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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am feeling a little paranoid...

48 replies

Cashncarry · 06/02/2007 23:16

when you get a text, it saves on your phone so even if you put another sim card in, it'll show up, right?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cashncarry · 06/02/2007 23:32

OK - maybe I'll get more advice if I put some shameful detail...

Just checked DH's "second" phone (keeps it hidden in the car) - no sim card but put my sim card in to see if there were any recent texts.

Please don't judge me - had serious problems with DH regarding a recurring text flirting issue culminating in my finding this secret phone about a year ago.

In his defence, he assures me it was a silly flirtation - nothing further. In my defence, I can't shake the feeling he's still doing it - I don't know why....

I feel like shit now

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fireflyfairy2 · 06/02/2007 23:42

No. If I put MY sim into dh's phone it's MY numbers & texts that show up.

Molesworth · 06/02/2007 23:44

I think it might depend on whether the phone is set to use SIM or phone memory

Sorry to hear about your troubles CnC

fireflyfairy2 · 06/02/2007 23:46

Can I just ask... if you found this secret phone about a year ago, why does he still have it?

Original poster
Cashncarry · 06/02/2007 23:46

Thanks guys - feel supremely stupid and none the wiser for my snooping!

Molesworth - some of my texts did show up but also his old ones from before. That's why I thought maybe new ones he received on the phone would show up.

FGS - I sound like a total nutter now!

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Original poster
Cashncarry · 06/02/2007 23:48

Good question FFF2 - he still has it and it's still charged!

my head is going into overdrive ...

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fireflyfairy2 · 06/02/2007 23:51

Was it just text flirtation, or did something more happen? Can you just ask him why he kept the damn phone? I know, if it were me, I'd have wanted to watch him flush it down the loo But then that's me & we're all different

Original poster
Cashncarry · 06/02/2007 23:55

He said it was just texts and a couple of phonecalls. It started the year before that - I found out that when I checked our joint mobile bill and found that he sent some texts at some strange times. A year later, I found the second phone which he says he got so he could get rid of her - she gave him the creeps apparently

The story did seem to make sense at the time and he cut up the second sim card in front of me. I did try looking for another sim card but then I really felt like I was snooping in a huge way. Plus it's freezing outside!

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survivour · 06/02/2007 23:56

Poor you, I have found out the hard way, The best thing to do is sit him down and ask him straight out. Why he feels the need? This question must be answered from the horses mouth. Otherwise you will end up loosing it. The plot I mean.

Original poster
Cashncarry · 06/02/2007 23:58

Think I've already lost the plot survivour! FGS - it's minus bloody five and I was searching around in the boot of his car. The neighbours must think I'm nuts!

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fireflyfairy2 · 06/02/2007 23:58

Do you class text flirting as cheating or being unfaithful in a way? I would feel very betrayed

I do think you need to sit down & talk to him, as you have definitely lost trust in him.

survivour · 06/02/2007 23:59

Cashncarry, just forget the neighbours, right now your the important one..

Original poster
Cashncarry · 07/02/2007 00:01

God - I do think it's cheating definitely. I lost the plot both times with him and even on Sunday we were talking about it. I talk, I cry, he reassures me and a few days later I'm back to square one again.

I even checked his sat nav tonight for "recent destinations"!

Half the time I feel like it's my problem for not trusting him and the other half I feel like I'm being an idiot for trusting him...

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survivour · 07/02/2007 00:17

yep, I understand what your going through. It is hard to accept, but its a choice you will have to make, to trust him or not. But we are only human and we do make mistakes.

Original poster
Cashncarry · 07/02/2007 00:20

Thanks survivour - wise words indeed. Think I will go to bed and maybe broach the subject with him tomorrow when I'm feeling a bit less like I want to throw up!

Just out of interest, did you get over your glitch with your DP? How did he regain your trust? Or was it more a case of you learning to suppress your worries (or in my case my nutter tendencies!)?

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survivour · 07/02/2007 00:21

I left him in the end.

survivour · 07/02/2007 00:23

I will look out for you tomorrow, keep in touch, I'll be on frequently now that I have my own PC. Goodnight to you.

Original poster
Cashncarry · 07/02/2007 00:25

Bloody hell - thanks so much for all your kind words. Must be hard dredging the past

I haven't been able to talk to any of my RL friends about this - mostly because I know they will tell me to get rid. It's been a weight off my mind to share my paranoia on MN!

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survivour · 07/02/2007 00:28

I'M HERE IF YOU NEED ME, TRY NOT TO WORRY ANY MORE TONITE. Tomorrow is a new day, look forword not backwards, what we can't change should be left where it is....

fireflyfairy2 · 07/02/2007 09:53

How do you feel this morning C&C?

mytwopenceworth · 07/02/2007 10:08

it's not paranoia. there is no good reason whatsoever for him to have a secret phone.

if i was in this situation, i would simply take the phone.

what are his choices? ask me have i taken the phone? to which i reply what phone? is he going to say his secret phone? deny all knowledge but quiz him really hard on why he had a phone i knew nothing about/he told me he had got rid of a year ago.

then if he goes and buys ANOTHER one, it removes all doubt.

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 07/02/2007 10:22

agree with mtw. also, to answer your op, no, if you insert a different simcard into the phone the texts won't come through regardless, because the texts come to the number that is on the sim, so if you put your sim in there that phone has your number for the time your sim is in there, even if the texts are set to be stored to the phone.

Iklboo · 07/02/2007 10:25

Take his second phone, flog it on ebay & buy yourself something nice

BecauseImWorthIt · 07/02/2007 10:31

I think it's even more suspicious if he's taken the SIM card out of his phone - sounds like he's trying to hide something.

Sorry - hope you can sort things out.

Original poster
Cashncarry · 07/02/2007 12:10

Well, I challenged him (ish) this morning but seeing as we were both rushing off in different directions, it was pretty pointless!

I basically asked him about why the phone was still charged if he hadn't been using it for a year - his reply (he didn't understand it either blah blah blah) sounded pretty suss to me. I also asked him about an entry entered as "S" under favourites in his sat nav - he spluttered something about me policing him. I said yup - that's because if you want me to trust you then you'll have to put up with me questioning weird things like that...

I don't know how I feel really. When we talked on Sunday about our relationship generally he said that he felt I always talked down to him and kept myself distant. I suppose I have ever since last year. I can't get over his betrayal and I can't stop feeling like I ought to protect myself from him.

I guess since I started my new job I feel a bit stronger in myself generally and I can imagine my life without him which maybe is coming across as me looking down on him? He wants the old me back and tbh the old me is long gone...

Anyway, this particular issue is not going to go away for me. I think I'll tell him that if he doesn't ring me, I will get in touch with the "other woman" (I still have her number) to get her side of the story. He'll go mad but I'll be buggered if I'll sit back and let this crap get the better of me

I don't think I've got the right to take the phone off him, do I? I did think seriously last night about just keeping it but it seemed like such an invasion of privacy. I don't want to be that kind of person that holds a gun to his head (so to speak). I do want to trust him. Oh christ on a bike, I am sooo confused....(excuse the blasphemy!)

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