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Relationships

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Original poster

Sex/foreplay - what's normal

46 replies

beesandknees · 04/10/2016 18:17

this is long and probably stupid, sorry.

i've been seeing a fella for about 6 months now and he's really lovely with a giant knob but some sexual things have been surprising. he is big on lots of lovey dovey talk and cuddles in bed, but often has to be prompted to include foreplay. is this a thing? because i feel safe and happy with him and as i say lots of close cuddling, it doesn't hurt to go straight to PIV but it feels, emotionally, a bit weird because i'm not used to it.

usually after we will have oral sex which i love and always "finish". he is really good at it and has learned what i like.

but last night we had a visit that ended up mostly in bed which was lovely, and again lots of chatting and joking and snuggling up... had PIV and I didn't finish, assumed we would do that later... nope, after an hour of canoodling he was like right i guess i should go home!

i was instantly annoyed and said so. basically i said, and i hate that i had to say it, gosh it must be nice to turn up at your gfs house to be serviced and then be on your merry way. which isn't exactly what happened, but close enough imo.

he seemed appalled and basically said he had been enjoying the canoodling and the idea of me finishing had got lost in all that (!) i'm not sure i'm ok with that? is that a thing??? i can't imagine going to a man's home and riding him to finish and then climbing off him to go home! it seems very rude!

aibu?

(to his credit he then stayed and rectified the situation. but i'm now very premenstrual and stroppy and probably going over it in my mind wondering why a man would act like this? am i a wank toy?? must i really ask?) fully prepared to be told iabu...

OP posts:

UmbongoUnchainedInAPearTreeeee · 04/10/2016 21:25

Well thank god he doesn't sulk like a little kid then hey.

Helmetbymidnight · 04/10/2016 21:30

Mercenary? To expect sex to include pleasure for her? Blimey!

I'm with you op, tbh, I can't imagine shagging someone who didn't have my pleasure at the fore front of his mind.

He's been told now- I'd be watching what he does. :)

Original poster

beesandknees · 04/10/2016 21:33

i just explained that i didn't sulk though? I made a joking sulk face... as a joke... to lighten the mood while telling him how i felt.

have i hit a sore spot for you with mentioning the word "sulk"? because i am honestly the furthest thing from a sulk. which is why bf took said sulk face as a joke in the first place...

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 04/10/2016 21:37

I'm amazed at all these responses saying the OP is mercenary and sulky for expecting a sexual partner to ensure she orgasms. Erm, isn't that the whole point of sex?

Helmetbymidnight · 04/10/2016 21:39

Apparently not- expecting an orgasm is cold and demanding (Ina woman, presumably it's fine and dandy in a fella)

MatildaOfTuscany · 04/10/2016 21:51

Umm, I'm with you on this one, OP - can't see the point in sex without an orgasm for me as well as him. Though from what you've described it does sound like a genuine oversight on this occasion. The issue which sounds like it needs some discussion however is the move straight to PIV. Every one is different on what they like, which is why you need to tell each other what you like. It needn't be a clinical conversation - talking about what does it for you can be very sexy. But you can't work on the assumption that you can magically read each other's minds. Good luck with it.

ALaughAMinute · 04/10/2016 22:02

I don't think we should have to tell men that we like orgasms as much as they do. It should go without saying but sadly that is not always the case.

I tend to think if a man isn't interested in pleasing a woman then he should go to the bathroom and have a wank.

ivykaty44 · 04/10/2016 22:12

Sex is about pleasuring each other, not one dp getting pleasured and not the other. Good for you to speaking up

Original poster

beesandknees · 04/10/2016 23:23

well, whether i'm an over demanding sulky harpy or not, we had a good discussion over the meal, it wasn't awkward. he gave a proper apology (i.e. not just a "oh god sorry!" sort of thing), explained a bit more about his day (which had been very stressy - we had talked about it day of), admitted he had been very much in his head, going over events, and was being a space cadet as a result. and tbf he is generally a space cadet, which usually i like about him but its annoying in this case.

i sympathized with that but also said, it must be very interesting to be a man because as a woman it would be an impossibility for me not to think about my partner's pleasure while we are in bed together. there's just no way i would forget about that, no matter what kind of day i'd had. or, i'd say i didn't want to have sex at all.

he acknowledged that was true and said he was sorry for being a self-absorbed non-emotionally-aware stereotypical male (he was joking but meant it iyswim).

we then talked properly about what had been bothering him about his day. i gently pointed out that in future he was free to say "look i am very upset about something, can we talk about that and just have a cuddle" rather than having distracted wank-sock sex. he took that on.

he really is lovely, and a space cadet.

this thread was an odd experience for me. i did talk a bit about some things said here - e.g. did he think i was demanding? and he gave me this look and said no, i only ever ask for things i already deserve. i think i agree with that - not that anyone "deserves" anything really - but i do think my expectations are reasonable, and he agrees, so i guess that's good.

OP posts:

LovePGtipsMonkey · 05/10/2016 00:36

tbf a lot of women do not orgasm every time yet they still like/want sex even without- for many it's unpredictable. So as a result many guys aer used to women not always expecting it. His exes may have n=been like that. But it's great that you can be straight about it and that he listens and takes it on board without being defensive - you are on to a good one here, OP! so many men early on in relationships would just go on defensive and feel criticised, which is so annoying .
Agree that it's best not to have sex than have it with a distracted partner who goes through the motions.

Charlie97 · 05/10/2016 04:56

Wow! This thread has taken on a whole life of its own!

Demanding.....don't think so
Entitled .....yes you are, why wouldn't you be as entitled to fulfilment as a man!

FWIW, I think he was just a bit "not thinking"! I don't think he is a selfish lover, he's taken on board your comments, apologised! Just look forward to the extra effort he'll make now..... x

VioletBam · 05/10/2016 05:00

I can't believe there are people out there who literally just put the penis in the vagina and call that sex! And WOMEN who put up with it!

Beebeeeight · 05/10/2016 05:37

This thread is one of those 'why we still need feminism' ones!

It's not just that there are still so many entitled men out there who use women as 'wank socks' but that there are so many women who expect no more and defend these men.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 05/10/2016 05:42

therootoftheroot

My DP would very happily have sex with no chance of orgasm if he thought it would be good for me. Sometimes he will do the foreplay bit for me and PIV not long after a previous sex session. He will then find it quite hard (pun intended of course) to orgasm again so quickly. So he knows there is no big finish for him at that time but I will enjoy it so he does it for me. Quite often, he initiates it.

LeopardPrintSocks1 · 05/10/2016 06:27

This was normal for me for 7 years with my now ex. He started with oral that stopped after a year. He would give me a quick fiddle then piv till he came then over.

I've probably orgasmed twice with him in all those years. So glad it's over. Most selfish man alive

silenthill · 05/10/2016 06:38

I wouldn't even consider having sex if I didn't orgasm every time! Luckily I've never really had to, I've always spoke my mind too like OP. I can't believe

"But it's not the end of the world for a woman not to."

Why is it not?? Why for a woman? I hope you think this same goes for men too? This sounded like something women would have said in the 50's! It definitely would ruin my sex life and I probably would just stop having sex altogether if this happened.

PoldarksBreeches · 05/10/2016 06:52

Well done op, it sounds like you have a really good relationship.

TheNaze73 · 05/10/2016 07:12

You need to be more direct & specific. If half of us have no clue what you want & are asking, no wonder he doesn't. Sounds like a good guy & something that can be easily sorted.

TheNaze73 · 05/10/2016 07:15

Sorry op, missed your update. He sounds like a good one

MatildaOfTuscany · 05/10/2016 07:47

Great update OP - glad you could talk about it, and he sounds like a nice guy.

Helmetbymidnight · 05/10/2016 09:47

He sounds sweet. Good for you, OP!!

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