Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex/foreplay - what's normal

46 replies

beesandknees · 04/10/2016 18:17

this is long and probably stupid, sorry.

i've been seeing a fella for about 6 months now and he's really lovely with a giant knob but some sexual things have been surprising. he is big on lots of lovey dovey talk and cuddles in bed, but often has to be prompted to include foreplay. is this a thing? because i feel safe and happy with him and as i say lots of close cuddling, it doesn't hurt to go straight to PIV but it feels, emotionally, a bit weird because i'm not used to it.

usually after we will have oral sex which i love and always "finish". he is really good at it and has learned what i like.

but last night we had a visit that ended up mostly in bed which was lovely, and again lots of chatting and joking and snuggling up... had PIV and I didn't finish, assumed we would do that later... nope, after an hour of canoodling he was like right i guess i should go home!

i was instantly annoyed and said so. basically i said, and i hate that i had to say it, gosh it must be nice to turn up at your gfs house to be serviced and then be on your merry way. which isn't exactly what happened, but close enough imo.

he seemed appalled and basically said he had been enjoying the canoodling and the idea of me finishing had got lost in all that (!) i'm not sure i'm ok with that? is that a thing??? i can't imagine going to a man's home and riding him to finish and then climbing off him to go home! it seems very rude!

aibu?

(to his credit he then stayed and rectified the situation. but i'm now very premenstrual and stroppy and probably going over it in my mind wondering why a man would act like this? am i a wank toy?? must i really ask?) fully prepared to be told iabu...

OP posts:
RockyBird · 04/10/2016 18:22

YWNBU

You told him and hopefully there'll be no repeat.

FWIW, DH makes sure I finish first, multiple times usually, before he does. This is why I married him.

TheMissingOh · 04/10/2016 18:25

You're not talking about foreplay though are you? Foreplay is play before intercourse to be blunt. What you are asking for is after-play. You feel short changed unless you've come. (Think that's what you are saying.)
It sounds a bit well...mercenary in a way. Like a transaction . He comes so you have to. This doesn't sound like loving sex. FWIW (and I've name changed for this) I've never come with a man. Ever. I used to get upset but have realised either something doesn't work for me in my head or wherever. So, your problem seems a very very tiny one to me.
If he's caring in other ways why do you have to be 'finished off'? It's not your right.

Original poster
beesandknees · 04/10/2016 18:36

to be fair it's not "loving sex" really... i've only known him 6 months, we are dating and he's great but i still want to get my rocks off! is that mercenary? he's very aware that i'm highly orgasmic and that i love to have orgasms... that's why i have sex... not to show HIM love. maybe that makes me deviant (?)

and i use the word foreplay because, like RockyBird says usually he gives me 1-2 orgasms before PIV, through something that isn't PIV (because PIV, while lovely, doesn't do it for me in that way). If he doesn't, the understanding has been that at least 1 after should occur.

RockyBird I'm hoping it will be a one off! I remember this happening right when we first started dating but i set him right... so now i'm annoyed that it's happened now that he knows me and what i like... sigh.

he knows he fucked up, he's ringing me to go out for a meal now. lol.

OP posts:
mumofone1234 · 04/10/2016 18:51

I'm confused. You said he made you come twice before PIV. If that's not foreplay then what is it? Confused Then you had an hour of canoodling afterwards.

ImperialBlether · 04/10/2016 18:56

Doesn't he want any foreplay himself? Just wham, bam?

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 04/10/2016 18:57

I am betting you are treated well after the chat!! Let it go and move on together!!

flapjackfairy · 04/10/2016 19:23

Frankly a lot of us would be delighted with the hour of canoodling after!!

Original poster
beesandknees · 04/10/2016 19:25

mumofone no what i mean is, usually he makes me come beforehand or at least after. but this time, he did neither. just PIV and then canoodling and then "right, i'm off".

Imperial i have asked him about that. he's said that in his previous ltrs, the girls weren't into sex and wanted it over with ASAP so he got used to just PIV and then a cuddle afterwards. which i think is odd, tbh.

OP posts:
ThisUsernameIsAvailab1e · 04/10/2016 19:28

How can we really answer this one? Normal is different for everyone

BrieAndChilli · 04/10/2016 19:30

I would say what's normal is something different every time!
So sometimes sex is a quickie, other times it's a several times in one night marathon, sometimes foreplay is concentrated on DH, other times it's all about my pleasure, most of the time it's mutual, sometimes it's 'I'm tired and can't be bothered lazy sex, other times it's a gymnastics session,
I would hate it if every single sex session was a formulaic step by step situation where I do something to DH then he does something back to make it fair then we have sex and then exactly the same next time!

PoldarksBreeches · 04/10/2016 19:31

TheMissingOh you're perspective is unusual and fairly odd. I'm assuming it's due to your experiences with sex. It's not mercenary (wtf) to expect to have an orgasm during sex nor to be pissed off when your partner doesn't bother making sure you are satisfied before assuming sex is over.

The answer is to make sure you have an orgasm before the penis goes in, if that's what you need to orgasm.

TheMissingOh · 04/10/2016 19:37

Oh I know I'm unusual but not unique. I've followed many a sex thread on MN and there is more than me who has never come with a man. Believe me, it's a huge regret in my life but it's unlikely to happen now.
I have though had lots of loving sex and although I get turned on and my DH does his best (which is good) I don't see sex as some kind of score sheet where people tick the 'orgasm' list. Yes, in an ideal world, both parties do. But it's not the end of the world for a woman not to.

I agree that the OP ought not to put up with a 'wham bang thank you ma'am.' But on the other hand, she does sound quite demanding and actually cold. Not much love or affection around from what's been said.

Happybunny19 · 04/10/2016 19:38

How would you have felt if the roles were reversed. Would you be happy and continue to grovel, as you seem to expect of him, if he was throwing a tantrum about not having an orgasm? It's fine to teach him the need for foreplay, especially if he's on the large side, I am not disagreeing with that, but to go off on one for not getting you off is unreasonable. You are premenstral aren't you.

gottachangethename1 · 04/10/2016 19:41

Wish I had the balls (pardon the pun) to ask for what I want. Rigid upbringing makes it feel wrong, but I truly admire women who know what they want in bed and ask for it.

ALaughAMinute · 04/10/2016 19:48

I expect an orgasm every time i have sex in the same way a man does so I too would have been upset in your situation.

Not sure what 'normal' is but I don't like PIV unless I have already cum or I'm highly aroused for whatever reason.

I think you were right to tell him you were annoyed. God only know why so many women put up with sex without an orgasm because I for one don't like it.

Original poster
beesandknees · 04/10/2016 19:51

TheMissing i'm not cold to him. i told him i was disappointed/annoyed while we were still wrapped up in each other's arms!

Happybunny, I didn't go off on him -
he said "i should get going home"
i made a bit of a sulk face and i said "oh no, i am pissed off now"
him "but why what's wrong?"
me "it must be nice to get serviced and then be on your way..."
him "oh god, i wasn't thinking" etc. etc.

Again this is literally while we are still in each other's arms so i wasn't throwing a tantrum by any stretch. i just told him i was annoyed.

yes i am definitely premenstrual! that part has probably made me ruminate over it a bit more than i should. but the actual interaction wasn't me raging or tantrumming at all.

if he had said the same to me, i would have been mortified and rectified the situation as he did. but then.... never in a million years would i go to bed with a man, get my rocks off, and then leave. to me that's unthinkably rude and reflect a lack of care for my partner.

OP posts:
therootoftheroot · 04/10/2016 19:52

how many men would enjoy sex if an orgasm wasn't guaranteed?

would they go along with the premise that an orgasm isn't important-that you can enjoy sex without and that sex without orgasm is still lovely?

PoldarksBreeches · 04/10/2016 19:54

your

Original poster
beesandknees · 04/10/2016 19:56

On the subject of me being demanding, i can say unequivocally that i am!

that part i don't apologise for and never will... i can be warm and affectionate, which i am, but demanding at the same time.

i didn't shout at him or be nasty to him... he is a lovely person... but i've given him a lot of pleasure and i expect he return the favour, otherwise it's not fun.

OP posts:
ALaughAMinute · 04/10/2016 20:01

"me "it must be nice to get serviced and then be on your way..."
him "oh god, i wasn't thinking" etc. etc"

From what you've said previously he's not normally selfish so perhaps you could forgive him this time but I wouldn't put up with that kind of behaviour on an ongoing basis. No way!

TotallyOuting · 04/10/2016 20:42

I have though had lots of loving sex and although I get turned on and my DH does his best (which is good) I don't see sex as some kind of score sheet where people tick the 'orgasm' list. Yes, in an ideal world, both parties do. But it's not the end of the world for a woman not to.

This would never be uttered by a man or to a man.

I have barely ever orgasmed from PIV (not unusual there) but I'll be damned if I let me orgasming be seen as too much of a hassle or an optional extra because of that.

TotallyOuting · 04/10/2016 20:43

And when I say by a man I of course mean about a man. I'm sure there are plenty of delusional selfish twats who would repeat it verbatim!

UmbongoUnchainedInAPearTreeeee · 04/10/2016 20:50

Ergh. If my husband sulked like that because we got straight to it and he didn't cum he'd get a fucking slap not a pity fuck. Get a grip.

Gymnopedies · 04/10/2016 21:06

I think it is fantastic that you can be assertive like that and foreplay shouldn't be skipped.
It's one of my shortfalls with DH. He also prefer direct PIV without foreplay. My libido started plumeting as I was very rarely having orgasms (can sometimes orgasm during PIV when I am on top but not always and certainly unlikely without a bit of foreplay). Never had a clitoris orgasm with him. I am still hopeful!

Original poster
beesandknees · 04/10/2016 21:21

Umbongo i deserve to be slapped for telling my bf i want to have an orgasm? gosh. ok then.

i didn't sulk... i jokingly stuck my bottom lip out in a sulk face, in fact in an attempt to lighten the tone. actual sulking is a poisonous thing imo. which i why i stick to just saying out loud how i am feeling.

if he isn't into giving orgasms, then it's best he knows i want them, so that he can move on to another lady who will suit his needs better... not sure why i need slapping for asking for what i want...

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread