Lied to end friendship

[WittyCakeMeister]

Not sure where to put this thread - it's about wanting to get out of a friendship.

I've grown close to a friend I met when our little ones were newborns. I love the fact we can have in-depth chats. However, I've found her behaviour has become quite toxic. Recently I've not looked forward to meeting up with her. She often treats me with disrespect - controlling plans, changing plans, leaving me out and ignoring how this all makes me feel. We had a disagreement over something small and I realised that she is the sort of person who gets very defensive if she thinks you are criticising her. I feel I can't tell her about the things she does that upset me, as she will get defensive (never accepts anything she's done could cause offence/inconvenience others and gets a bit nasty about it).

In short, I've decided I need to get out of the friendship. I started backing out of it by just being less available and telling her I'm busy, however, this seemed to annoy her and worsen her behaviour.

So....I decided to make up the lie that I've just started a new job in accountancy part-time, flexible hours. I said I'm putting my DD is nursery. I thought I could then use the excuse that I'm unavailable due to work. I'm confident I can carry this off as she does not mix with any of my other friends and I plan to see her less and less anyway.

Is that awful??? Complete lie - I do not have a job.

In the past, I told a different close friend about things that she had done that had upset me and it did not go well - we had a big argument about it as she refused to accept that she was in the wrong. We completely fell out and I was left with a horrible feeling, remembering the fall-out. Therefore, I'd just like to slink out of this friendship, with minimal confrontation and perhaps just remain distant aquaintances 'due to work'.

Yes, it is weird but I do feel she has some influence (maybe power is a bit strong) over me. She dictates to me and I've been too accommodating, because I know she has some personal issues and I've made allowances. I've now had enough of making exceptions for her. It's turned into a pattern of behaviour, where she just thinks she can mess me about.

I guess I feel I can't completely ignore her because we have some mutual friends (acquaintances really), that I still want to keep in touch with. We all meet up as a group occasionally (we all first met as a group). I would still like to be involved in those meet-ups. I just don't want the one-on-one friendship we have outside that group. I know that if I blank her, she will get nasty (it's the way she is) and then those meet-ups will be really difficult. I don't want to lose other friends because of a fall out with her.

So just accept group invites and decline 1:1s.

And stop accepting poor behaviour from this person. She had no power over you. None at all.

Put your big girl pants on.

OK, Amelia, do you not see how it is going to be really awkward to keep declining 1:1s (or ignoring them as others have suggested) and accept group invites?

If I keep blanking her texts and invites, I will be making it very clear that I have a problem with her. I'll have moved from being best buddies (ringing each other for 'support chats' several times a week and meeting every week) to completely zero contact. She will be annoyed and offended. Then I turn up to group events and sit in a small room with her at someone's house.

I've acknowledged that making up an untrue reason not to meet was not a good idea and I'm not going to carry on with that - will tell her I've not taken the job. There is an element of truth in this anyway, as I recently did turn down a job.

The only way I can do this is to just cut contact with the whole group. Or just meet others in the group 1:1. So, perhaps I just have to accept that.

Really its just about being clear and simple. Just say you dont want to continue the friendship. Dont get drawn into drama or a discussion about it, dont get defensive or accusatory just calmly state that you dont have the time in your life for friendship with her right now and you are sorry but wish her all the best. And then dont answer if she calls or communicate with her at all and eventually she will get bored and find a different friend.

^

I have recently done someting similar. I didn't see the point in having it out as I didn't want to continue the friendship. Shes currently ignoring me. Couldgey akward.

Oh and I wouldn't lie about job, thats a bit odd.

Could you just say something like, "sorry, life's really full at the moment, I'm going to just go to the meet ups with everyone as I can't fit everything in."

You don't need to give her your daily timetable. Just be vague. You know, this and that: errands to run, stuff doing at home, a new hobby you want to do etc.

This is a very interesting read for me as I have a similar problem with a friend. My DH says to confront her but I don't think I want to do that. I've never needed to before with anyone and I just don't know how to!

Also giving a friend a list of reasons a friendship isn't working is never going to be taken well.

I totally understand the OP on this because things need to remain neutral.

I suggest downgrading the "job" to some possible freelance work coming up, then get a lovely selection of pic and mix excuses ready so you can avoid meeting up. Dentist, Doctor, Hair appointment, garage, and then every now and again "I've got a little bit of work this week..hopefully" as the final get out clause.

Thanks GoEasyPudding for understanding. Twiglets, that's a good idea too.
I think some people are posting replies without reading through. The complexity here is that we do have some mutual friends with group meet-ups (we were an NCT group). Although I don't see the group that often, I would not want to lose links.

Confrontation does not go well if you are dealing with a personality type that gets very defensive and refuses to see any blame on their part (everything is always everyone else's fault). I've been there before and it was a very messy ending to a friendship.

Saying I had a job seemed the perfect way to slink out of meeting up, without causing offence. But, reading the responses I have been convinced that it's not a good idea. I'm still determined to slink away though - whilst maintaining taking part in group-meet-ups. Possible? I'm not sure.

Witty I am reading the thread and I'm not unsympathetic but there is no magic, easy way to sort this.

I didn't say you should ignore all her texts and invitations. I said decline invitations and ignore rude texts. You can do that without being confrontational and rude.

You were clearly very close with this woman. You have some options:

1. Speak to her about her behaviour. Nicely, calmly- it doesn't have to be confrontational. "we used to be such good friends but some things have happened recently that upset/hurt me and I want to talk them through with you." The conversation doesn't have to result in screaming or tears. Who knows you might get an apology and save the friendship.

2. gradually cool off the friendship. It happens in friendships all the time, just stop calling and texting and seeing her as much.

3. tell lots of lies. Which you now agree isn't a good idea.

Personally I'd do number one for someone that had been a good friend and supported me. I'd give them a chance to redeem themselves.

I have also done number 2 to a considerably less good friend (from my NCT group as it happens). She was really mean each time I saw her so I just stopped seeing her. Without being bitchy about it I made a few of the rest of the group aware of the problem. Interestingly she has amended her behaviour recently.

I wish you all the very best with this, I know it's not easy but I strongly believe that people shouldn't put up with bad behaviour.

Thanks Amelia :-)

I know it sounds simple to just have a nice conversation. I've tried with her before. Actually I can trace most of this toxic behaviour back to that conversation. Basically one of her children had a serious illness (potentially very harmful if others caught it. I commented that I didn't think you were supposed to go outside in public places with it. She got really annoyed with me (I was being polite about it). So I just said - perhaps check on the NET to see what the advice is. I don't think she's ever forgiven me for that.

So, telling her directly about things she's done that have made me feel disrespected? Not going to take that well. She fell out with a different NCT friend over something like this. I should have seen the warning signs then.

Some people do not like to hear anything about themselves verging on anything that can be taken as criticism. I believe she may have some narcissistic personality traits (and this is typical behaviour for that personality type).

So will be phasing her out guys. Perhaps I'll update and let you know what happens.

Best of luck with it.

"This isn't working for me" is a time-honoured expression.

I know it's not as simple as that, but one concept is: you don't need anybody's permission to end a relationship

I'd like to think you don't want to be the kind of person who lies to people. Am I right? So if this woman's toxicity is making you think that's a good idea, then it's high time you kept yourself away from it.

That's all by the bye, but bottom line, know in your heart of hearts that she doesn't get to dictate what is acceptable to you. Believe that in your core, let that he your shield and sword.

Say as much or as little as you want.

I'd also drop a light word to some of the others in the group, just a simple "I'm easing off on seeing [toxic gal] - I hope she doesn't take it badly, but wanted to give you a heads up just in case." Don't give them the impression you want them to get in the middle of things, of course. They probably already know what she's all about anyway.

Best of luck.

OK, so here is an update.
Received a birthday card from her and birthday texts for my DD birthday. Received a party invitation to her DD party. Received messages asking if I was free to meet up.

So in the first text I recieved (which said - "Good luck in the new job") I told her that I contacted the company and told them I'd changed my mind and didn't take it.

Then I've ended up having to lie multiple times instead of the one big lie I originally told, which would have just solved my whole problem and ended the friendship. Instead I've sent "Sorry I'm busy", "Sorry we've got plans that day", "I can't make that time because" texts.

I know everyone was quite critical of the original 'I've got a job' lie, but, don't you think that people just lie all the time to get out of things anyway? I know for a fact that my firends sometimes make things up so they can get out of stuff - "I've got a Tesco delivery that morning, sorry". Then I've caught them out up the park. I think that kind of small white lie is used a lot. But isn't it just as bad?

For reasons I've explained, I don't want to tell her that I don't want to be friends, but making lots of excuses to duck out of things seems more awkward than the original lie which enabled me to use work as an excuse (she would have stopped contacting me to ask about meet-ups, with no offense caused).

Perhaps if I keep up these excuses, and replying late to texts and ignoring some texts, it will cool off the friendship in the end. But going to be a bit awkward when I see her again in a group situation, as this method is probably causing some offense. She's likely to take this personally.

ok, when someone tried to pull one over on me (eg not confronting me) she didn't lie but did leave out an important bit of info - she ditched me in favour of her on/off boyfriend, father of her DD, to go on a holiday with him when I'd been invited, paid deposit etc... But she emailed me rather than ring me or meet me to talk about this.

To say I was beyond furious is quite true, there was other stuff too - she thought I'd lied about stuff to her (she chose to believe someone else over me).

Anyway - her lie or not telling me what was up and being totally honest - she still wanted to keep the friendship was what ended it for me. I did got OTT in telling to FOTTFSOF!

You can avoid this person though if you don't want a confrontation over it.

if she asks then tell her the truth.

thanks for update - you could quite easily list those faults to her on mutual ground, see if she changes and then if not ditch the friendship. at least then she knows what she has done wrong.

You seemed to be digging a big hole for yourself. As someone who has been on the other end of the friendship that ended in the way you are going about this, I'd say that I'd have preferred just to be told that my friend wanted to cool the friendship, rather than be lied to and left to take the hint. I can only speak for myself but if my ex friend had taken that approach, I probably would have been able to interact with her with mutual friends around. However, at the moment her lack of honesty and the amount of 'white' lies she told means i can't bear to be in the same room as her.

Stop digging, you are already in Australia!

Basically you have tried so hard to make this all go away that you have now given over even more of your life to her than you were doing before! Just stop! Do you really care so much how others will see you?

Tell her to please stop asking, you will always be too busy. Tell your friends that you have had enough "Hell, I even invented a bloody job to try to put space between us" and don't want to continue to 'deal with her'. "Sad, isn't it?"

Hi Witty, sorry you are having this experience. When a friendship is problemmatic it can really mess with our head .

She often treats me with disrespect - controlling plans, changing plans, leaving me out and ignoring how this all makes me feel. We had a disagreement over something small and I realised that she is the sort of person who gets very defensive if she thinks you are criticising her ... and gets nasty about it too!

I think you have done all the right things distancing yourself from such a person. Having a heart-to-heart with someone who already can't even hear the tiniest criticism without getting defensive or nasty is hardly going to go well IMO.

You have a right to not have a friendship you don't want anymore. You do not have to justify your decision, to her, or to anyone.

I think you are doing the right thing ... you have distanced yourself ... you have been polite to minimise embarrassment with mutual friends or when you see her again in public. A smile and a hello is fine then. You don't owe a person whose behaviour has become toxic anything, except to distance yourself.

I had a similar experience myself and know how difficult it can be to get away from toxic people with minimal damage to everyone concerned. If you keep declining, they get the message eventually. Just stick to your guns.

Put your effort into maintaining the friendships with people in the NCT group who you do like. You don't need to involve them in long discussions about your ex-friend, but it will give you something more positive to think about. And if you feel you do have allies, if there is another meet up where she appears, you will feel more supported. Good luck

Just tell the truth. If she doesn't like it then problem solved, she won't want to be friends with you anyway.

OurBlanche I can't see how you interpret this as 'digging'. I have actually followed the advice on here - not going through with work lie (which would have been easier for me),and now ignoring messages and giving excuses why Im unavailable.

I dont want a confrontation, because no matter how nice I am about it, it will not go well. I know that will be the case because of her personality. I also need to tread carefully as I dont want to upset the whole friendship group. I dont think critisising her to others is right.

Its not about how I look, its about not wanting stress and nastiness. Been there before.

Thanks to those with kind words and advice.

Its true that this possibly isnt going to end well, no matter what.

That's what I meant. Your ONE BIG LIE would have meant she stopped contacting you as much; you many little lies lead to more little lies... every time you tell a little lie 2 things happen: 1. You worry over it, 2. She comes back and asks again.

So, if you can't go back to the big lie and the little lies are just making things worse - for you, how you feel about it - then just shout STOP!!!!

You have reached Australia, the end of your tether, the very bloody end of this ridiculous cul de sac - I have run out of stupid similes

You say you don't care how people see you and then say that being nasty about her to others is not right. OK, but until you take as much care about yourself, your own feelings you will always find yourself in this quandary!

I wasn't being nasty, I was trying to help you see that you can stop sacrificing yourself for others, give yourself permission to be important, SAY STOP!

Cos the stress and nastiness aren't stopping, for you, are they?

Good for you Witty, and I also noticed you followed advice given here! Its always good to get a wide range of thoughts but I think a lot of posts on MN Relationships recently have been quite blaming and even goady recently, with many posters not even bothering to read the original post, let alone the whole thread. Good luck.

Grr, I typed over the end of a sentence.

Your ONE BIG LIE would have meant she stopped contacting you as much, but you would have had kittens, imagining if/when she or someone else caught you out;

I really was being supportive, Witty. You have dug yourself into a big hole through trying not to be horrible. It isn't working for you and you have every right to look after yourself first and foremost.

As you say, it isn't going to end well, so stop avoiding it. Give yourself permission to just say "stop!"

The big lie would have failed because she would have gone 'Fancy meeting up Tues morning' 'I can't I'm working' 'Ok how about Tues afternoon' then you are back to little lies anyway with 'Sorry, I have a tesco delivery' etc etc.

If you don't like confrontation, making yourself boring for a while and not doing anything of interest will encourage her to move on to someone else.