Lied to end friendship

[WittyCakeMeister]

Not sure where to put this thread - it's about wanting to get out of a friendship.

I've grown close to a friend I met when our little ones were newborns. I love the fact we can have in-depth chats. However, I've found her behaviour has become quite toxic. Recently I've not looked forward to meeting up with her. She often treats me with disrespect - controlling plans, changing plans, leaving me out and ignoring how this all makes me feel. We had a disagreement over something small and I realised that she is the sort of person who gets very defensive if she thinks you are criticising her. I feel I can't tell her about the things she does that upset me, as she will get defensive (never accepts anything she's done could cause offence/inconvenience others and gets a bit nasty about it).

In short, I've decided I need to get out of the friendship. I started backing out of it by just being less available and telling her I'm busy, however, this seemed to annoy her and worsen her behaviour.

So....I decided to make up the lie that I've just started a new job in accountancy part-time, flexible hours. I said I'm putting my DD is nursery. I thought I could then use the excuse that I'm unavailable due to work. I'm confident I can carry this off as she does not mix with any of my other friends and I plan to see her less and less anyway.

Is that awful??? Complete lie - I do not have a job.

In the past, I told a different close friend about things that she had done that had upset me and it did not go well - we had a big argument about it as she refused to accept that she was in the wrong. We completely fell out and I was left with a horrible feeling, remembering the fall-out. Therefore, I'd just like to slink out of this friendship, with minimal confrontation and perhaps just remain distant aquaintances 'due to work'.

Witty, could you just see her very infrequently? That way you can still meet up with her and your other friends ocassionally and it isn't awkward. Obviously if you absolutely loathe spending time with her, don't do that, but if you just find her a bit unpleasant at times but you get on well sometimes too, it might be worth just trying to redefine the friendship as a more distant but still affable one? I guess it depends how much you want to end all contact with her, how important it is that things not be awkward when you all meet up, and whether you think she'd allow things to become more distant without constantly pushing for more.

Witty could you take control of the meetings? ie 'This week doesn't suit- lots on (no need to be specific) but how about next week? We could see if x, y or z are also available for a catch up'. That way you can phase her out gradually without confrontation or awkwardness. Not sure how old your DC are but could they join some activities so you are legitimately busy on those days?

If you don't like confrontation, making yourself boring for a while and not doing anything of interest will encourage her to move on to someone else.

This. Being grey and boring works wonders for making yourself uninteresting to destructive people, if you can take the hit to your pride.

OK Blanche, thanks for explaining. I understand now what you were getting at.

Perhaps I have come across as someone who avoids confrontation and upsetting people. But in fact, in the past I have been that person - I am naturally very outspoken and say what I think about situations/people, to their face. I have learned over the years that that approach has not helped me. I kind of learned the hard way. I used to burn bridges, and end up haunted by words that were exchanged. Sometimes, I've paid for it in the long run - people do not forget it when you criticise them (or they perceive you have, even if you've done it politely) and they can take opportunities in future to stab you in the back; if they have a narcissistic-type personality.

So this time, I'm trying to do it differently and end something in a peaceful way. It's bloody difficult. Even today, I recieved a text off her saying - 'Want to meet up in the half-term week or the week after?' If I ignore, it's actually quite passive aggressive and clear that I'm not being nice and want to freeze her out. If I reply - what do I say? Pretend I'm unavailable and can't meet. Then that's lying again. The birthday text - 'What's your address (she's been to my house loads but has obviously forgotten the number), I have a birthday card to send you'. I can't ignore that without it being obviously I'm purposefully rejecting her.

Onynx - I've come the same same conclusion. I need to take control. I will plan to do something that I want to do, then tell her where I am and she can just meet me there whenever she decides to turn up. I'm not waiting around for her anymore. Also, I'll lesson the number of these meet-ups.

I think perhaps I need to be an awkward friend - I'll be as awkward as she is (!) :-0 Then she'll get the message that she can't mess me about. I find it quite hard to be like that though, as I'm naturally quite easy going.

SeaEagle I'm not sure I could pull boring off (not to sound too big headed), but the reason we became friends is partially because we are both quite eccentric personalities.

I'm also an eccentric personality but a dose of leaden depression made me internally dull in a colourful package. People fled.

Give it a try! If she is narcissistic she will like you only for how you reflect on her. Be as dull as dishwater, moan and sigh helplessly. She'll vanish.

I'd just lie. Why not? Seems easiest :-)

I think it's probably better if youLet her know the friendship is ended, but keep it completely about you. Say, i don't feel we're compatable, I am not getting much out of it. I think we are now to different to be friends, etc. She can't argue with your experience of it, and you will be free of her.
Hope it goes well

I tend to cut to the chase these days. Sorry to bang on about this but I got through cancer and these days I take shortcuts to get drains out of my life if the need arises. The time for taking shit has passed.

So, any outrageous, blunt lie will do. The lie doesn't even have to have any finesse; just a means to the end result. The job lie was pretty succinct imo.

Get another 'job'.