of childcare etc (which is more than a lot of men). I'm really unhappy and all I want to do is go back to our old house & city.